Is Damien Barrett the laziest ever ‘journalist’? This is everything he said in his Sliding Doors column this year. I’ll let you be the judge.

 If you read the rest of the teams week to week you see who his darling teams are *cough* Bulldogs *cough* Geelong *cough* Richmond *cough* Essendon.

 1.     IF ...his first season as a Demon was a good one ...THEN ...Ed Langdon's second year in the red and the blue is looming as outstanding. One of the hardest runners in the comp, beginning to use the ball very well.

 2.     IF ...it was Matt De Boer last weekend until he suffered an injury ...THEN ...for Clayton Oliver on Sunday at the MCG it will be Mark O'Connor attempting to shut him down. On a beautiful roll at the moment, the Dees and Oliver. Tipping it to continue.

 3.     IF ...Trac, Clarry, Maysie, Maxxy, Kossy, Jakey and Fritta have been rightly getting the headlines for the stunning beginning to 2021 ...THEN ...Burgo deserves plenty, too. Darren Burgess that is, head of high performance at the Demons, who has this group humming.

 4.     IF ...the comparisons with Dusty have been coming fortnightly if not weekly for a season and five matches now ...THEN ...no better way for Trac to make it a daily consideration than a massive performance in the Anzac Day eve match. Backing him in.

5.     IF ...the Dees have extraordinarily got themselves to 6-0 without Ben Brown ...THEN ...look out from here. A new dimension.

 6.     IF ...Trac is now contracted on massive coin through to the end of 2029 ...THEN ...I hope the Dees have been able to set some cash aside to also keep Kozzy on the books. His is the long-term signature they really need. With Pickett, we’re witnessing the emergence of something we may have never seen before.

7.     IF ...all the pre-season plans had big Ben Brown and Sam Weideman in the key forward posts ...THEN ...it's yet another massive positive for the Demons that they boast an 8-0 scoreline before getting the chance to unleash this combo. Weideman in for the injured Jackson for Sunday's game against Carlton.

 8.     IF ...the focus, albeit understandably, is subconsciously on what could be the match of the year on Friday week against Western Bulldogs ...THEN ...that might pose a small problem on Saturday at Adelaide Oval, against the Crows.

 9.     IF ...Maxxy Gawn is already a four-time All-Australian ...THEN ...he's tracking beautifully to add a fifth. Looms alongside Bont as the most important player heading into this week's Friday night lights.

10.  IF ...there are definitely bigger headline-grabbing names at the Demons than Ed Langdon in this history-shaping start to 2021...THEN ...it is arguable that there have been too many more impactful players in this startling run. Unfortunately missing with concussion for Friday night lights against the Lions.

 11.  IF ..the Dees have handled the Western Bulldogs and Brisbane in the past fortnight ...THEN ...Collingwood on Monday at the SCG won't pose a problem.

12.  IF ...in the off-season Ben Brown was viewed as a key to what was to unfold in 2021 ...THEN ...it's time to unleash him. Injury, then form, ruined his first half of the season. Could still emerge as an X-factor.

 13.  IF ...Harmes got the job on Libba and Hibberd the task on Dusty ...THEN ...I wonder who will be sent to the Package on Saturday night at the MCG. If Stringer maintains the form he displayed last weekend, both will be required.

14.  IF ...it's Trac and Clarrie getting all the Demons mentions in Brownlow conversations ...THEN ...I don't know why big Maxxy is being left out. Finished equal fourth in 2018, and is quite possibly compiling the best of his 11 AFL seasons, which has already seen him earn four All-Australian jackets.

15.  IF ...I thought Tomlinson going down was catastrophic ...THEN ...it was merely a blip on the radar. For it has unleashed Harrison Petty.

16.  IF ...Maxxy Gawn has responded to every single challenge he's faced in an extraordinary AFL career ...THEN ...there is no doubt he will do so, again, in his latest threat, that of being the game's best ruckman via Sean Darcy's surge. All-Australian jacket No.5 coming up.

 17.  IF ...Bont in my eyes is THE standout player of 2021 ...THEN ...Trac is second to him. And Trac still has five matches to catch him, beginning Saturday night when he lines up inside the MCG square against him. After that moment, Bont will go one way, Trac the other, as they both inevitably go about controlling their team's fortunes in this fascinating 1 v 2 ladder clash. Cannot wait.

