Tony Tea

A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist.

I fear Essendon and Carlton. We showed last year, that if anyone can lose to scrubbers it's Melbourne. It would be a Demon KPI to lose to these duds again this year.

Melbourne did the right thing by refusing to draft Wines' hair.

Let's be perfectly candid here. The facts! In the entire history of mankind, there has never been an attractive tattoo. NO tattoo looks good. There is something clinically and psychologically wrong with people who get tattoos. NB: Naturally, I will excuse any Melbourne player who has tattoos and who plays well.

At work I never talk to to opposition fans. They either have no idea, or they have no idea. Speaking of opposition fans, the comments under yesterday's Herald Sun match report are hilarious. 335 comments for a glorified practice match, about 330 of which are Port and Adelaide fans smashing each other.

Dees dominate play, opposition goals. Demon KPI.

I agree with that. But it starts at the contest.

You've only got to look at who the AFL use for publicity, spin and bvllsh!t to see that all those groups scoop their personnel from the same rancid bucket.

Viney is a psycho Energiser bunny. Love him.

My hobby horse on my soap box. AFL footy is all about size and grunt. Roos and the current footy department know it's a power game and have recruited competitive animals. Clarko, despite Hawthorn's style of rebound footy, also understands this, and bases its game around the likes of Lewis & Hodge crashing bodies. (Their famous "unsociable footy" is part & parcel of the physical game.) Most every kid who enters the AFL can kick, mark, handball and generally play the game at U18 level. It's mostly the bigger bodied competitors who develop into successful AFL footballers. By successful I mean players who play well in big games and finals. Players who may have less skill than their opponents, but who through size, strength and desire, have the ability to beat their opponent every time. It will be fascinating to see how Oliver compares with Parish. Parish has a big wrap as a pure footballer, but he may struggle to get the agate if no one can get it to him. Oliver, on the other hand, looks like the sort of player who will be difficult to stop, since his objective is to charge into the fray and get the ball. In the AFL you should always rate the Oliver type over the Parish type. The former is the guts of a footy team, the latter is the garnish. It is also why I am less bullish on Stretch and Neal-Bullen, than some.

The biggest problem for the AFL is that no one believes anything they say. People automatically assume every public utterance is spin, or worse. They've completely blown their credibility.

Hogan and Harmes.

All the games. All the outlets. All the coverage. Is anyone surprised the footy media is stacked with oafs making up numbers?

Hopefully Seven will employ a trained broadcaster, not another try-hard ex-player picked via the old boys' network.

Speaking of Dan Brown, read this excellent and very funny parody review in The Telegraph. Here's a sample:

Let's face it - both television and radio commentary is mostly aimed as children and idiots. The number of good commentators and/or commentary teams is a bare fraction of the total number of commentators. There is simply not enough talent to cover all the broadcast outlets.

If there's one team that is capable of losing to the Essenbye it is Melbourne. AND we all know it.

When Jackson left the AFL was seen as a bit of a clunky bungler, when Demetriou left the AFL was seen as an organisation whose every single public utterance was a lie.

The Integrity Unit exists to make sure no one commits integrity.

Simon Barnes' article in The Spectator is not about AFL, but it may as well be: This could be the year that sport starts to die.

The only plot Gillon McLachlan ever had was for All the President's Men or some similar corruption & cover-up fiasco.

He already is getting heaps of media attention.

No doubt they are providing the ammo (advice) for the Essendon camp to load and fire.

Parish looks okay, but AFL is all about size and grunt. If both players develop along similar line Oliver will be the better player because he has the bigger body. He also looks like more of a competitive animal.

Will he work on the most difficult job in the history of sport - getting effective Melbourne kick-outs.