If I don't laugh I'll cry

[Demons1858 1,753]

The only time I've found some relief from Saturday's performance is when reading some of the comedic gold of our posters. Inviting some of our witty (and not so witty) posters to add to my small contribution below (if they feel you can!):

What's the difference between Melbourne's season defining games and a coin toss? You at least have a 50:50 chance of winning a coin toss!

What's the difference between Dom Tyson and a garden hose? Under Pressure the hose has faster supply!

How many players does it take to change the MCG light blubs? Are you kidding, they've never been that high up a ladder!

[beelzebub 23,313]

you may then enjoy the recap from ol' friend Titus;

"Collingwood (99) v The most frustrating thing ever invented in the history of time (83)

Some days it dawns on you that you’ve wasted enormous chunks of your life. As a Demons fan, these days come with alarming regularity.

Against a Collingwood side that had little riding on this game, except saving a not very successful coach, the Demons played this with the intensity of the EJ Whitten game.

There is no excuse for what happened. Melbourne had the chance to secure themselves a spot in the finals, and they blew it with a performance as disappointing as it was predictable.

Let’s not forget, the Demons had a chance to play finals last year, only to lose to an awful Carlton side.

The thing that made me most bitter about this performance was it meant I had to effectively barrack for the Dockers and then the Crows to win.

Who puts someone in that situation? Not a friend.

Was this the worst weekend of my life? The thing about Melbourne is they give you so many to choose from.

Did anyone in the world have a worse weekend than Melbourne fans? Well, let’s just say I had people who are living in Syria call me to see if I was OK.

I guess expecting to rush back into finals after just eleven years out was a bit ambitious.

I’m just waiting to see the Brisbane Lions rebuild overtake Melbourne’s in the next few seasons.

One thing you have to give Collingwood credit for is they at least have pride in their club.

They just wanted this more, pure and simple. They would have also been thrilled to discover the Demons decided this was the week to give up tackling."

[At Least I Saw a Flag 5,222]

Titus is one of the most amusing writers I have read. He's great.

However, little to no humour in his latest offering. As a Demons' supporter he is genuinely hurt.

I don't blame him.

[Sir Why You Little 36,982]

7 minutes ago, beelzebub said:

you may then enjoy the recap from ol' friend Titus;

"Collingwood (99) v The most frustrating thing ever invented in the history of time (83)

Some days it dawns on you that you’ve wasted enormous chunks of your life. As a Demons fan, these days come with alarming regularity.

Against a Collingwood side that had little riding on this game, except saving a not very successful coach, the Demons played this with the intensity of the EJ Whitten game.

There is no excuse for what happened. Melbourne had the chance to secure themselves a spot in the finals, and they blew it with a performance as disappointing as it was predictable.

Let’s not forget, the Demons had a chance to play finals last year, only to lose to an awful Carlton side.

The thing that made me most bitter about this performance was it meant I had to effectively barrack for the Dockers and then the Crows to win.

Who puts someone in that situation? Not a friend.

Was this the worst weekend of my life? The thing about Melbourne is they give you so many to choose from.

Did anyone in the world have a worse weekend than Melbourne fans? Well, let’s just say I had people who are living in Syria call me to see if I was OK.

I guess expecting to rush back into finals after just eleven years out was a bit ambitious.

I’m just waiting to see the Brisbane Lions rebuild overtake Melbourne’s in the next few seasons.

One thing you have to give Collingwood credit for is they at least have pride in their club.

They just wanted this more, pure and simple. They would have also been thrilled to discover the Demons decided this was the week to give up tackling."

At least we all feel the same way

Titus is a gem

[beelzebub 23,313]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Melbourne supporter....sold his soul to Santa !!

[beelzebub 23,313]

Why do we follow Melbourne......just for the Hell of it !!!

[iv'a worn smith 1,979]

Several weeks ago my wife booked a trip to Vietnam.  When I noticed the dates booked, I realised that I would be away for the GF.  I said to her, why didn't you check the dates with me first?  The Dees may well be at the 'big dance, and with these dates I will miss it'.

Fast forward to last Saturday and I was wishing I could get on the plane then and there.  As with many of us, I have had to endure the ribbing of mates, who see slagging MFC supporters as a sport in itself.  I just grinned and beared it, believing that we had turned the corner and September.....even October action was assured.

Why do I/we do this to ourselves?  I was angry like many of us.  I was irrational as well, disbelieving of some of the selections and moves the coaching panel made.  Why wasn't Frost playing?  How can the team be so complacent to put in such an insipid first quarter performance?  Surely the coach failed to get the boys up for this game, as was his responsibility.  In the clear light of day, I was actually relieved, because in my view, we would have simply been making up the numbers.

What still remains is that this group of players needs to shoulder responsibility for not realising the importance of last Saturday and getting themselves up for it.  So often this year, even with some of our more notable wins, there were periods where we went to sleep.  I hope Jonesy is right and the players 'pain' will give them the resolve to make amends next year.

But I am not getting any younger and I can only believe it, when and if I see it.  Here's hoping the almighty will shine down on us just once, before I depart the mortal coil.......... but I won't be holding my breath.

Why do we do this to ourselves, I keep asking?

