EXCLUSIVE: DEMON TANKING CRISIS LATEST

[Demonland 71,832]

International Incident Narrowly Averted over Connolly Comments by Caroline Wholesome

The Melbourne Football Club is at the centre of an international scandal after the Australian Ambassador to Ireland, Bruce Davis was summonsed to a late night meeting in Dublin yesterday with Enda Kenny, the country's Prime Minister. Davis was given a dressing down over comments allegedly made three years ago (or was it four?) by former football operations manager Chris Connolly.

It was alleged in a newspaper report published in the ailing Melbourne broadsheet, The Ace, that Connolly told an ashen faced CEO, Cameron Schwab, after the club's third win in 2009 that "Jimmy's just fallen out of his hospital bed.'' He was referring to club President Stynes who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

Kenny told Ambassador Davis that the comments constituted an insult to all Irishmen given Stynes' legendary status as a national hero. When Davis insisted that the comments were intended as a joke and had been completely misconstrued by a third rate hack journalist with a twisted agenda against Stynes' old club, PM Kenny flew into a rage and threatened to cut off diplomatic relations with Australia.

"I'm sick and tired of you Australians with your Irish jokes and you can stick that newspaper and its hack journos where the sun doesn't shine".

Davis responded that many Australians were doing exactly that these days.

Connolly was also under attack for allegedly telling a room full of MCG catering staff that their jobs were at stake if the club was to win more than four games in 2010 or perhaps that was 2012? He also threatened to take them to the vault at the Junction Oval where they could take their chances being urinatef on by the possums in the roof.

In late breaking news, according to sources who prefer to remain anonymous, AFL officials were last night questioning a member of Melbourne's half time Little League team of 2009. Henry Kishmentuchus, now aged 14, made the claim that the team coach told his players on several occasions during the season that the objective of the game was not to win but to "have fun".

This journalist does not accept the coach's comments. The young lad's evidence is clear proof of the culture of tanking that is so rampant within the Melbourne Football Club. It's time for McLardy, Schwab, Connolly, club captain Jordan Gysberts and the tea ladies to go, if not be indicted for treason for almost causing an international rift with a friendly nation. This matter will undoubtedly play itself out in the International Council for Human Rights.

[Brian Wilson 331]

Good fun. I used to read DL as a fun way to take a break from work. Not much fun recently...

[Elwood 3184 1,301]

Smashed it in for a touchdown.

Congratulations.

[BLWNBA 987]

Classic comedy

[MadAsHell 4,212]

Put a big smile on my face while trying to get my screaming 7 week old to bed.

[Whispering_Jack 29,881]

I've just been told by a source who asked not to be named that Ms. Wilson has read this article. The source claims that when she began to read the piece, her eyes started rolling around uncontrollably and she was visibly joyful at the revelation that the Demons were apparently in deep sh1t for causing an international crisis. It's been alleged that she didn't realise that it was all a leg pull until she reached the part about Jordan Gysberts being captain whereupon witnesses claim under condition of anonymity that she remarked

"That can't be right. I'm sure Gysberts is co-captain with somebody. Is it Cale Morton?"

[diesel 420]

I hope 'The Ace' got this reportage right or it could get ugly (uglier?). I'm inclined to think large parts of it are made up or have been misrepresented though....oh well! No wonder people are fleeing to blogs in their search for facts and avoidance of opinion pieces in NEWSpapers.

[Little Goffy 14,506]

A couple of minutes' work, be forgiving.

https://twitter.com/LittleGoffy/status/264565400103174144/photo/1/large

[waynewussell 5,503]

Love your work!

[markc 975]

thankyou for the laugh

well done

[FC Melbourne 108]

I also once heard Chris say he could 'murder a beer'.

Taskforce Purana being reformed as I type.

[daisycutter 29,606]

Big Max once said he could eat a horse. Should I call the RSPCA or the Police?

[FC Melbourne 108]

Nate Jones once said he 'could eat the arse out of a low flying duck'.

Should I call the RSPCA or PETA?

[Grapeviney 9,714]

Apparently Sam Blease is going to get off lightly. At this stage he's only considered to have half (a) tank

[machine11 142]

I also once heard Chris say he could 'murder a beer'.

Taskforce Purana being reformed as I type.

I also heard we have Saddams weeapons of mass destruction hidden in our "vault".

[rumpole 515]

Good for the Irish PM for sticking up for Irishmen the world around, especially on whose great uncle stood side by side with Michael Collins.

What I'm looking for now is an inquiry into yellow journalism in the Australian sports media and why they so willfully seek to expose what one club did when so many others have done exactly the same thing and much worse?

Why did the AFL's investigation into Tony Liberatore's comments about the Kreuzer Cup last just 15 minutes?

Why did the AFL not investigate Richmond about Terry Wallace's comments about the way he coached his team against St. Kilda?

Collingwood 2005 anyone?

Lots more?

Let's also investigate the media's campaign against Melbourne and Schwab.

Who leaked?

How did the lie told about Mark Neeld and Aaron Davey get to see the light of day?

These things might have dragged us into war with an ally. We need answers.

[Whispering_Jack 29,881]

Rumpole, I can't answer that question but I do have some vision of the interrogation -

[heartbeatstrue 57]

Heard a rumour at the weekend that Caroline's been told by one of her usual reliable sources that the AFL has obtained groundbreaking DNA evidence that Melbourne tanked. She's planning a big scoop article in the Rage for Wednesday, in a bold attempt to displace Obama and the US election off the front page.

[jockreynolds 0]

hahaaa nothing like a good old laugh to lighten the load.

Great Stuff

[DeeVoted 583]

* BREAKING NEWS *

If you thought things couldnt get any worse,it just did.

All Melbourne Cup bets payouts have been suspended. A full review of the race that went live worldwide is being investigated.

We may have witnessed our last Melb Cup race.

Expect a press release later today. From the VRC

Some unknown journalist has put 2 and 2 together

Did Fiorente the horse that finished runner up, try to win? was it ridden hard enough.

2 things could see our great race have run its last race

MELBOURNE Cup 2nd placed Fiorente ridden by. you guessed it JAMES McDONALD

[Biffen 12,940]

* BREAKING NEWS *

If you thought things couldnt get any worse,it just did.

All Melbourne Cup bets payouts have been suspended. A full review of the race that went live worldwide is being investigated.

We may have witnessed our last Melb Cup race.

Expect a press release later today. From the VRC

Some unknown journalist has put 2 and 2 together

Did Fiorente the horse that finished runner up, try to win? was it ridden hard enough.

2 things could see our great race have run its last race

MELBOURNE Cup 2nd placed Fiorente ridden by. you guessed it JAMES McDONALD

Not the end of my world to know that Jockeys and Horse Racing are corrupt.

its been the case for Three hundred years .

[45HG 1,539]

MELBOURNE Cup 2nd placed Fiorente ridden by. you guessed it JAMES McDONALD

He'll be riding in West Sydney in two years time.

[Biffen 12,940]

He'll be riding in West Sydney in two years time.

Top kiwi apprentice who "rode the card" as a 17 year old.

He will be around for a long time and win many a race this kid .