18.  IF ...the one downer in the pool in Tokyo this week were the questions which flew over the best combination in the women's 4 x 200m freestyle ...THEN ...the Demons can relate to that as they continue to try to get their forward line to gel.

 19.  IF ...there may have been mitigating circumstances ...THEN ...there was still no justifiable rationale for Jack Viney's sustained forearm/elbow on Sam Collins' jaw/neck. Lucky to escape with a two-week ban, not three.

 20.  IF ...you miss one week with a back injury ...THEN ...that's not cause for alarm. But when you miss a second, that is. Dees need Tom McDonald to fix that back.

 21.  IF ...there are Demons supporters obsessed by omens ...THEN ...Saturday night's one-versus-two match against Geelong at the Cattery carries great importance. A win means the minor premiership. The last time that happened. 1964.

22.  IF Melbourne was to win the 2021 Toyota AFL Premiership and Nathan Jones doesn't play ... Then more proof that footy fairytales are rare. This one would be a hard luck story for the ages.

23.  IF Jake Bowey is channelling anyone as he begins his AFL career ... THEN it could be Tiger Jack Graham. Bowey made his debut in round 20, game No.5 was a qualifying final win. Tracking beautifully to be part of a premiership in his seventh match. For Graham in 2017, it was his fifth, after being given his first in round 22.

He does other articles you know…

Holy Moses! 

Is there an expectation that  journalists have to love Melbourne - like we do?

This is a bite size consumable on a Friday morning on the AFL website, to ensure that there is something digestible for those who like to get their information opinion in a brief format.

If you don't like the breezy-ness of it and prefer a more thorough forensic examination, there are plenty of other options.

 

38 minutes ago, McQueen said:

He does other articles you know…

Equally as mindless.

His working know of Melbourne is Gawn, Oliver and Petracca are good players and we haven't won a flag for a long time. A chimpanzee could write what he writes. Where's the insight. At least make an effort.

14 minutes ago, Engorged Onion said:

Holy Moses! 

Is there an expectation that  journalists have to love Melbourne - like we do?

This is a bite size consumable on a Friday morning on the AFL website, to ensure that there is something digestible for those who like to get their information opinion in a brief format.

If you don't like the breezy-ness of it and prefer a more thorough forensic examination, there are plenty of other options.

 

No but there's an expectation they give credit where credit is due. We were minor premiers and all this bloke frothed about all year was Richmond  Essendon the Bont and Geelong

1 minute ago, Flag Favourites 3019 said:

No but there's an expectation they give credit where credit is due. We were minor premiers and all this bloke frothed about all year was Richmond  Essendon the Bont and Geelong

I'm not sure why Damien (or anyone's) opinion matters to you, and I can see that it does.

Here are some reasons as to maybe why he hasn't given credit where credit is due in the IF...THEN... column

• Maybe he falls into the 'I still don't trust them' camp.
• It's not the right forum to be putting that opinion forward
• We became minor premiers essentially at the last kick of the season - a week earlier we could have dropped to 5th.
• Perhaps he really [censored] hates us for some obscure childhood reason, and only he knows that, but because of that, he gets to shape how people feel about how he feels about Melbourne because he has agency to write words about a sport that he gets paid to write about.

I don't think Damien actually knows what the term "sliding door moment" means.

It's been a heck of a lot more positive and thought out this year than previous years.

None of them even make sense!  how are any of them sliding doors moments??

Hmm a sliding doors moment, what could I pick....

IF the Saints picked up Petracca instead of McCartin and the Bont instead of Billings

THEN they would have finished in the top 4 this year

(I usually don't like revisiting the draft as I'm a MFC fan but these two mistakes were pretty bad)

8 minutes ago, Demonstone said:

I don't think Damien actually knows what the term "sliding door moment" means.

That's the thing that bothers me the most about this.

He is just another sewer rat and I am being kind.

6 minutes ago, DubDee said:

None of them even make sense!  how are any of them sliding doors moments??

Hmm a sliding doors moment, what could I pick....

