Mazer Rackham

Immediately I can spot a flaw in your plan "The head is sacrosanct." Everyone knows it. Why haven't you picked up on that?

Trying to make sense of the AFL judicial system is like getting involved in Jarndyce v Jarndyce. It will drive you broke, or mad, or both. It's no accident that the AFL bring in "Tulkinghorn" Jones when they need a decision to go their way. On Beethoven. He dedicated his 3rd symphony to Napoleon. When he heard that Napoleon had crowned himself emperor, he was so enraged he tore up the score. When I heard that Jones was chairing this tribunal hearing, I tore up the comics pages of the Herald Sun.

Of course Martin got a downgrade. Tribunal chairman David Jones first came to the attention of sporting tribunal enthusiasts with his landmark ruling that Barry Hall snotting Matt Maguire off the ball in a prelim was actually "in play". His ruling that "as a matter of law ... the incident occurred in play" for an incident that took place on a sporting field and not in a court of law gave a tantalising taste of the greatness to come. It was Jones who in the Essendon drug case managed to find that the "Essendon 14" were not guilty of taking thymosin beta 4 while simultaneously finding Steven Dank guilty of administering thymosin beta 4 to the Essendon 14. Truly a breathtaking achievement of creativity, imagination and perversity. A bold finding that lesser men would quail from. A finding that elevated his work to the realms of art and religious ecstasy. The Beethoven of sporting tribunal decisions. It was obvious in advance that finding an elbow to the back of another player's head constituted low impact was child's play for this titan of the bizarre. Of course Martin got a downgrade.

One thing about Hogan is that he has X factor and is hard to defend against. He would have made something (maybe not much, but better than nothing) out of our lousy forward entries. But that's not why he was let go.

VICTORY!!!! (or something???)

The guy we really seem to be missing is the one in the pink clothes who was always running around giving out good advice. "If you get between the ball and your opponent, defending is much easier" "Stand over there, somewhere near your opponent. It will help." "See how your opponent is always getting his hands on the ball? Now you try it." "Now try getting it to another Melbourne player. You can kick OR handpass it. Your choice! If you can get it to one who is on his own, that's even better." That guy was really good. I wonder what ever happened to him?

Don't get too solaced up. Other whispers have it that the son is every bit as bad as the father. (On the other hand, he's manifestly not as good at business, so maybe there's hope yet.)

From the opening bounce, our ferocious inside game will overwhelm them and we'll go to quarter time 6 goals to nothing. With them shell shocked and reeling and completely off their game, we will go on to win by 9 points in a close one.

Libba was publicly mocked by Demetriou when he said that. What a leader. Of course Demetriou knew, he just wanted to protect the comp from licensing & gaming laws, didn't want visits from the anti corruption police, etc. It was when he went mid-season to the Olympics and left Adrian Anderson in charge, that Anderson got the bright idea to look into Brock "bright spark" McLean's TV comments about it all. Demetriou was horrified but couldn't stop it. Best he could do was thwart any finding of "tanking", which is how we got found guilty of "not tanking". What supreme irony that Boy Scout Anderson was the only one in AFL house with any integrity, and because of that, we were the only ones pinged for not tanking! Thanks AFL! It's ancient history now but like a blood feud, is not forgotten.

I was walking past AAMI stadium tonight and, passing by an open door, I heard raised voices inside. I shouldn't eavesdrop but I couldn't help it. I overheard what seemed to be a crisis meeting in progress. It went something like .... this .... Goodwin: He shoots for three and breaks his knee Misson: His quad has got a tear McCartney: He waltzes to the 50 arc Plapp: And trips when in the square Misson: And underneath his lettuce He has chips and gravy there McCartney: I even heard him singing in the dunny Rawlings: He's always late for training But his X factor is real Chaplin: He's always late for everything Misson: Except for every meal Goodwin: I hate to have to say it But I very firmly feel ALL: Petracca's not an asset to MFC Pert: I'd like to say a word on his behalf Goodwin: Then say it, chief executive officer Pert: Petracca ... makes me ... laugh (all laugh) ALL: How do you solve a problem like Petracca? How do you make him play like Bont or Betts? How do you find a word that means Petracca? A lair! A star! A flop! A clown! A jet. Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him Many a time you wish he'd be intense But how do you make him play In front of the goals all day How do you get him fooling the defence? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Petracca? Why does he keep us all in such suspense?

