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What we are witnessing is a list with a number of players who are not only scarred and completely devoid of confidence but are also seriously lacking in talent and footy nous. What a great combination to have. People may bang on about playing for the jumper, putting in 100% effort, greater intensity, etc. but I'm not sure if such people were actually at the game yesterday. There was nothing wrong with our effort, our desire, our intensity. I thought we tried hard and battled on for four quarters. The difference was the gulf in class, talent, footy nous and confidence. Early in the game West Coast dominated out of the centre, but I thought we gradually became more competitive in that area after quarter time. What killed us after quarter time was either a terrible kick or a stupid decision forward of centre that created either a turnover or a 50/50 (which the Eagles invariably won). From there the Eagles would just counter-attack and run in numbers down the ground and kick an easy goal. Yes, a few tall forwards would have definitely helped, but this does not excuse the sheer ineptitude on display during some of our forward moves and the way we failed to defend the turnover. Unfortunately it looks like we are a League 1 side playing in the English Premier League. We are playing in a division that at this point in time is too good for us. That's not to say it will always be this way, but the simple fact is we are a long, long, long way off even being competitive with the top sides in the league. You can make excuses each week and say this and that, but on talent and confidence and decision making we are currently not up to scratch. We're not an AFL standard team and that's why we cop 100 point beltings. It's just so depressing when you watch a round of AFL footy and see some great games, close contests and tight battles, and then you rock up to watch your team (something that we all love doing) and the game is not even a contest at any stage. You get nothing from it - no highlights, no memorable passage of play, nothing to enjoy - and perhaps even worse you don't feel any emotion. I just sat there watching the game totally withdrawn, with no rage and no anger at what was unfolding in front of me. Can you imagine a more peaceful 100 point loss? Normally you would feel gutted, but not us Melbourne supporters, we've had it all beaten out of us to the point where we just turn up waiting for it to happen.

Certainly didn't seem rattled to me .....I always feel calm after I hear him talk !!

Jimmy Toumpas played well yesterday. He's getting the pace of the game with each outing, is creative, clever with his disposals, and has a great tank for a kid his age. The negative absolutism on here in savaging someone who has played a handful of games for a rubbish team is just pathetic. As our youngest 2 players (excl JKH) out there, he and Dom Tyson showed a lot yesterday. Many of the comments on here are simply embarrassing.

In mine the ex Minister for Police and Riots barracks for Carlton. When one of mine was 8 she said she wanted to switch to mums team - Carlton. I said to the wife - " I can happily accept having two daughters and no boy to carry on my name. I can't accept living with a Carlton supporter". So the wife switched to Melbourne and we all lived miserably ever after.

I understand the despair. I was there and witnessed exactly what you all saw. This is where I'm confused. I can't understand why I was able to sit and not feel as disappointed as those around me. As 14 goal losses go, and we've seen enough in recent years to be able to compare, I thought this was not as bad as some. Our players were always going to be outclassed. Anybody who seriously thought we would be challenging WC for a win were deluding themselves from the start. I sat and watched as the predictable outcome played itself out. Strangely though I was not angry. I was not frustrated. I was not all that disappointed. As a teacher, I know that sometimes you get a class that really struggles to grasp the basics. There's no point in getting annoyed with them. It's just as Roos said, they need to be taught the basics and work within a set of minimum expectations. I hope Roos and his assistants have the patience to do this. At the end of the year it will be pretty clear who can and can't meet the grade levels required to continue on to the following year. So, whilst I was not happy with the ease with which we were beaten, I thought I saw signs of hope. There is a game plan and they are trying to stick to it. When they get better at executing the skills required, we will start to be a challenge for a few sides. When we have a forward line, we might be able to combine the good work done in the midfield with some sound defence and actually kick a few goals each quarter. I think we can still turn this around and suspect that the second half of the season will see some improvement. Having said all that, I'm not sure I want to sit and watch too many more games like yesterday's. In the meantime, I'll stay as positive as I can and look for the small steps toward lasting improvement.

to be fair on the weekend Wines had 4 more touches and one more goal then Toumpas, wines played in a team that won easily, and Toumpas in a team that got flogged.

