What an exclusive I can break to you all on demonland. Andrew Demetriou's email addressing all things tanking to Adrian Anderson. Major news. Here we go:

Yo Adrian,

How's it going? Things are pretty sweet up here at the Olympics in London. I went to the badminton last night - awesome. Got some autographs at the basketball. But I could go on and on about the awesome time I'm having. I hear there have been some dramas around tanking in the last couple of days. Boy, thought we'd heard the last of this one. Oh well, I wrote this letter during the men's 100m freestyle final, so if you could put this out as a press release that'd be just great. Just edit where necessary. Try to make me look funny.

"Dear media members, AFL fans and employees who are back home enjoying our great game while I conduct important business in London. It is with great sadness that I must inform you that the AFL has today decided to administer some penalties in light of public comments made recently by Northern Bullants player Rock McLean. As a consequence, we have decided to harshly penalise the Melbourne Football Club for their flagrant tanking in, well, pretty much any game between 2007 and 2012. But more on that later.

Sadly, while strenuously digging around for evidence of Melbourne's foul play, we have discovered that they were not alone. It is with a heavy heart that the AFL hands down the following penalties to various clubs for breaches of the newly created Tanking Act:

Carlton: The Blues appear to have been the trailblazer for Melbourne's rorting. You can't tell me the Cruiser (look, I can't spell his name - you don't think having to deal with the pronunciation of bloody R Nahas on Brownlw night is enough?) Cup wasn't a little fishy. I seem to remember T Johnstone having something like 67 possessions and 6 Brownlow votes on the night. Total debacle. Where was Fev? No, not literally - I couldn't care less what he was doing at Crown that night - why was he dropped for the last 9 games? As a penalty, Carlton will be forced to swap their #1 pick from 2007, the aforementioned Cruiser, with Melbourne's #4 pick, Cale Morton. My apologies to Cruiser and his family.

Collingwood: It's very sad (but hilarious when considering what Eddie's reaction will be) to acknowledge, but Collingwood have been found guilty of some shenanigans of their own. Hmm, losing the last 9 games of 2005 while stuck on 5 wins eh? Didn't think we'd pick up on that one, did you? And just two years removed from back to back grand final chokes no less. Collecting Thomas at 2 and Pendlebury at 5 was a hefty return. Given that Pendlebury won the 2010 Norm Smith, and no one was fooled by calling him Embleberry up there on the stage, we've decided to strip the Pies of the 2010 premiership. (Adrian, let me know when it's safe to come home. PS. Don't read that last bit out.)

Hawthorn: Like Collingwood, the Hawks will have to surrender their most recent premiership triumph. Such was their willingness to send players off for season-ending operations in 2004 in great number, numerous children missed out on hospital beds for life-saving operations. Please note, steel reinforcement has been added to the walls of the MCG coaches boxes.

West Coast: See the last two. 2006 premiership cup: gone. Blatant malarkey required to get into position to draft Chris Judd, let alone NicNat. Couldn't get em for 'recreational reasons' in 2006, nailed em here.

Adelaide: the Crows will be forfeiting the 1997 premiership. Before half of SA chokes on a Farmers Union iced coffee, squealing about not doing anything wrong, ask yourselves - how many times has Shane Ellen played in the forwardline before or since the '97 Grand Final? Positional experimentation is for after hours, not grand finals, thank you very much.

St. Kilda and the Bulldogs: One premiership each? Really? Nice try. You now have zero each.

Richmond: like the last two, you are an embarrassment to the competition, and not just for introducing the roar-o-meter to the AFL. Two finals appearances since 1982, and this in an era when we've rigged it so half the teams make the finals. We punish Richmond and its supporters by allowing the club to continue as is.

Brisbane: You weren't fooling anyone with the 'we only want 8 Fitzroy players' shtick. What, couldn't find a spot for Jason Ramsey or Brent Frewen? Could have been a five-peat (we would have bankrolled it too). You lose the 2001 premiership. Well, no, we need the game in Queensland. Just change your logo, would you? It makes me hungry.

Essendon: since 2008, only Richmond and Essendon have disgraced the stae of Victoria by losing to Melbourne. You want to debate that Michael Hurley s better than Jack Watts? Fine, he's a Melbourne player now.

Fremantle: LOL! All the advantages afforded to an interstate club in an AFL-mad city and you've made the finals thrice? For being the perennial skidmarks on the AFL's underpants for 18 years and without any accomplishments to remove the Dockers must revert to their original clown suit uniform.

Port Adelaide: playing the kids eh? Hmm, Chad Cornes and Dean Brogan excelling at GWS - clearly flogging players off before their use by date. AFL license is hereby revoked. (Adrian: phew, that was easy - I've been wanting to do that for a while).

Geelong: one of the more I sickening cases of tanking I've seen. The corruption not only of the sport, but of the female womb. How long did it take to establish this "father-son academy"? How many women tanked themselves out of regular relationships to take part in this production line of prodigies? All three premierships from the modern era are hereby removed.

Sydney: (just leave this bit out, Adrian. No one will count the teams anyway).

And so we come to Melbourne. This hotbed of treachery and tanking is met with the swift hand of the law. All premiership points for 2012 to be stripped, and their #1 pick from 2009 taken away. They will however be given an additional priority pick at the start of the first round in consequence of their third wooden spoon in five years.

We hope this is a warning to all teams, not just Melbourne, of the seriousness of tanking.

Yours sincerely,

Sir Andrew Demetriou (just watched the equestrian with the Queen - think I talked her into it)"

Thanks Adrian -AD

Edited August 4, 201212 yr by pantaloons

Ah...feels great to have a laugh.

Demonland.......P.Antaloons.......3 votes !

Great work Pants!

Very clever!

Well written - damn I forgot about that '97 granny when Ellen dominated.

tl;dr

No seriously that was funny. Sharing this.

Yo Adrian . . .

TLDR, but this part made my day!

TLDR, but this part made my day!

Absolutely, And hence I read the rest of his post with Stallone's voice in the back of my head...

Surely this can't be for real! Melbourne is being made the scapegoat for the misdemeanours of entire competition. If these penalties are metered out, it could sound the death knell for our great club. We must not take this lying down! Where are McLardy and Schwab when they are needed? They must stand up now, or never!

Great effort pants.

Nice, after a looooooong day at work, was good to get home and read something highly amusing

That was excellent.

Magnificent Pants-man

laughed until i did something I havent done since I was 5 years old. embarrassed.

leaked by assange i guess

I knew GWS and GC would get away Scott free! Confirms they are AD's favourites

Very funny - I laughed till I cried! Well written!

chortle chortle

Sensational post.

Thanks Pants

Can't believe I missed this. Absolutely brilliant.

Thats a harsh penalty for Melbourne the AFL do mean business. Great Email I really needed a laugh.

Save this one. Highlight of 2012!!