IF the Saints picked up Petracca instead of McCartin and the Bont instead of Billings

THEN they would have finished in the top 4 this year

(I usually don't like revisiting the draft as I'm a MFC fan but these two mistakes were pretty bad)

One might be that if we drafted Macrae instead of Toumpas, then Weideman would be playing in the AFL because we wouldn't have been able to select Luke Jackson.

IF damien barrett ever learns what the term 'sliding doors' actually means THEN he wouldn't be working for afl.com.au

A 24 carrat muppet

I mean, they’re all pretty much phoned in. But Round 22’s “assessment” takes the cake. At least with the other rounds you can pick the match to which he’s referring. And talk about stating the bleeding obvious. 

43 minutes ago, Engorged Onion said:

I'm not sure why Damien (or anyone's) opinion matters to you, and I can see that it does.

Here are some reasons as to maybe why he hasn't given credit where credit is due in the IF...THEN... column

• Maybe he falls into the 'I still don't trust them' camp.
• It's not the right forum to be putting that opinion forward
• We became minor premiers essentially at the last kick of the season - a week earlier we could have dropped to 5th.
• Perhaps he really [censored] hates us for some obscure childhood reason, and only he knows that, but because of that, he gets to shape how people feel about how he feels about Melbourne because he has agency to write words about a sport that he gets paid to write about.

You've missed the point on this in your first sentence. 

IF  Barrett has a face for TV

THEN  I might be a chance for Hollywood

IF my Aunty had testes THEN she would be my uncle. See how easy this stuff is Damo? Anyone can write it! Maybe even FF3019’s chimp.

Here’s another:

IF Barrett is being paid to write this drivel THEN he is taking money under false pretences! 

Can someone give me some sort of summary so I don’t have to read through all of DB’s waffle? Hurts my brain.

Infinitely better than he used to be. He used to write stuff like 'IF theres a better player than the Bont THEN there isn't'.

Thanks for that Damo... Guy drives me crazy

I'll bet you Damien Barret agrees with Alanis Morissette's definition of irony.

Don't let the sliding door hit you on the way out Damo. 

Not sure if anyone can confirm this, but i think i remember a few years back there being an account on here that a few posters suspected may have been the great man Purple himself? 

10 minutes ago, Dwight Schrute said:

Not sure if anyone can confirm this, but i think i remember a few years back there being an account on here that a few posters suspected may have been the great man Purple himself? 

@DoorHandle ?

4 hours ago, Flag Favourites 3019 said:

Is Damien Barrett the laziest ever ‘journalist’? This is everything he said in his Sliding Doors column this year. I’ll let you be the judge.

 If you read the rest of the teams week to week you see who his darling teams are *cough* Bulldogs *cough* Geelong *cough* Richmond *cough* Essendon.

 1.     IF ...his first season as a Demon was a good one ...THEN ...Ed Langdon's second year in the red and the blue is looming as outstanding. One of the hardest runners in the comp, beginning to use the ball very well.

 2.     IF ...it was Matt De Boer last weekend until he suffered an injury ...THEN ...for Clayton Oliver on Sunday at the MCG it will be Mark O'Connor attempting to shut him down. On a beautiful roll at the moment, the Dees and Oliver. Tipping it to continue.

 3.     IF ...Trac, Clarry, Maysie, Maxxy, Kossy, Jakey and Fritta have been rightly getting the headlines for the stunning beginning to 2021 ...THEN ...Burgo deserves plenty, too. Darren Burgess that is, head of high performance at the Demons, who has this group humming.

 4.     IF ...the comparisons with Dusty have been coming fortnightly if not weekly for a season and five matches now ...THEN ...no better way for Trac to make it a daily consideration than a massive performance in the Anzac Day eve match. Backing him in.

5.     IF ...the Dees have extraordinarily got themselves to 6-0 without Ben Brown ...THEN ...look out from here. A new dimension.

 6.     IF ...Trac is now contracted on massive coin through to the end of 2029 ...THEN ...I hope the Dees have been able to set some cash aside to also keep Kozzy on the books. His is the long-term signature they really need. With Pickett, we’re witnessing the emergence of something we may have never seen before.

