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DEMONLAND IN CHAOS: 58er Sounds Alarm on Satire Slip-Ups Suburban Melbourne, Australia - In a shocking turn of events, longtime Demonland poster and self-appointed tone police, "58er", has come forward with grave concerns that some readers of the site may be unable to distinguish satire from serious commentary. Sources close to the matter have revealed that 58er's crusade against misinterpreted satire began after a fellow poster jokingly suggested that the Melbourne Demons' lackluster performance on the field was due to their secret love of knitting. "I was horrified," 58er said in an exclusive interview. "I mean, who wouldn't know that was a joke? But then I started thinking, what if there are others out there who take everything at face value?" 58er's concerns have been met with skepticism by some, who point out that the Demonland community has a long history of embracing satire and humor. However, 58er remains resolute in his mission to protect the site's readers from themselves. "I'm not trying to be the fun police," he insists. "I just want to make sure that everyone understands what's real and what's not." In related news, fellow Demonland poster "cranky franky" has come out in support of 58er's crusade. "I'm sick of people not posting seriously," cranky franky said. "I mean, I'm a very serious person with very serious opinions. And I won't let anyone undermine that with their 'jokes' and their 'humor'." The Demonland community remains divided on the issue, with some calling for 58er to "lighten up" and others praising his commitment to seriousness. In the meantime, 58er has announced plans to launch a new website, "Satire-Free Demonzone", where readers can enjoy humor-free discussion and analysis of all things AFL.

Goody or the fan yelling out to give Jeffo a game?

Melbourne Demons Head Coach and Senior Players Flee the country on Unscheduled Bali Getaway Amid Off-Field Controversies Melbourne, Australia - In a surprise move, Melbourne Demons head coach Simon Goodwin and several senior players have departed for Bali, Indonesia, amidst a flurry of off-field controversies. The sudden departure comes on the heels of an incident involving Melbourne defender Steven May, who was spotted socializing with Richmond players at a Sorrento pub. This incident followed closely on the heels of Richmond premiership player Noah Balta's arrest for assault at a country Victorian pub. Sources suggest that connections have been drawn between Richmond's off-field dramas and the Melbourne Football Club, prompting Goodwin and several senior players to board a Jetstar flight to Bali. The Indonesian island is reportedly a popular destination for football personalities seeking a low-key getaway. Notably, recently retired Richmond superstar Dustin Martin has also been known to frequent Bali. While the motivations behind Goodwin's and the senior players' departure are unclear, the timing has raised eyebrows among football fans and pundits alike.

People - or person?

They're not even supposed to be on that ground.

Ask to see the manager, Karen.

Sheeit, time for a disguise🤪

Well I hope Goody doesn't dial in his game plan like he did his wedding outfit...

you’re a bit too good at this.

Goody’s wedding outfit. Goody angry at fans at Casey. 58er not being able to take a joke. May being at the pub. Geez we need a training report ASAP.

Not sure if they will be there this week, but only a few selected senior players were attending Goodwins wedding in Bali over the weekend i believe.

Really looking forward to seeing X Man Lindsay in full training, I reckon he'll turn a few heads.

I mean did you see it... His bride looked a million bucks and he looked like a 90's chav from manchester

Jeez @58er, are you related to Franky who is always cranky?

Give the man a Walkley award. Fabricated muckraking journalism of the highest order!

If they put up with me at Gosch’s they’ll put up with anyone 😅

No doubt true, but it never has stopped me! Damn annoying, but I'll just get Scotty to beam me in💥👍