To disregard the similarities is to be a delusional numpty. Neeld I don't think was the best coach, but he went in with high expectations, had a team that seemed to gel well in the lockeroom, but ultimately lacks any real drive or urgency to win, or at the very least perform. There was nothing really wrong with how Neeld approached the team publicly. He was honest, and that's what the fans wanted after a whole bunch of PR fluff. Ultimately it got to a point where all he could say was, "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie? It is what it is." Roos sounded very Neeld-esque on Sunday, and I don't think that's a bad thing. Neeld and Roos are a universe apart in the way of forming relationships, building trust and actually knowing how to win. Neeld went in with no plan B. Roos I imagine has a plan B, but he'll refuse to use it until this team learns the basics. The absolute basics. Like taking a chestmark on the lead 5 meters ahead of your opponent. Neeld imo was greatly underrated in how he was able to acknowledge and approach the team dynamics. He just couldn't get through to them. That makes him a bad coach, but he acknowledged it almost immediately and the bloke did what he could to change that. I know it's only two rounds in, but Roos now really knows the task ahead of him. He is now similarly placed as Neeld was two years. I don't believe for a second this team hasn't made progress, but their worst is absolutely deplorable. Give Neeld some respect, because he tried to instil structure and discipline among the playing group. He lost them very early, even though the playing group was saying, "He's made a difference," if we all remember correctly. Eerily, Roos has also "made a difference". These players are truly at a crossroad. Every single one of them.

It's about time that the real problem is focussed upon, and with it the responsibility and blame go towards. The playing group. It doesn't matter if you have all the best coaches with an unlimited amount of $$ to spend on development, if the playing group as a whole have the wrong/lazy/ignorant attitude, nothing will improve, the cracks will just be painted over. This football club needs to become extremely stringent, so much so that even before players' walk in through the door, they know they have to earn every dollar of their contract. These players are getting paid premium dollars, yet they are continually putting in sub-standard performances. Since when is putting in less than 100%, or their absolute best 100% of the time, less than adequate? If they were in any other industry, they would have been shown the door long ago. I know it's wrong to single out one player, as many are guilty, but i'll use Frawley as an example. He is going to be demanding quite a contract come years end, but does he deserve it? No. He continually chooses when to put in a good game or bad game, or whether he will put in 100% or not. That simply isn't good enough. This is the highest level in the world where a person can play aussie rules. Nothing less than there absolute best is acceptable! Do they not realise that it's a privilege to play at the highest level? How many people try to get on to an AFL list, and how many actually make it?

Let's write off a just turned 20 year old midfielder in his second season. Makes sense. He is far from our worse and is developing just fine. So many irrational idiots on this forum sometimes. EDIT: For the idiots. Here is his career averages from last season and so far this season. Look at them and have a look at his progress already. Year Team Games Kicks Handballs Disposals Marks Goals Melbourne 2 11.0 6.5 17.5 6.5 1.0 Melbourne 14 6.6 5.4 12.0 3.1 0.0

I must say congratulations for your patience and diligence for setting up the pros & cons of every player on the list. I went to the game on Sunday. I couldn't stand more than 10 min. Into the 2nd half. Anyone who says Nathan Jones is a superstar, really is a part of the problem. Any captain of a club that has 7 changers by 1/2 time that costs us 3 goals, should be taken off the ground. Any past AA full back that reckons he might be worth $700k pay that kicks OOB on the full in a switch then allows his opponent to drill it through from 50m arc. Then good luck on your way. That's not to mention the lolly pop kick to the other captain that I haven't seen raise a sweat in any game he has played. Instant turnover and goal. As much as I hate the Bombers. Jobe Watson, he leaves nothing in the tank when the game finishes. Grimes walks off fresh as a daisy. Our team as a whole would only put in 60% for their teammates, club and the supporters. How would I rate them. This team on effort is worse than 186. I have not seen a team that doesn't know how to play basic football. The skills of basic kicking, handball, tackling, & marking we're non existent. A long year is ahead of us. If Anyone thinks we have 8 players of AFL standard. You are dreaming. I could go on for hours, but what is the point. Roos said to give us 5 rounds for the team to show what the game plan is. I know what the game plan is. Do the players.?

