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Demonstone's and Flaubert's English Grammar for Demonlanders 101


Neil Crompton

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I'm broadly content to let spelling and grammar slide on a footy chat room - with the odd exception - just as long as we all agree that pretentious Dermott tries to sound intelligent by misusing big words, whose meanings completely elude him.

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Coincidentally I just went to the AFL’s Season Guide 2022 to see what our list changes were at the end of 2021; in the “ins” column is the rookie elevation of our #23, James Jordan. Seriously, from the AFL’s official bible….?

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In a recent post-match interview Harmesy twice said “brang” instead of “brought”  *shudder*

But then I watched this and now all is forgiven…

https://m.facebook.com/watch/?v=256682089676857&_rdr
 

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On 7/25/2022 at 11:03 AM, dazzledavey36 said:

Where's Deeluded when you need him..

BarnDee and Enyaw gave him a run for his money for the title of 'Braveheart' on this forum.

On a different and totally unrelated note, I've noticed I get referred to as 'Flaubert' when someone is upset with me on this forum. If we are more cordial in our relations, it's either CBF or Col. 

Edited by Colin B. Flaubert
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There are many grammatical ways to walk into a bar.

  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
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31 minutes ago, Demonstone said:

There are many grammatical ways to walk into a bar.

  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Excellent work. But what happened to the tautomer? Did he walk into the bar for a drink to quench his thirst?

 

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1 hour ago, Jumping Jack Clennett said:

I think the word “ definitely” loses all its impact when spelt “ definately”.

Have others noticed this?

Defs!

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1 hour ago, Jumping Jack Clennett said:

I think the word “ definitely” loses all its impact when spelt “ definately”.

Have others noticed this?

Or when they say defiantly.

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All forms of possession require the use of an apostrophe, whether singular or plural.

However, if the word ends in the letter  "s", whether singular or plural, just use the apostrophe.

Only living things can have possession.

For example, the legs of a table ... the table's legs WRONG! Not a living thing.

For another example, leaves on a tree ... the tree's leaves CORRECT! It is a living thing.

It is easier with people. For example: John's footy is muddy. (Good). Amos' hot meat pie. (Good) Amos's hot meat pie. (Wrong)

Collective nouns trick many people: (Good) The Firemen's Ball.

Collective nouns, when titular (part of an official title) always end with an apostrophe (The Officers' Mess bar).

Just yesterday, I walked into the greengrocer's shop and spied a sign that read: Orange's $4 per 3kg bag. Not one person had complained before, he added. I still purchased the bag of oranges - my favourite fruit - and he set about improving his sign.

 

 

 

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25 minutes ago, Deemania since 56 said:

Only living things can have possession.

For example, the legs of a table ... the table's legs WRONG! Not a living thing.

Sorry, can't go with you on this. Non-living objects can have possession and 'the table's legs' is perfectly correct. It may not jibe with someone's style guide, but that's just a preference.

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8 minutes ago, Demonised said:

Sorry, can't go with you on this. Non-living objects can have possession and 'the table's legs' is perfectly correct. It may not jibe with someone's style guide, but that's just a preference.

Common idiom and usage allows this; oral usage retains the meaning quite clearly. Possibly six of one and half a dozen of the other on this call. Outside of such preferences, there are those to whom possession could be sacrosanct and these people will strongly disagree. Their preferences would most likely be to state from the example: '..the legs of the table...' highlighting in one fell swoop the emphasis of the subject and the whence of the subject matter and perhaps its purpose. 

 

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Why do so many people spell the word quiet 'quite'? It happens so often in text messages. Is it laziness? Idioticness? They are two completely different words!

Eg. "Yeah I noticed things have been quite between the two of you" 

"You were awfully quite in that last quarter!" 

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54 minutes ago, Deemania since 56 said:

All forms of possession require the use of an apostrophe, whether singular or plural.

However, if the word ends in the letter  "s", whether singular or plural, just use the apostrophe.

Only living things can have possession.

For example, the legs of a table ... the table's legs WRONG! Not a living thing.

For another example, leaves on a tree ... the tree's leaves CORRECT! It is a living thing.

It is easier with people. For example: John's footy is muddy. (Good). Amos' hot meat pie. (Good) Amos's hot meat pie. (Wrong)

Collective nouns trick many people: (Good) The Firemen's Ball.

Collective nouns, when titular (part of an official title) always end with an apostrophe (The Officers' Mess bar).

Just yesterday, I walked into the greengrocer's shop and spied a sign that read: Orange's $4 per 3kg bag. Not one person had complained before, he added. I still purchased the bag of oranges - my favourite fruit - and he set about improving his sign.

 

 

 

In today’s world… wait a minute… is today a living thing???? 😝

Edited by WalkingCivilWar
So busy being a smartarze I made a typo 😬
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On 7/23/2022 at 6:34 PM, Demonstone said:

I would also advise that posters don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

At this stage, I should put my hand up and confess that I sometimes use big words that I don't know the meaning of in an attempt to sound more photosynthesis.

Does my memory serve me correctly, that the first line is a quote of Sir Humphrey from "Yes Minister"?

If yes, I applaud you sir/madam/insert gender neutral word here.

If not I applaud you with a quote from Mr. Edmund Blackadder" "you have my contrafibularities". 

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