Once there was this position called the wing. Wingmen don't exist any more, having been merged into the collective we call the midfield. Back in the days of wingmen, the game was slower and there was more space on both sides of the ground. Often, there would be no one else in the contest but the two wingmen, which meant their "duels", as they were called, were highly visible. Wingmen had to have all the skills: they had to be swift, they had to win the ball on the ground and fly for marks. The best wingmen were a pure expression of what was best in the game. Robert Flower played with a bravery at odds with his slight build. Mick Malthouse said last year that Dougie Hawkins was the most talented player he ever coached. Dougie played on the wing for the Dogs. Dancing Dougie Hawkins, as they called him, was a knockabout bloke with the common touch and the outer side of the Western Oval - a gravel standing area with a tin roof - became known as the Doug Hawkins Stand. Dougie grew up admiring another wingman, North Melbourne dual Brownlow medallist Keith Greig. Greig played with an impassive face but the rhythms of his game were fluid and elegant. Another great wingman was West Coast's Peter Matera – he had grace, searing speed and a booming kick that was accurate over 60 metres. These are some of the game's great stylists and Melbourne wingman Robert Flower, who died last week aged 59, was their peer. Advertisement Flower was skinny, wore glasses and looked like a laboratory assistant. But on a football field he had superb balance and an awareness that was repeatedly shown to be superior to that of his opponents. He played with a bravery that was at odds with his slight build and regularly outmarked bigger opponents. When Ron Barassi returned to Melbourne as coach and sought to alter Flower's game by playing him in defence, the Melbourne members nearly rioted. In 1986, I went to see Melbourne play with singer-songwriter Paul Kelly, a Melbourne fan prior to Adelaide (his home town) entering the AFL. Something happened right in front of us involving Flower that startled him and he wrote a lovely article about it. Here it is in part: "Robbie Flower has always appeared to be playing in slow motion. He does this by slowing down time. He makes the players around him look even slower. This is his magic. Everything he does is seen so clearly because he gives you time to see it. He slows down the whole world. "But today something has gone wrong, terribly wrong with the magic. Sure, Flower has slowed himself down, hovering like a dragonfly in the sunshine, but the rest of the world is still hurtling at the same speed. Two North Melbourne players catch him, one from the side, one from the front, as Flower, suddenly human, tries to handpass at the last minute. Down he goes in a heap, collared, dumped, the humiliation total: the umpire's decision – holding the ball. "Now every champion player gets clobbered at one time or another. They are often subject to close checking and any player can be at the wrong end of a hospital handpass. But I had never seen Flower start in the clear and end in a tangle. Usually it was the reverse – conjured from the pack into space and the ball unerringly delivered to a red and blue jumper further downfield ..." Advertisement But, in one respect, Flower was even greater than his peers because for a time Flower was the reason for his whole club to exist. People went to watch Robbie play. He was the silver lining, the hope, the pride. Yet, by all accounts, around the club, he was just another person. When Melbourne's long-time doorman Arthur Wilkinson had a period when he couldn't drive, it was Flower, the Melbourne captain, who picked him up each night before training and took him home. We are now in the era of free agency, which is going to lead to the competition dividing into first-world clubs and third-world clubs. To the players utilising free-agency rules, I'd like to say there is something you'll never know. You'll never know the feeling people have for Robbie Flower. You're a professional sportsman and you'll be cheered for winning performances and, if you're lucky, you'll get professional satisfaction from your efforts. But you'll never receive the gratitude and respect, the depth of feeling, that's going to be at the MCG on Monday at 2pm when people gather for Robbie Flower. GALLERY Remembering legendary AFL player Robert Flower Ironically, Paul Kelly's 1986 piece about Flower was ultimately an intimation of mortality. It concluded: "Flower did many good things that day, directing traffic along his wing in statesmanlike fashion. But somewhere up in the stands, a man thought of time and death and diminishing age and on the fence two young boys in red and blue scarves and beanies were cheering younger, fresher-faced heroes." Paul Kelly is singing How To Make Gravy, Robbie Flower's favourite of his songs, at Monday's memorial service at the MCG

I’m more worried about honeymoons happening 9 months away from finals No september babies please Trac 👍🏻

Always the practical joker. In 2010, at dinner in Shanghai after beating the Lions in an exhibition match, we were talking to Neita on the outdoor balcony of the restaurant where the team and supporters celebrated, Neita was distracted by what seemed to be spit balls hitting him in the side of the head. Of course, it was Robbie who was having a great laugh. We were on the supporters' tour and got to meet Robbie who was always happy and friendly. There are some memories that will never fade.

The problem I have with these posts Ethan is not that they aren't funny - they are very funny - but that they don't work as satire. Sadly, they are way too well written to work as satire of AFL journalism circa 2025.

Ethan's been using chatgpt 😉

A man and his pet duck walk into the bar and orders 2 beers. The bartender looked concerned about how he was going to pay, so duck said just put it on my Bill

Would be good if we could have an irony font. or perhaps we should just introduce them with an introduction of a phantom journalist. Most of the attempts at humour are not funny (I accept responsibility for that) but most are pretty obvious as jokes. I give demonland readers greater credit for being able to discern fact from fiction they have had a lifetime of it. Much of the repartee on this site comes from such exchanges and people can easily opt out But I take your point. Many people read the dribble that is presented by real journalists and much of it should not be approved for publication .

Coz you’re lying under my bed?!!!!

I saw him in Rundle Mall.

