JOKES PLEASE

[Harrisonrules 273]

The second tough week. The team is playing like a joke. I think a few jokes would help us all relax for the night. Winner has a free seat at selection table for round one.

Here goes..... sorry about the politics but its the only one I've heard lately (I'm a swinging voter)

Julia Gillard was on a cruise boat when it sank. Fortunately she was able to walk to shore. Newspaper declared Gillard unable to swim.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Harrisonrules

[Dee Fan 3,247]

Melbourne's recruiting; top that if you can.

[old dee 23,787]

Melbourne's recruiting; top that if you can.

I have forgotten mate when are we leaving for Paris again

[dee-luded 2,959]

Melbourne's recruiting; top that if you can.

robbie, your starting to sound like you've caught that andrew robbs disease. Don't spread it.

[Deetective Sgt. Taggert 389]

Why does Santa have such a big sack?.....

...because he only comes once a year

[old dee 23,787]

Why does Santa have such a big sack?.....

...because he only comes once a year

Good try but it is an old one

[The Song Formerly Known As 6,479]

Here's one that one of my grade 1 students actually told me:

Knock Knock?

Whos there?

I pooed my pants.

Safe to say I fell off my chair (laughing in shock) and the grade thought it was the greatest joke ever!

[Jack Jack 415]

Here's a good impression of 5AA's PA commentary and the MFC audience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zxGC3gBWQE

[Diablo Deemon 220]

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

[Macca 16,961]

If the phone doesn't ring , it's me .

If your parents didn't have children , chances are you won't either .

If toast always lands butter-side down , and cats always land on their feet , what happens when you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it ?

[old dee 23,787]

If the phone doesn't ring , it's me .

If your parents didn't have children , chances are you won't either .

If toast always lands butter-side down , and cats always land on their feet , what happens when you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it ?

Very good Macca, first smile for the night

[biggestred 5,076]

im awesome

[Grapeviney 9,717]

three blokes die on christmas eve and are told at heavens door that to enter they must show something demonstrating the christmas spirit

first blokes fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out a lighter - "it's the lights of christmas" he says, and is allowed into heaven

second bloke fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out his keys, shakes them around - "it's the bells of christmas" he says, and is allowed into heaven

third bloke fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out a pair of women's knickers... "these are carol's"

[RalphiusMaximus 6,046]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

[s-t-i-n-g-a 439]

Two peanuts walk into a bar....one was a salted.

[RalphiusMaximus 6,046]

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked...

[stevethemanjordan 6,952]

I remember getting this in an email last year.

Gotta love it.

Happy reading!

- Here's the Collingwood Membership Application Form

Collingwood Magpies

MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM

NAME…………………………………………………………………….( 2 mistakes allowed )

NAME…………………………………………………………………….( 2nd chance )

ADDRESS………………………………………………………………………………………...

(this means what is the name of the street your house is in and what is your house number.

If unsure of either – check the phone book for details but look under your own name or you will get it wrong)

If address unknown – put a tick here:…………..

DATE OF BIRTH………………………………..

(What day does everybody sing happy birthday to you?)

AGE……………..

(How many years have they been singing it to you?)

MOTHER’S NAME……………………….…………………....(Mum will NOT do. What is her REAL name?)

FATHER’S NAME ( if known )…………………………………………………………...( NO SWEARING )

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? YES / NO

IS IT YOURS? YES / NO

REGISTRATION NUMBER…………………………….(found on the piece of tin hanging from the bumper bar)

DO YOU HAVE A DRIVERS LICENCE? YES / NO

IS IT YOURS? YES / NO

ARE YOU WEARING MAGGIES CLOTHING ON LICENCE PHOTO? YES / NO

COULD YOU DRIVE PLAYERS, MATCH COMMITTEE OR OTHER SUPPORTERS TO:

a ) HOME GAMES YES / NO

b ) AWAY GAMES (to keep costs down) YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE A WASHING MACHINE? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE PREPARED TO HELP WASH OUR TEAM FOOTY GEAR? YES / NO

(tick which……..socks….shorts….guernseys….jockstraps….hankies….band ages …. )

DO YOU OWN A BEACH SHACK? YES / NO

COULD WE USE IT FOR THE PLAYERS “END OF SEASON TRIP?” YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN? YES / NO

ARE THEY YOURS? YES / NO

WOULD ANY OF THEM BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOR THE MAGGIES? YES / NO

a ) BOYS YES / NO

b ) GIRLS YES / NO

HOW OLD ARE THEY? 1 – 10, 11 – 20, 21 – 30, 31 – 40, or don’t know?

DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE FOOTBALL TROPHIES (no name tags ) THAT YOU WOULD BE

WILLING TO DONATE TO THE CLUB FOR OUR TROPHY CABINET? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN ATTENDING OUR END OF SEASON DINNER? YES / NO

COULD YOU BRING ANYTHING ALONG ON THE NIGHT?

(e.g. fairy bread, party pies, cordial, plastic cups, jelly ) YES / NO

ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO LEAD OUR SUPPORTERS IN PRAYER:

a ) BEFORE HOME GAMES? YES / NO

b ) BEFORE AWAY GAMES? YES / NO

c ) BEFORE WE PLAY THE EAGLES? YES / NO

d ) START TO FINISH OF A EAGLES GAME? YES /NO

PART TWO – I.Q TEST

1) PICK THE TV SHOW (circle the right name from the clues given )

BLANKETY______________ Cheque / Blanket / Blanks / Donation / don’t know

I DREAM OF_____________ a premiership / Chris Judd / Jeannie / having money / don’t know

STAR TREK, THE NEXT____ Footy Show / AFL team / AFL Draft / Generation / don’t know

GET_____________________ John Worsfold / Lost / rid of Malthouse / Smart / don’t know

HEY HEY IT’S ___________ a June Premiership / smoko / Saturday / another defeat / don’t know

WHO WANTS TO BE _____ a Millionaire / a Collingwood member / stupid / Leon Davis / don’t know

2) PICK THE ODD ONE OUT ( circle the odd one from the lists below )

FEBRUARY 30th / MAY 38th / JUNE 40th / OCTOBER 33rd / APRIL 1st / don’t know

SPOON / SOON / MOON / BOON / CHEESE / GOON / SWOON / don’t know

A, B, C, D, 4, E, F, G, H, I, don’t know

WOEWODIN / ROCCA / CLEMENT / BUCKLEY / HOLLAND / (one wasn’t poached from another club)

MCG / SCG / AAMI STADIUM / SUBIACO / GABBA / WEMBLEY / don’t know

3) WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE?

“I THINKS THE MAGPIES IS THE BESTEST TEAM IN OSTRAYLIA”

IS IT:

a ) BAD SPELING

b )BAD GRAMMA

c ) BAD GRANDMA

d ) DON’T KNOW

To find out if your membership application has been successful, please put a stamp on both sides of an envelope and leave one side blank. We will advise you by return mail.

BONUS: Please list in order your preferred complimentary Collingwood Membership Surgery that comes with every successful membership application. We will try to allocate you a bed in an appropriate hospital, as one becomes available.

a ) MOUTH ENLARGEMENT. b ) ONE EYE REMOVED.( left or right ) c) BRAIN REMOVED

[caco demon 29]

Have you guys been to that zoo?

It only has one dog in it.

It's a Shitzu....

wakka wakka.

[Redleg 40,895]

Here's a good impression of 5AA's PA commentary and the MFC audience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zxGC3gBWQE

Thanks. Scenes from my favourite show. Can't stop laughing. Who cares about last night now?

[McQueen 17,864]

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell my missus to sit on my face.

[Jack Jack 415]

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell my missus to sit on my face.

Priceless.

And you can't mention face sitting without thinking of Monty Python.

[skills32 229]

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

[daisycutter 29,613]

OK here are some Jewish jokes (sent to me by my Jewish friend so its all in the context OK)

====================================================================

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends

Less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I am 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact thatWonTon spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. .

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,

"Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 Days."

The son said, "That's terrible.

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks,"What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

[Mazer Rackham 14,971]

Two Collingwood supporters talking.

1: Mate, I've found the best pub. Ya go there, an' they give ya free grog, as much as ya want.

2: Free grog?

1: Yeah mate, an' later on, ya can go out the back and ya get a free root!

2. What? You got free grog and a free root? Lucky bastard.

1: Oh, well, not me mate. I haven't been there yet. Me girlfriend told me about it.

[maximum bob 462]

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".

The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

(Jay Leno)