Anyway, I will pack my bags and head off to the heat of South East Asia.  Knowing my luck, my seat on the plane will be next to a smug and feral filth supporter.

 

[Nasher 33,607]

Hah - I recently bemoaned a long term mate's wedding on GF day, now I welcome the distraction. Footy can go eat a bag. Until next March, where I'll line up for another big fat serve.

[beelzebub 23,313]

warning...a bit long .........

A Melbourne Supporter dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name, ...and club.

"So, you're a Demon Supporter..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for supporters of that team, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the Demon. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the supporter disappears. He awakens, curled up with his hands over his eyes, just knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wow, this is the penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The Demon asks.

"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"

"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering? ( something he's well experienced )

Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we're a bit misrepresented, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the Demon wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby. Everyone waves and welcomes him. Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, slap him on the back and trade jokes. His worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall magpie-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, the wine Red and steak a tinged Blue Everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.

"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the Melbourne Supporter. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."

"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the Demon. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, was preseason !!”
 

[DeeZee 7,363]

When I die I want the Melbourne players to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

[YesitwasaWin4theAges 6,685]

33 minutes ago, Nasher said:

Hah - I recently bemoaned a long term mate's wedding on GF day, now I welcome the distraction. Footy can go eat a bag. Until next March, where I'll line up for another big fat serve.

You know all quite well we'll be back next year same time same place discussing the same things we are now.

Deepressing?

[Demons1858 1,753]

The Demonshop are selling discounted ladders for the DIY in all of us.

To stop us and the players from climbing to dizzy heights we have taken the precaution of removing the top rungs for you.

[beelzebub 23,313]

Just discovered............Dees 2017 game plan:

[Jaded No More 68,867]

6 hours ago, Nasher said:

Hah - I recently bemoaned a long term mate's wedding on GF day, now I welcome the distraction. Footy can go eat a bag. Until next March, where I'll line up for another big fat serve.

Amen. I was so worried I'll miss us playing off in a grand final because I'm off on holidays in 3 weeks. I even told my boyfriend I'll fly home to watch us play, then fly back.

Oh man what an idiot. I'll be drinking $2 cocktails in Vietnam on grand final day, and Melbourne can get stuffed!

[Biffen 12,940]

7 hours ago, beelzebub said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Melbourne supporter....sold his soul to Santa !!

Lillee runs in, bowls to Boycott,who lets it go to Marsh ,who then just pops it up to Chappell at slip, who shines it vigorously before returning it to Lillee via the agency of Border in the covers.

 

[dieter 3,325]

4 minutes ago, Biffen said:

Lillee runs in, bowls to Boycott,who lets it go to Marsh ,who then just pops it up to Chappell at slip, who shines it vigorously before returning it to Lillee via the agency of Border in the covers.

 

Have you been detoxed or had that Keith-like blood transfusion yet? You're in the wrong century, on the wrong planet, again.

What are you putting on your cucumber sandwiches? Maybe you caught an infection after your last Brazilian??Has your Pimms been spiked? Are you aware the snow on Buller will melt soon? Is your pin number for the Cayman Island account with the Commonwealth still active? Do you even know the name of the Cellar master at the Melbourne Club?

What day is it?

 

 

[dieter 3,325]

6 hours ago, DeeZee said:

When I die I want the Melbourne players to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

If they do most of them will be wondering why you didn't get a real life after all.

Sorry, them's the facts. It's a game of AFL football, doctored, twisted, manipulated, they don't bounce the ball till the Ads are done etc etc, in other words, we live in an imperfect world. Get over it. Take up bushwalking, nordic skiing, Yoga, Mindfullness, get a subscription to a gym instead of foxtel. Take up scuba diving..

[John Crow Batty 8,861]

An exciting new accessory for our players to wear on game days.

[beelzebub 23,313]

6 hours ago, DeeZee said:

When I die I want the Melbourne players to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

Apparently the club will be offering funerals in glass coffins. Will this be a success ? Remains to be seen !!

[Demons1858 1,753]

Nathan Jones has been contracted by Swisse to endorse their revolutionary new suppliment. Side effects can include: abnormal heart rate, nausea, vomiting, and constant-patients

[Cheap Seats 3,310]

9 hours ago, beelzebub said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Melbourne supporter....sold his soul to Santa !!

Haha I enjoyed that one

[DeeZee 7,363]

2 hours ago, dieter said:

If they do most of them will be wondering why you didn't get a real life after all.

Sorry, them's the facts. It's a game of AFL football, doctored, twisted, manipulated, they don't bounce the ball till the Ads are done etc etc, in other words, we live in an imperfect world. Get over it. Take up bushwalking, nordic skiing, Yoga, Mindfullness, get a subscription to a gym instead of foxtel. Take up scuba diving..

No sense of humor huh? ??

[dieter 3,325]

2 minutes ago, DeeZee said:

No sense of humor huh? ??

peace, bro, was trying to be funny. Like cracking a joke at a funeral, I know. ( Happened to me once, I couldn't stop laughing. )

[beelzebub 23,313]

So it's official. We need both a 'sarcasm' font andva 'funny' font.

Maybe comic-sans for the latter.

[Demonland 71,614]

Too soon?