Neal-Bullen? I didn’t notice him at Gosch’s Paddock.

I always get nervous seeing an Oliver thread bump. 🥴

Well that was a strange bump…

With Roy George training with them, it makes perfect sense

Lots of players are still training over the Xmas break. I run or cycle most days and usually stop at Whitten Oval to do some stretches and I've twice seen Harmesy there with some other Dogs players doing short sprints and timed laps. Yesterday it was Tim English and Rhylee West doing the same. It's a lovely ground these days by the way and the playing surface is immaculate.

I have been a passionate Melbourne supporter since the mid 70’s. Robbie is by far my favourite ever player. Daylight second. In my early days going to watch him play was pretty much the only reason to go to our matches. The other team probably won but they didn’t have Robbie playing for them.

The Legacy Series | Episode 1 | Robert Flower This is bloody brilliant. Well done MFC. Being born in 1987 I was probably at a game as a baby in his final year, but whenever older Melbourne supporters talk about great Melbourne players, it's always Barrass and Robbie. I've always admired Robbie more for his loyalty. 59 is way too young. 😪

Contributing this largely wrongful post is not helping MFC at all. Many reading this dribble will for rightly or wrongfully believe some or all of it and believe it is true. We criticise journalists for inaccurate and misleading statements about our Club yet seem oblivious to this sort of post that is not even funny enough but deals with the truth and fiction all in one. It is a waste of time and should be not approved for publication.

Maybe you can. It has been proven conclusively that I definitely cannot.

Richo, on the other hand, likes having the gates open.

I got told last year Goody became increasingly agitated about people watching on at Casey. He was told to cool off.

Sorry, I’m on vacation and watching cricket. The only thing I can say at the moment is that I expect Clarry to get his five fer this year.

Which top player didn’t attend preseason? Trac missed the B and F ( wisely) because he was training overseas. So who missed preseason? I must have missed this with my cricket obsession.

Treasured our occasional trips out to Sportsco as kids, where we'd buy a tracksuit or footy jumper, chat to Robbie, and get an autograph. On Good Friday, he would always be part of the RCH appeal and in the phone-room taking donations - another opportunity to talk with him. As I've posted before, the goal he kicked on the run against Richmond, after spoiling a mark in the centre and sharking the ball over an opponent, is one of the best of all time. It's at the 1.50 mark of this video.

Cricket bats have so many uses. You can even play cricket with them!

Hope thats not a shot at me Cranky. I accept the juvenile digs but its only coz its so easy as rumour after rumour was found to be nothing but a swipe at MFC. Petracca, Oliver, Kozzie the obvoius but also plenty of press focus on Melbourne when Collingwood, Carlton , GWS, Dogs, Tigers and Bombers all had much greater internal issues which received a lot less focus. I wont step away from the dysfunctional administration. I was pretty critical in the way the CEO, President etc handled particularly those above three matters, also Brayshaw and some of the treatment we received at the tribunal. I have quietened down my commentary on the training ground as I support the club but I am certainly still annoyed that no consideration for Fishermans Bend/Port Melbourne even as a negotiating factor and still dubious as to how Caulfield will turn out. I was also critical of communication and the handling of the Deemocracy group, with eventual acceptance of 4 of the 5 processes before the expensive legal processes were completed. Im certainly not trying to rewrite history and would hate to be seen as an acolyte coz im really more of an agnostic. As an existentialist I am happy to accept that there as many opinions in the room as there are people, and much more but as this test draws to its conclusion and with Tennis and Cycling still to come as the summer heat propels me to the pool I look forward eagerly to a massive season where the whole club contributes to a flag at the MCG. GO DEES

Don’t worry @Timothy Reddan-A'Blew, I was never in it for the prizes. I was only ever here for telling media pundits where to shove it! 😁

You can argue about who was the best etc...but surely Robbie was the most graceful player to ever pull on a footy boot. ...the phrase "poetry in motion" comes to mind.

Never won the Brownlow. What an absolute disgrace….

Thanks for that information. Very happy the MCC did this in honour of Robbie. I only remembered that the MFC were going to put a sign on the Nothern Stand on game days “The Robbie Flower Wing” (which they were doing and I presume they still are) or similar naming to that, I personally would like to see the MFC for whom he played for do something more in his honour. Cheers.

As a rule the gates are always closed. An exception to this is Monday the 20th of January which is a scheduled open training session at Casey. It’s one event on the school holidays program, another being two days later at Gosch’s…

When are the boys back from Sorrento?