He's got a mate wearing number 9 whose pace concerns me a whole lot more.

Your user name is fitting. If you think Tyson wasn't getting a game at GWS due to ability, you're as misinformed as your posts.

Dennis Commetti Ablett to Barnes to Chapman the Cats are attacking alphabetically All without hesitation and without drawing breath Was the best bit of impromptu commentary I have heard

We just have to many players that can't execute skills. You read people ripping into Trengove for his speed, Jack on a number of times made space worked 100m on a lead for the kick to be behind him or a mile in front. Our team can't kick, we have 10 players yesterday that don't have the disposal levels required at this level. It starts from the back 6, Dunn is the only one that can kick, in fact he is by far our best kick in our back half. Frawley, MacDonald, Grimes, Terlich, M Jones. We can't set up play from our back half because we don't have the quality back there to bring the footy out well. The team is not slow by foot, if we line up our players V's the Eagles for a 50m race it would be even, we are slow because we refuse to move the ball quickly, we don't play on, we take a mark run straight back behind our mark miss the best option because our brains are to slow, usually miss the next best option because our brains question our ability and then we switch. We switch first kick is good, then we stop go back miss the second kick and we are opened up. If you switch the footy you have to have players working to receive on the far wing, get the switch and move it quick. The Eagles did exactly what St Kilda did, just sat back across half back and waiting for us to turn it over then scored on the counter attack. Once again the Eagles didn't need to run both ways they just ran forward in numbers our guys worked hard back and forth all game. GWS will get us by 10 goals this week, Carlton by 10 the week after and we will have 4000 people at a home game against Gold Coast on Easter Sunday. I hope the AFL has the cheque book ready we are going to need another massive hand out

"...their ability to play to a plan was confounded by the absence of a forward line to accept the ball, or to run deep and searchingly to be there to link the play. It meant they hung on and waited and had nowhere to go. It was confounded by the abject lack of skill shown routinely through the game, in part this was lack of confidence, in part lack of vision, in part lack of ability, but 11 Eagles goals came from turnovers." Fair assessment I'd say.

Congrats JKH on his first goal in AFL footy, in only his second game (and his second time as the sub)! Even had another shot or two but couldn't get it through the big sticks. Would've been great if his teammates moved their ass and came over to congratulate the kid, given how special a moment that would've been for him. Must be asking too much!

The saddest thing about the continued misguided 'debate' about Toumpas is not that drafting him wasn't a shocking selection (by any definition). It's not that it's largely fuelled by hindsight. It's not even that it's fuelled in many instances by hypocrisy. It's that Toumpas is actually playing well, especially considering how many other MFC players are playing abysmally.

Listening to Roosy he was in no way flustered. He sounded like a man who knows what has to be done and he is the man to do it. He always referred to MFC as either "us" or "we". (Nice change from previous one) He also clarified that when he was talking about the players ie dropped marks, missing target etc that he was directly answering a question and not blaming the players. Also said that his coaching on the day was "deplorable" cause he was in charge of the players and they throw that performance up. This was in response to a ques from Robbo I think when he ask do u take any responsibility. If we r to get out of this he is the man to do it. Love listening to this man talk. Will love it even more when his talk turns into players actions.

Watts forward? He can't even win a one on one contest against a mid at ground level, how the hell will he do it against a bigger defender in the air?

Roosy seems a bit rattled to me.

I for one think Scully will stay.

When your main causes for concern are elementary mistakes and questionable effort then 9 coaches out of ten (if not 10/10) will pretty much say the same thing. Grant Thomas is (apparently) an exception of course. Roos and Neeld both faced the same instance of fundamental errors. Both made the same correct observations however Neeld did not have the management ability, training regime or the group's buy in to address it (apparently). You judge a coach by their results not who/what they sound like. The peanut who wrote this article should take that on board. FWIW Roos played the same team as per round 1. Showed faith, prioritised stability and got a very average return. It is his job to see who is up to AFL standard (or can get there) and who can't. There is no connection of this to the fact that Roos' tenure is not yet set in concrete. I'm sure the playing group and the supporters would appreciate clarity but this article is trying to join dots that aren't there.

