Some Filth Humour

[wizardinoz 2,053]

Just saw this posted on Facebook & it had me in stitches ?

"Important information for all Collingwood supporters going to the game next Saturday;

Dole payments will be available as cash advances outside gates 4,7 and 8.

A temporary parole office will be set up near gate 3.

An amnesty will be available for stolen vehicles that can be left in the carpark after the game.

A fight will be made available outside the Royal at 7pm.

Free trains will be available from Richmond station assuming you wont have paid for a ticket anyway..."

[Queanbeyan Demon 6,046]

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

[Mazer Rackham 14,970]

23 minutes ago, Queanbeyan Demon said:

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed.

Just wondering what counts as a sexy outfit for Collingwood supporters...

Maybe made entirely from scratchie tickets.

Or in the nuddy with just Maccas VIP passes covering the essential areas.

 

At the moment of truth she shrieks out "Nathan! Nathan!" and he screams "Pants! Pants!"

[deebug 1,754]

8 minutes ago, Mazer Rackham said:

Just wondering what counts as a sexy outfit for Collingwood supporters...

Maybe made entirely from scratchie tickets.

Or in the nuddy with just Maccas VIP passes covering the essential areas.

 

At the moment of truth she shrieks out "Nathan! Nathan!" and he screams "Pants! Pants!"

Tracky daks and moco's ?

[Bitter but optimistic 21,412]

1 hour ago, Queanbeyan Demon said:

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

Did she put her false teeth in a glass beside the bed?

Now that would be enticing.

[Bitter but optimistic 21,412]

Female filth fans are all adwhoreable. 

[Bitter but optimistic 21,412]

Filth sheilas are so ugly dogs have to close their eyes to leg hump them.

[buck_nekkid 5,527]

What do Collingwood fans use for protection during sex?

Bus Shelters

[RalphiusMaximus 5,993]

How do you know you're a Collingwood supporter?

When you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the kitchen table, right in front of her kids. 

[Dirts 429]

What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a good looking bird on his arm? A: Nice tattoo 

 

[Dirts 429]

You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and a pies supporter. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the Pies supporter Twice. 

 

[Dirts 429]

What do you call a Pies supporter in a suit? A: The accused.

[Dirts 429]

It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Collingwood.

[Moonshadow 16,347]

[Mazer Rackham 14,970]

Collingwood lose a close one and Joffa's heart packs up and next thing you know, he's at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says, "Sorry, pal. No Collingwood fans allowed in Heaven."

"What!?" says Joffa.

"You heard, no Collingwood fans allowed."

"But ... I've been good! I'm always helping people, doing good deeds and that!"

"Oh yeah. Like what?"

"Well, from me last week's dole cheque, I give $100 to the Salvos."

"Hmmm .... anything else?"

"Well the fortnight before that I give $100 to the African orphans."

"Hmmm .... anything else?"

"And the fortnight before that I give $100 to them people what give the injections to the Aboriginal kiddies."

"All right. I'd better have a word with God. Wait here."

St Peter goes off.

Comes back.

"I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $300 back, now f*** off!"

[Mazer Rackham 14,970]

1 hour ago, Bitter but optimistic said:

Did she put her false teeth in a glass beside the bed?

Now that would be enticing.

Sure would! If you could lift them without her noticing, you could get $15 for them at cash converters!

[pineapple dee 2,892]

1 hour ago, buck_nekkid said:

What do Collingwood fans use for protection during sex?

Bus Shelters

Damn, I was going to say that. 

[jane02 3,409]

Loving these - more please ?

[Mazer Rackham 14,970]

So Eddie McGuire, being a good Irish lad, had on his bucket list a desire to meet the Pope. He heard that you could go to St Peters Square in Rome and on Wednesdays the Pope comes out and mingles, meeting people, chatting with them, blessing them, sometimes arm wrestling them. (OK, not really the last part.)

Eddie gets rigged up in his best suit and gets a good possie. The Pope comes along, shaking hands, blessing, doing Pope-y type stuff and goes right past Eddie. Completely ignores him. Instead goes up to a tramp wearing filthy rags and whispers in his ear.

Afterwards Eddie goes up to the tramp. He says, listen. How about we swap clothes. I'll pay you a thousand bucks!

Tramp says yes so next Wednesday Eddie's there dressed in the rags. The Pope comes out again and he spots Eddie! Comes straight over and whispers in his ear. "I thought I told you to f*** off!"

[Moonshadow 16,347]

[Bitter but optimistic 21,412]

Question : A filth daughter asks her mum how to spell penis. 

Answer  : I wish you'd asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.

Edited September 25, 2018 by Bitter but optimistic

[nosoupforme 3,085]

Whats black and white and roles in the car park...         Answer  _  a rat  Collingwood supporter and a  Seagull fighting over a chip.

[Mazer Rackham 14,970]

11 hours ago, Bitter but optimistic said:

Question : A filth daughter asks her mum how to spell penis. 

Answer  : I wish you'd asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.

Answer: I wish you'd asked me last night, I'm off me t!ts on meth now, I don't know me own f*ckin name!

Answer: watch your language young lady! We call it a pr!ck in this house!

Answer: I dunno but scratch it in the duco of the neighbour's car anyway or you're grounded

[GM11 695]

[george_on_the_outer 7,042]

Some good ones from "The Punt Road End", the Richmond fan site:

Why can't the police solve murders in Collingwood? Becasuse the DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.   Family of Collingwood supporters head off to do their Christmas Shoplifting.While in Rebel Sports store the son picks up a Tigers jumper & says to his 10year old sister, "Hey sis, I've decided to become a Tigers supporter & want this Richmond jumper for Christmas".His sister is outraged by this & promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield cigs & says "you loser,go talk to mum". Off goe's the lad with the Tiger jumper stuffed up his shirt & finds mum.'mum, I wanta be a Tigers supporter & I want this jumper for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this & throws her moccasins & 1/2 full can of VB at him & says "we are gunna go talk to your father".Off they go to the prison camp during visiting hours,with footy jumper in hand & find Moose, his toothless, tattooed father. "Dad" "Yes knackers" "I've decided to be a Tigers supporter & want this Richmond jumper for Christmas"Moose goe's beserk & gives knackers a back hander & says,"No son of mine is gunna be seen wearing that crap"& then kicks his sons backside from one end of reco room to the other. 1/2 hour later they are heading back home in the old falcon when the mother turns to knackers & says,"Now, have you learnt anything today" The son says "bloody oath I have". "Good knackers, what would that be". The son replies, " I've only been a Tigers supporter for one day & already I hate you Collingwood mongrels".    Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road? Centrelink was on the other side How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter? Buy them a membership for Christmas! What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job? I'll have fries with that thanks 2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving? The Policeman What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper? Nanna You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do? Shoot the Collingwood fan – Twice You know you're a Collingwood supporter when: 1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.' 5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.' 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo. 9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .' 10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels. 11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it. 12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 13. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk. 16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 17. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.   Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships. The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our s3x life is like one premiership after another." The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98." They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing. "What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."   A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits. "How many children do you have?" the man at Centrelink asked. "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" "Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and Jaidyn," she replied. "They're all named Jaidyn?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?” "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."   Q. Did you know that the Toothbrush was invented in Collingwood? A.  if it was invented anywhere else it would be call Teethbrush