I’ll just leave this here…

Clement Freud joke

Not my favorite joke, but a Christmas one.

What’s an elf’s favorite genre of music?

Wrap music.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following

details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone

on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found

that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be

slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a

barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on

the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and

loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it

tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11

of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at

being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and

forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate

up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now

proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in

section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my

rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two

knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to

hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately

50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the

building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed

to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in

pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and

let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its

journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Yours sincerely

AMBIDEXTROUS WORKER NON ALIGNED

1 hour ago, picket fence said:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following

details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone

on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found

that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be

slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a

barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on

the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and

loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it

tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11

of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at

being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and

forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate

up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now

proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in

section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my

rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two

knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to

hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately

50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the

building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed

to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in

pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and

let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its

journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Yours sincerely

AMBIDEXTROUS WORKER NON ALIGNED

I don’t get it 🤔

But I know you’ve copied and pasted the text, not just because of the unusual paragraphing, but because apart from your sign-off, there’s not a single word in caps. 😅

I’ll just leave this here…

9 hours ago, 3183 Dee said:

Clement Freud joke

Bravo.

Reminds me of the true story about Murdoch in his early days going out on a bender with the editors on a Friday night.

Next day Rupert complained to his close friend who was the actual culprit that he was so drunk he had vomited spaghetti all over his trouser leg. Murdoch said he must have been wasted because he doesn't even like pasta.

I wish I could vomit on the old fox.

Edited December 31, 2025Dec 31 by Previously known as LITD.

Spike Milligan:

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States."

Ok. A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.. oh wait I can't tell that one!

On 31/12/2025 at 12:34, picket fence said:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following

details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone

on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found

that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be

slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a

barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on

the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and

loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it

tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11

of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at

being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and

forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate

up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now

proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in

section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my

rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two

knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to

hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately

50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the

building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed

to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks

and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in

pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and

let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its

journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Yours sincerely

AMBIDEXTROUS WORKER NON ALIGNED

Somewhere out there in the world is a Swedish short film reenacting this joke. Perfectly delivered in deadpan style. Has the guy covered in bandages and splints filling out the form on a typewriter, one-finger typing, mixed with very brief flashback fragments of the events as described.

Saw it back in the days when SBS was in the sweet spot of not so much soccer and being more a genuine source of global and obscure stories, but before it became a campaign content broadcaster.

Went for a job interview for the BBC. Remembered it the other day. 50 second build up

8 hours ago, Little Goffy said:

Somewhere out there in the world is a Swedish short film reenacting this joke. Perfectly delivered in deadpan style. Has the guy covered in bandages and splints filling out the form on a typewriter, one-finger typing, mixed with very brief flashback fragments of the events as described.

Saw it back in the days when SBS was in the sweet spot of not so much soccer and being more a genuine source of global and obscure stories, but before it became a campaign content broadcaster.

Eat Carpet was a must-watch back in the day.

I asked my gym instructor to teach me how to the splits....

She said 'how flexible are you?'

I said "I can't do Tuesdays'......

The sex life of men…

In their 20s — tri-weekly

In their 50s — try weekly

In their 80s — try weakly

😉

2 hours ago, Ghostwriter said:

The sex life of men…

In their 20s — tri-weekly

In their 50s — try weekly

In their 80s — try weakly

😉

Ghosty,

What are you confessing about your sex life?! 😛🤣🤣🤣

8 hours ago, Ghostwriter said:

The sex life of men…

In their 20s — tri-weekly

In their 50s — try weekly

In their 80s — try weakly

😉

I'm trying to decide whether I'm offended or proud...

7 hours ago, Go Ds said:

Ghosty,

What are you confessing about your sex life?! 😛🤣🤣🤣

Did you not read the first line of the post?

The sex life of MEN

😁

The four ages of men ...

1 - You believe in Santa

2 - You don't believe in Santa

3 - You pretend to be Santa

4 - You look like Santa

15 hours ago, Ghostwriter said:

The sex life of men…

In their 20s — tri-weekly

In their 50s — try weekly

In their 80s — try weakly

😉

This is what happens when social media is banned for people under the age of 16. All of a sudden, adult material appears everywhere. I'm genuinely surprised the autocensor thingy didn't block the second word in Ghosty's post.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. And she wants to come with me.....

this one belongs to my mother, but i've adopted it, used it as my own...

in mid-air, there's one person going up and one going down

the one going down says to the one going up, "excuse me, but do you know anything about parachutes?"

the one going up says to the one going down, "no, sorry... do you know anything about pop-up toasters?"

i have no idea why, but it's always amused me

I was standing in line at the ATM the other day waiting to take out some money and an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

19 hours ago, whatwhat say what said:

this one belongs to my mother, but i've adopted it, used it as my own...

in mid-air, there's one person going up and one going down

the one going down says to the one going up, "excuse me, but do you know anything about parachutes?"

the one going up says to the one going down, "no, sorry... do you know anything about pop-up toasters?"

i have no idea why, but it's always amused me

My dad loved that one too.

Except his was gas BBQs.

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says “I don’t know, maybe she choked.”

20 minutes ago, Previously known as LITD. said:

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years.........

.........The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says “I don’t know, maybe she choked.”

Really need that facepalm emoji back!!