Essendon weak, but James Hird should have the guts to walk

Gotta give the Toump a break! Bugger me, he is only 2 games into his second season. At least give him time to prove he is no good before we write him off. Still a boy amongst men.

So so true... We look for the safe option for fear of turning it over and turn it over in the process. The teams lack of trust and belief in one another shows up glaringly. Go for the hard option and turn it over I say... At least you can say they were having a go.

I've been a big Grimes fan for a long time but yesterday was the worst game I've ever seen him play.

One would think so because that would be the best way to build on the benefits of whatever it was that got them so quickly into shape in the first place.

Its not a case of being loyal....Frawley will leave because of his own sanity. Its soul destroying to be a Demon.

If people are talking about Frawley leaving, and having the right to do so, then they should also walk from the club. Frawley is a senior player and is supposed to be leading by example and helping Jones drag this this team out of the hole it's in. He plays like a defeatest and he makes the most simple of errors which proves that he's either not switched on enough during game day, or he is simply not playing within 'his own' limitations. He needs a rocket up his arse. I don't know where his head is at but he needs to take a leaf out of his Captains book and start firming up as a senior clubsman and not some self-interested [censored] who plays his own game during matches.

Nathan Jones made a handball (may have been to Matt Jones?) that went right over his teammate's head and straight to a West Coast player, which about 7 seconds later became a West Coast goal. Dom Tyson, despite being excellent overrall, made a couple of shockers as well. Dunn (who has been our best player YTD for mine) took a good mark on the half back flank and kicked it out on the full under no pressure at all. It irritates me a little that people seem to only see Grimes' mistakes and none of the other dozens. Just proves to me that people just see what they want to see. Our players are *all* making mistakes, and a lot of them at the moment, and that includes our very best players. Give Grimes a bloody break.

For me the problem with Dwayne Russell is threefold. 1. He is condescending. 2. He adds no insight to what you can see yourself and 3. He now has an increasingly irritating commentary pattern when a goal is kicked. It goes like this (a) describe the play in increasingly excited tones as a scoring opportunity presents itself (b) go to yelling volume when they shoot then pause for 3-5 seconds then © a single descriptor laced with hyperbole (often "Stunning" or "Freakish" or the like) and then (d) 3-5 seconds more silence followed by the special comments guy talking about some aspect of the build up at normal volume. Seriously - vomit.

"Retaliate first" - Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series "I only have two words for you men - believe in yourselves" - Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series "If you are not in bed by 12 o'clock, go home" - Jack Dyer, instructing his players during a final series "Tell him he is John Coleman and send him back on" - Jack Dyer, when told by medical staff that a concussed player 'did not know who he is' "Any time Carlton scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win." - Lou Richards "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to sail through the air for even longer." - Peter Landy "I think everybody gets caught up in superstitions. But I don't put much stock in them ... knock on wood." - Jason Akermanis, Brisbane "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen" - Tony Shaw "Apart from their goals, St Kilda was scoreless in that opening quarter" - Eddie McGuire "It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target" - Brian Taylor "They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around" - John (Sam) Newman "More football later, but first let's see the first half highlights from the Essendon v Collingwood game" - Peter Landy "Kicked wide of the goal with such precision" - Sandy Roberts "Wakelin conceded five, you don't get many of those to the dozen" - Rodney Eade "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird "It's basically the same, just darker." Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.' Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season "Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" Dermott Brereton "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." Mark Williams "He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." Dermott Brereton "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Luke Darcy "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." Dermott Brereton "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." Adrian Anderson "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." Andrew Demetriou "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." Terry Wallace "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." Dermott Brereton

Just make sure CS is nowhere near the building.

We have plenty of players getting the footy, we are to slow with our ball movement. Watch Watts, Trengove and Toumpas they are often running to the spot for the next kick, but the guy with the footy is either to slow to see them, refuses to kick to them or wants the safe option when we have someone 50m in the clear because they can't kick to advantage and are scared to miss the target. We need players that can pin point kick over 35m to have the ability to kick to advantage when the person you are kicking to only has a small break. Don't kick to far in front, don't kick behind them kick to the exact spot it needs to be. Our players think to much, strip it back, play on, fast ball movement and first option, they have to stop second guessing themselves.