7.     IF ...all the pre-season plans had big Ben Brown and Sam Weideman in the key forward posts ...THEN ...it's yet another massive positive for the Demons that they boast an 8-0 scoreline before getting the chance to unleash this combo. Weideman in for the injured Jackson for Sunday's game against Carlton.

 8.     IF ...the focus, albeit understandably, is subconsciously on what could be the match of the year on Friday week against Western Bulldogs ...THEN ...that might pose a small problem on Saturday at Adelaide Oval, against the Crows.

 9.     IF ...Maxxy Gawn is already a four-time All-Australian ...THEN ...he's tracking beautifully to add a fifth. Looms alongside Bont as the most important player heading into this week's Friday night lights.

10.  IF ...there are definitely bigger headline-grabbing names at the Demons than Ed Langdon in this history-shaping start to 2021...THEN ...it is arguable that there have been too many more impactful players in this startling run. Unfortunately missing with concussion for Friday night lights against the Lions.

 11.  IF ..the Dees have handled the Western Bulldogs and Brisbane in the past fortnight ...THEN ...Collingwood on Monday at the SCG won't pose a problem.

12.  IF ...in the off-season Ben Brown was viewed as a key to what was to unfold in 2021 ...THEN ...it's time to unleash him. Injury, then form, ruined his first half of the season. Could still emerge as an X-factor.

 13.  IF ...Harmes got the job on Libba and Hibberd the task on Dusty ...THEN ...I wonder who will be sent to the Package on Saturday night at the MCG. If Stringer maintains the form he displayed last weekend, both will be required.

14.  IF ...it's Trac and Clarrie getting all the Demons mentions in Brownlow conversations ...THEN ...I don't know why big Maxxy is being left out. Finished equal fourth in 2018, and is quite possibly compiling the best of his 11 AFL seasons, which has already seen him earn four All-Australian jackets.

15.  IF ...I thought Tomlinson going down was catastrophic ...THEN ...it was merely a blip on the radar. For it has unleashed Harrison Petty.

16.  IF ...Maxxy Gawn has responded to every single challenge he's faced in an extraordinary AFL career ...THEN ...there is no doubt he will do so, again, in his latest threat, that of being the game's best ruckman via Sean Darcy's surge. All-Australian jacket No.5 coming up.

 17.  IF ...Bont in my eyes is THE standout player of 2021 ...THEN ...Trac is second to him. And Trac still has five matches to catch him, beginning Saturday night when he lines up inside the MCG square against him. After that moment, Bont will go one way, Trac the other, as they both inevitably go about controlling their team's fortunes in this fascinating 1 v 2 ladder clash. Cannot wait.

18.  IF ...the one downer in the pool in Tokyo this week were the questions which flew over the best combination in the women's 4 x 200m freestyle ...THEN ...the Demons can relate to that as they continue to try to get their forward line to gel.

 19.  IF ...there may have been mitigating circumstances ...THEN ...there was still no justifiable rationale for Jack Viney's sustained forearm/elbow on Sam Collins' jaw/neck. Lucky to escape with a two-week ban, not three.

 20.  IF ...you miss one week with a back injury ...THEN ...that's not cause for alarm. But when you miss a second, that is. Dees need Tom McDonald to fix that back.

 21.  IF ...there are Demons supporters obsessed by omens ...THEN ...Saturday night's one-versus-two match against Geelong at the Cattery carries great importance. A win means the minor premiership. The last time that happened. 1964.

22.  IF Melbourne was to win the 2021 Toyota AFL Premiership and Nathan Jones doesn't play ... Then more proof that footy fairytales are rare. This one would be a hard luck story for the ages.

23.  IF Jake Bowey is channelling anyone as he begins his AFL career ... THEN it could be Tiger Jack Graham. Bowey made his debut in round 20, game No.5 was a qualifying final win. Tracking beautifully to be part of a premiership in his seventh match. For Graham in 2017, it was his fifth, after being given his first in round 22.

I'm kinda staggered that someone would read through all of his tripe to compile that list.

 

Theres an hour or so of your life that you aren't going to get back

 

Didn't realise he was into computer programming either.