JOKES PLEASE

[Biffen 12,940]

My first girlfriend was kind of like "the girl next door"

That is if you lived next to a brothel .

[McQueen 17,864]

I shagged my mates girlfriend a couple of nights ago and now I feel terrible.

I reckon she might've had the flu or something.

[Barney Rubble 1,576]

True Friendship...

SCOTTISH STYLE!!

(None of that Sissy shite)

Are ye tired of those [censored] weak 'friendship' poems that always

Sound good, but never actually

come close to reality? Well, here

Are a series of promises that

actually speak of true friendship... You will see no cute

wee smiley faces on this card ..

Just the stone cold truth of a

great friendship.

1. When ye are sad -- I will help you

get [censored] and plot revenge

Against the bastard who made ye

sad.

2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3. When ye smile -- I will know ye

are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the [censored] out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.

5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until,

YE STOP YER WHINING!

6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7... When ye are sick --Stay the [censored] away from me until ye are well again.

I don't want whatever ye've got.

8... When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy arse,

.........but I'll help you up.

9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth...

Send this to 10 of yer closest friends,

Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4

[WhateverItTakes 17]

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't make an en zyme.

And, my personal favourite..

What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!

[Macca 16,923]

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break , it can only become stairs . There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign , only an "Escalator temporarily stairs , sorry for the convenience".

[Bossdog 2,002]

An irish bloke walks into a pub and orders three pots and then goes to a table and drinks them

This goes on every day for months, the barman and the patrons wonder why he has three pots at the one time so the barman asks him and he explains "I have two brothers back in Ireland and we vowed that we would have a beer every day for each other"

Then one day the Irishman comes in to the pub and orders Two pots and then goes to his table. The barman and the patrons think one of the brothers must have died and are all very sad for him.

The barman walks over and says "Mate I am very sorry for your loss" The Irish bloke looks at him confused and says"What loss?"

"Well I notice that you only bought Two pots so we thought one of you brothers must have died."

The Irish bloke says "Nah I've just given up drinking.

[MrMoose 262]

[McQueen 17,864]

My wife had a near death experience last October.

Thought she could start up the vacuum while the AFL Granny was on TV.

[Jack Jack 415]

[Range Rover 1,935]

Billy Connolly ... "Worst pain known to man"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qenzQaXM6Pw

[Macca 16,923]

Classic Hale and Pace ..."Man who can't take anything seriously"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJZ8NEEw5Jo

[Swampfox 190]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[PartyTimeJohnny 537]

Horse Walks into a Bar

Barman: Hey Horsie, why the long face?

Horse: I contracted Aids.

I await my suspension.

[McQueen 17,864]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

[Flemo56 396]

Talkin Dog 4 sale

Man driving down country rd see's a sign out front of house "Talking Dog 4 Sale".

curious he goes and knocks on front door, a man answers door and tells the curious driver to go round the back of house and check the dog out.

He finds a nice looking Labrador lying there, a bit bemused he asks the dog, "can you talk", and the dog replies "sure can".

Bloke pick's himself up off the ground totally astounded, then ask's, whats the story?

"Well when we found that I could talk, I was used by the CIA, and flown all round the world on missions, I was top spy for 8yrs but i got sick off all the travel and retired back home and worked at the International airport and was top dog for 3yrs then i actually retired and sired a litter of pups and now this is me"

"Geez, your unbelievable, I'm gunna buy you"!

Man went back and knocked on door again, and asked the owner how much for the dog?

"10 bucks pal" He couldn't believe it, 10 bucks

"What, why so cheap"

"Arhhh he's fulla [censored] and never been out the yard"

[La Dee-vina Comedia 16,693]

The second tough week. The team is playing like a joke. I think a few jokes would help us all relax for the night. Winner has a free seat at selection table for round one.

Here goes..... sorry about the politics but its the only one I've heard lately (I'm a swinging voter)

Julia Gillard was on a cruise boat when it sank. Fortunately she was able to walk to shore. Newspaper declared Gillard unable to swim.

Reminds me of the story about how 'Pravda' might have reported a race between a Soviet and a US runner. The US runner came first, but Pravda reported that the Soviet runner came second while the US runner came second last.

[nutbean 8,838]

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked...

A baby harp seal walked into a club.

[1 red eye 1 blue eye 771]

Teacher tells her class that tomorrow she'll be asking 3 kids to spell the word "urinate" and that they'll need to be able to use it in a sentence.

Next day Teach say's OK who would like to spell urinate? 3 kids, Mary, Anne and Johnny fling up their hands. Mary your first, Mary spells urinate correctly. "excellent Mary,

now, can you put it into a sentence? Mary says "This morning I saw a dog urinate on a tree" Excellent says Teach, now, Anne, Anne stands up, spells urinate correctly

"Well done Anne, now, can you put it into a sentence?" Anne say's "if I'm in class and I need to urinate I have to put up my hand and ask to go to the toilet" "Excellent

sentence Anne" says Teach. Slightly reluctantly, Teacher asks Johnny to spell urinate, Johnny stands up and slowly spells out "u. r. i. n. a. t. e" "Very well done Johnny"

says Miss "but...can you put it into a sentence?" Johnny confidently replies "My Dad reckons urinate but, if you had bigger t!ts you'd be a 10"

Edited March 19, 2012 by 1 red eye 1 blue eye

[Macca 16,923]

The Dog's Diary vs The Cat's Diary

The Dog's Diary..........

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.........

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects . They dine lavishly on fresh meat , while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets . Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear , I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength . The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape . In an attempt to disgust them , I once again vomit on the carpet . Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet . I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts , since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities . However , they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am . Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight . I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event . However , I could hear the noises and smell the food . I overheard that my confinement was due to "allergies." I must learn what this means , and how to use it to my advantage . Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking . I must try this again tomorrow , but at the top of the stairs .

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are dobbers and snitches . The dog receives special privileges . He is regularly released , and seems to more than willing to return . He is obviously not the full quid . The bird must be an informant . I observe him communicate with the guards regularly . I am certain that he reports my every move . My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell , so he is safe . For now .

Edited March 19, 2012 by Macca

[Dockett 32 1,239]

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "[censored] Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought - " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".

[monoccular 17,413]

Joke #1: Neale Daniher "Melbourne will be ruthless"

Candidate for sequel, though the jury is still out: Mark Neeld "Melbourne will be the hardest team to play against"

[Disco Demons 92]

The Collingwood cheer squad has just returned from a visit to an orphanage in Zimbabwe. "It was a great chance to meet such underprivileged people with so little hope in life" said Alfred Mogmbo, Age 6

[Striker475 696]

What is the best result of a Carlton-Collingwood game?

A stadium collapse.

[pantaloons 2,019]

A man walks into a bar and notices a lady at the other end of the bar. "I'll have one beer for me", he says to the bartender, "and another for the lady at the end of the bar".

"I wouldn't worry about her", said the bartender. "She's a lesbian".

Undeterred, the patron took both beers and headed over to the aforementioned woman, sliding a beer in front of her. "So", he began, "What part of Lesbia are you from?"

[McQueen 17,864]

An Aussie met a fairy who offered to grant him one wish.

"I want to live forever," he said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."

"OK,” he said, "Then I want to die when the Melbourne Demons win the AFL premiership."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

Edited April 14, 2012 by McQueen