Reluctant to criticize Roos' game plan (at all), but while acknowledging the lack of forwards, why is it that no one is actually playing forward?? Pedo and Fitz are no doubt useless, but too often they just weren't there (seemingly under instruction). Reminded of me - respectfully - the Bailey days where we ran into space but simply had no options presenting (Beamer's long bombs to no one, anyone?) Must be infuriating for Jones, Tyon etc to look up and have to stop and prop. The only times we looked remotely decent was when there was at least a contest and a presence. Secondly, we would be at least 50% better if we ran like an AFL side. Token efforts all day and no separation from opponents. Skills were poor, but they were made poorer by very few options. Sprint FFS! The intensity was completely unacceptable. To watch Nat Fyfe and then Watts (similar position, build etc) is embarrassing. Watts is more skilful, but the attack and want is miles apart. That was a basketball game from Watts, and he got away with against St Kilda. Broken record, but he need to be told. So much potential .

Agree. Neither player deserves a gold star. But as you say Beamer admitted a problem. It just did not need to be done in the full glare of the cameras. It could have been done in front of the team mates he let down. But Shaws and Didaks issue was more than being drunk. Firstly it was on the eve of the finals. Secondly they were repeat offenders. Thirdly as they did on their earlier misdemeanours, they lied profusely when challenged about the incident. Finally for Shaw he took it an extra step further by actually getting in a car and driving. Add Given the number of past alcohol offences at the club, the Pies had to act hard on both. Moloney was no great footballer. He seems a pretty WYSIWYG sort of bloke who has/ is dealing with a publicly admitted issues. I am not sure why he is vilified by those who seek to revise history.

CLEANING HOUSE by The Oracle The result of the game was pretty much expected after the coach spent the week explaining that his team was going to school and it would help if they did away with the scoreboard. The boys lived up to the coach's expectations playing like a year 10 remedial class against a collection of university graduates preparing to collect their PhD's - it was that much of a mismatch and, despite the coach's wishes it was nowhere more evident than on the ... ahem ... scoreboard. Melbourne was destroyed in the ruck duels by what is possibly the best ruck combination in the competition but then what would you expect when you're putting up possibly your fourth and fifth best big men and your upper echelon of talls are languishing in the infirmary? And once you're getting killed by the opposition out of the ruck, the next step is that you're getting slaughtered in the midfield and at the stoppages (not a single centre clearance in the first quarter) and before you can say Jay Kennedy-Harris, you're ten goals down at half time and the game has been well and truly lost. It was not all bad though because somehow, Melbourne finished with more disposals which means that the Demons were inefficient and wasteful and, as has been the case of late, unable to convert possession into score but at least they're getting their hands on the footy. No doubt, having a power forward or two on board would help but when a midfielder gets the ball and looks forward only to see a dwarf calling for the ball opposed to two decent sized defenders then ... well, um, you're going to hesitate and perhaps take the wrong option and turn the ball over and more than likely you'll end up kicking no more than an average of one goal per quarter. Come to think of it, that's exactly what happened. Still, it's no mean feat to finish with a possession count such as this in a 15 goal defeat (has that ever happened before?) whereas twelve months ago the different was -67. The reason is that the club has some better inside players in the midfield but is still are missing outside run and a forward line. Nathan Jones is getting better. Tyson, Vince and Cross have added to the midfield depth but they have no targets up forward, nor will they have them for the foreseeable future so the whole team will continue to be disfunctional until the Paul Roos broom cleans up the house. And that will definitely take time. Melbourne 0.1.1 1.3.9 2.4.16 4.6.30 West Coast 6.5.41 10.7.67 14.10.94 18.15.123 Goals Melbourne Byrnes 2 Kennedy-Harris Toumpas West Coast Kennedy 4 Darling 3 Le Cras Masten Shuey 2 Cripps Mackenzie Naitanui Sinclair Best N Jones Tyson Dunn Cross Toumpas Byrnes West Coast Kennedy Shuey Gaff Masten Priddis Cox Changes Melbourne Nil West Coast Nil Injuries Melbourne Michie (cut eye) West Coast Hurn (knee) Reports Melbourne Nil West Coast Nil UmpiresChris Donlon Sam Hay Shane McInerney Attendance 22,226 at the MCG.