Dean Kent criticised the person who tossed the coin

Tracc had a mare. That's how big his hips are.

Eddie got his success because he had a great feeling for the media, like a sixth sense, which has long died into cinders. But above that, he's got a thin skin. Always quick to stick the boot in but extremely sensitive when the boot is on the other foot. Watch how long before he turns this into "I'm the victim here".

I think the comparisons are fair because, body type aside, De Goey is an explosive goal scorer with X factor oozing out of every pore. Petracca has X factor oozing out of every pore yet only ever threatens to explode or score heavily. Our club has enough experience with this kind of almost-but-not-quite promise to know when to draw the line and cut our losses. It's this year or bust for the Tracc.

It's in the job description. Our spies got a quick look at the application form before it got taken down. ... must be partially blind ... must exhibit questionable judgement ... must have short term memory loss ... long term memory loss an advantage ... blatant inconsistency a must ... the successful applicant will be required to undertake random drug and alcohol ingestion ... the AFL will defer to all of the successful applicant's conclusions ... applicants are to take note that the strangest conclusions will be most favorably received ... remuneration $10,000 per calendar month ... the AFL will accept part payment in instances of financial hardship; note all shortfall amounts are subject to interest rate 19% per annum ... no experience necessary ...

Hogan himself. As part of the trade, we get 50% of his goals this year, 25% next year and 10% in the third year.

Oh damn. Is this really happening? A storied club, a team fancied (by the most astute of experts) to challenge for the flag ... falling in a heap and scoring just over a goal a quarter ... And now they'll be bottom of the ladder and wondering if they just saw a sneak preview of their whole season. Disappointing. Really, really disappointing.

If we're going to have a wake up call I would prefer it to be like yesterday where every shortcoming was on offer like a glass slipper on a velvet cushion. Rather than scraping in a comeback win yesterday, hypothetically going down by 3 pts to Geelong and blaming it on home ground advantage, ... and limping to the 6th round at 2-4 and saying we're just unlucky/the umps hate us/or some such malarkey ... while our rivals power on ... No hiding now! Now we can get to tackle it all head on with only one round gone. Second to the ball, fumbly when we did get it -- football crimes. But the slackness in giving them so much space to work in ... we saw that at times last year. We fixed it then and can fix it now. Mostly it's (as ever) all between the ears -- for the players AND the coaching staff.

Hmmm .. maybe we can find some middle ground that will please everyone. Such as ... Weideman is no good and nor are our midfielders.

When the Evil Place has finally destroyed society, you will be begging us for scraps of tinfoil for food, warmth and shelter. (PS: thanks for posting links that help us avoid the Evil Place)

Dear Demonland, Can you please post the link to the destination article (presumably somewhere on the AFL web site) so we don't have to go to the Evil Place? Thank you in advance, -Posters who don't want to go to the Evil Place