With no forward structure coming in the foreseeable future, the club desperately needs to invent some kind of creative approach here. We can't just be flogged until we get forwards back. Especially when most of our "winnable" games are in the first half of the season's fixture.

I had Bail in our top 10 (or so) most effective players today. Sure, his disposal is complete rubbish. But he broke the line a few times and turned us back onto the corridor (not his fault there was nothing presenting there IMHO).

'14. Lynden Dunn. Has come along in leaps and bounds under Roos. - Yes' Lynden Dunn has been playing well for 2 or 3 years now. Pre Roos. Also, rumour has it that he wanted all his teammates to defy the 'tanking' instruction.....could be a leader one day.

Pederson tried his guts out both ends of he ground maybe you wern't at the game

We are clearly playing a lot better football than last year. If people can't see that you are blind. Yes we were smashed so would any team be if you took out there 3 key forwards, two best ruckmen, your ruck rover and best defender. Some people here need to get a fair dinkum grip. We have to fart-ars about all the time as we have no 'get out of jail' kick at all. Spencer & Fitz play small, neither take pack parks and are useless in pack situations. As for our other key forward Pedo, well we all know he isn't good enough to play as a key forward. No more needs to be said. (although I didn't mind some of his efforts in the backline today).

Thank goodness you're here, giving us more words to mark. Having WYL tell us that we're two years from extinction for the last 6 years has been nowhere near enough.

It started with getting smashed out of the centre in the first quarter and a half. By that stage we were 10 goals down and shot. West Coast were very good and were able to capitalise on the opportunities when they came, and they did it very well. Cox gave us a clinic in ruckwork today, although his stats don't show him as being that dominant. But what was frustrating (and possibly a result of the 'mental scarring' that we keep hearing of) was our reluctance to move the ball quickly. I could understand why, since the leading targets down the line were small players (until we moved Dunn up there and started looking more dangerous). On the other hand, Kennedy (especially) and Darling were able to give a release kick for a player to move the ball quickly to advantage. Our lack of talls has taken away any confidence that the mids have to move the ball quickly. Unfortunately Fitz and Howe were unable to provide that lead up target. I thought that Dunn really made us look more dangerous when he went forward, and I was pleasantly surprised by Pedersen's competitiveness when he went back. Byrnes was good (not just the goals, but seemed to get to good spots to crumb). JKH also looked dangerous, which was good, despite our mids/talls not giving the crumbers much to work with.

What game plan helps when Shannon Byrnes is your tall forward? Just about every time he appeared on camera, Glass was on him. I thought Byrnes was alright today, just for the record.

I must have completely lost my marbles, because yet again I thought the scoreboard made it look worse than it was. I accept that I have probably gone certifiably insane as an emotional response, so you need not comment as such.

Jones, Tyson absolute beauties. One of these 2 will win our best and fairest this year. Cross a good, old warrior. Vince will be very good for us, but we already knew that. JKH gets better and better as he gets game time. Needs to play a full game next week. Toumpas is slow, yes but he is getting better, just ignore the Wines comparison and you'll see this as it clouds your view. Dunn, good. I use to slag him big time but he has dropped some weight, got rid of that terrible mo' and has turned into an important player for us. The rest…yikes...

Clark played with Nathan Jones like passion. It is rare to see in the red and blue. If Clark doesn't get back, we'll all be disappointed, but as it stands he is a MFC player - so let's get behind him. If he does return and can play injury free, he will reward us ten fold. I don't know why people go on about money, we've had highly paid squibs on our list for a decade now, at least Clark plays with passion and courage.

We have a thread on Demonland that precisely resembles this.

The spirit of Norm Smith unfortunately can't make it - something about a calf strain - 4-6 weeks.