(This on topic rant brought to you by Iron Man haemorrhoid cream as used by Max Gawn at the Marvel Football Club.) I went to an ice hockey game is the US some years ago. If you've never been, you cannot imagine the amount of hoopla --- noise, rock music, flying blimps, flashing lights, mexican waves, etc. It's so full on the game is almost incidental to the "experience". We got into the theme of things and were cheering, yelling, whooping at all the designated moments. Cheering at kiss cam,throwing frisbees, etc. It was fun. After ages of this -- by the way, a hockey game was also going on -- we got tired of it and had had our fill. But there was another two thirds of the game to go! Jesus it got tedious. I remember thinking, ice hockey purists must f***ing hate this. It's literally at the point where the hockey takes place to fill in the gaps between the "entertainment", rather than the other way around. Heaven forbid there be even a single second without noise, coloured lights or some other distraction. (There would probably be a riot except the audience doesn't have the attention span and would abandon it after 20 seconds.) What must someone from Norway or Sweden, an ice hockey enthusiast think? You can't simply enjoy the game of ice hockey. There is no time for reflection ... can't discuss the on-going game ... you literally can't hear yourself think. Because we adopt everything American, no matter how good, bad, crass or stupid, we can look forward to more of this stuff infecting our game. We already have turkeys dressed in big fluffy costumes. "Ground announcers" to tell us the score that we can see for ourselves. Loud music to deafen us and blot out any personal reflections we may have about the game going on before us. Our collective attention span gets less and less. Is the game not inherently entertaining? Huge crowds says it's entertaining by itself. And I understand that we can't stand still, otherwise one day we'll be reminiscing about the game of Aussie Rules we used to have, now mysteriously gone to its grave. Who wants to go back to a time without giant TV scoreboards, for instance? But letting the marketers dictate is wrong and corrosive. They are attracted to us because of our drawing power, hence, exposure. We are of course attracted to their money. It's a marriage. Why are we now dancing to their tune? It's 180 backwards to be shilling their product for them. Of course marketers think it's fantastic. Concreting over public parks is good idea, says man who sells concrete. Our biggest problem is that Gil is in spirit more of a marketer than a sports administrator.

"We haven't got the plebs EXACTLY where we want them ......... yet"

He's right. Soon we'll be seeing clubs with jumpers advertising horse racing odds -- live!! Bugger the opera house -- it will be on players jumpers giving live odds for every meet around Australia. And don't forget the upcoming episodes of The Bachelor, MKR and Married at First Sight. Who hates who? Who will betray who? (Refer backs/mids/forwards jumpers for sneak previews.) This week's Aldi specials on the front of jumpers. Sneakers, cutting boards, garden hoses and type pumps and much much more ... refer front of players jumpers for pricing and availability. The battle of the Titans! Not Geel/Haw. Not Coll/Ess. No, Coles and Woolies! This week the Coles Geelong Cats (representing Kleenex toilet paper) will battle the Woolies Hawthorn Hawks (representing Heinz baked beans) for the SAVINGS OF THE WEEK trophy. Gasp and cheer at the incredible -- no, absolutely mad! -- savings to be had as these two giants fight for supremacy. (And there's a football game on too, in between ads.) Supporters of the winning side can claim a cent per litre discount on their petrol on the way home! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The usual deal with sponsorships is, clubs want money. Business X wants exposure. They woo each other and climb into bed. Happy marriage. And why sponsor Collingwood and not Burwood East Rovers? Obviously not for love of the game. Collingwood gets greater exposure, meaning (ideally) more sales. The brand power of Collingwood is so attractive that nothing more than sticking the logo on the jumper is required. But now it seems, clubs are expected to also do the shilling for the corporate monsters. In the AFLW, Collingwood and the Dogs were told to wear Captain Marvel jumpers. Because Marvel think the players are superheroes? That was the corporate line. Of course it had nothing to do with an upcoming movie called ... let me think ... oh yes, Captain Marvel. There was an outcry. The jumpers, thankfully, were relegated to training duties only. But Marvel seem to fully expect that we will actively go out and [censored] their product for them. And the AFL are clearly on board! So the Dogs are corralled into wearing a new jumper because it looks so awesome billboard for a movie which is probably the next one off the superhero production line. (After each goal, a live mic will broadcast the scoring player quoting mighty Thor's catch phrase: "Up and at 'em Valhalla! and don't forget, chips and hotdogs are 50c off during the Hulk Smash third quarter!") Are other corporates going to watch on and say, harumph, spirit of the game, purity of the game, it's not cricket. Like hell. If we don't cry out now, we can look forward to our players being full on employees of Marvel and other caring sharing giants who care nothing for the game and everything about their gold even if it means killing the goose.

And Watts would inhale icing sugar off May's norks. Good times. But we're talking about on the field.