Mazer Rackham

SIGN ME UP Can we revoke his citizenship?

Have three more and it won't matter either way

So is the umps rule of the week that games go for only one quarter? Could work in our favour for once

Dose with whisky

Psychic line. Some days are tricky. Some days are great. So what kind of day is today going to be? It falls into a completely different category. It holds the potential to be a day that you won't forget. Take advantage of the cosmic potential for transformation

Let's face it, we're too good for these spuds

SIREN!!!!!!!

Clean disposal, negotiates traffic well, sure hands, a true boot and makes his teammates walk taller. I'd say yes.

Mate, I'm still burning about Moloney getting two weeks for not striking someone. If you're waiting for consistency from the people who pick and choose each week which rules will be enforced and which ones will be overlooked, you'll be an old old old man. Science may keep you alive long enough to see that day. But we're more likely to win a flag first.

He's lying!

Or, perhaps, classic media smelling a soft target and piling on in hope of blood spilling? If that's all it is, as soon as we have fixed those few things, we'll be flying again.

"We had two really great experiences and one poor one" (So, on average, three good experiences.) ♪ We beat Cats We beat Hawks But there ain't no way we're ever gonna win flags Now don't be sad Coz two of of three ain't bad ♫

... and our match committee watches it and murmurs "how do they DO that? Why can't we do that?" And then ... "how do we STOP them?" The answer comes back: contest HARDER! Be MORE frantic! It's the rule-of-thumb definition of insanity. Our physio and support team will have to be replaced with nice men and women with lab coats and clipboards who stroke their chins and say "hmm" a lot.

So in summary: GCS, Bris and Freo have sailed past us. We have played Ess into form (our gift to Gil). Saints have overtaken us. Even the "mighty" Blues have registered their highest score in 35 years and now live in hope rather than blind faith. Meanwhile we concede 8 goals in a row (again), appear to have encountered this indigenous game for the first time this season, and slumber at the bottom of the ladder. Our players struggle with the strange oval ball, our coaches can't organise a "(underground tree branch)" in a "(house of ill repute)" and there is no hope in sight. I've heard it's possible to live on Mars. Anyone know anything about that? Could be worth looking into.

33 words too many (the first 33)

Champion Data says yes

Don't you want to see Carlton and Freo duking it out at the G? Do you even like Aussie rules???????

Wuh? Haven't you twigged yet? We're all living in a lifelong Greek tragedy. In the end we all die with no premiership. We're trapped with no escape. But please, enjoy the experience.

Ray is that teacher you had at school who seemed to hate kids and thought up things to do to the class "for your own good".

Worst umpiring in memory this year. Saints throwing like it's rugby, both teams chipping 5m kicks which were all paid, "protected" zone no such thing ... it's like they've just decided that some rules are bull**** and aren't worth enforcing. Ray and Nicholls seem to have trouble working out exactly what they are on the field for.

Sound advice. I'm going to follow this club from now on. It looks less painful.

Why can't we execute basic skills: handpass to your team mate's chest, not his feet. (To advantage seems to be asking far too much.) Kick to his head or chest, not to the opponent 5m in front or behind him. Kick between the two big sticks, not somewhere vaguely near them (try to land the ball in the crowd at least). Why is our game plan so easily picked apart by every team without exception? Why can't we react? We're like the comedy straight man who get squirted in the face by the plastic flower every time. Why can't we steal a march on a club and surprise them? Why are we always the team to be caught out by oppo strategy?

We have a fierce attack on the footy too. Trouble is, we're like that cartoon dog who gets into a scrap, huge clouds of dust billow up, and when the dust has cleared he's left there chewing his own foot.

We still have a rabid and frantic attack on the ball. So there's that. But where we once were, and still should be, like a stampede of wildebeest heading toward a worried family of warthogs, these days our frantic efforts more resemble the warthogs. Every week we pretty much know what the oppo are going to do. And every week we are unable to counter it. Sometimes they spring a coaching surprise on us. And we fall for it, every single time ,and are rendered helpless by it. When was the last time we sprung a surprise on anyone? Maybe the selection of Preuss, but every other coach knew it was coming sometime. Before that? Our disposal by hand and foot is shocking. Our inability to get clean mitts on the pill is disgraceful. I don't buy that the game has dramatically changed this year. St Kilda beat us with simple and basic Aussie rules football, executed moderately well. Something we are incapable of. Our talent levels has not decreased. We do have fitness issues. But the glaring standout issue is our inabillity to execute basic football skills. Over to you, coaching panel.

The Spruce Preuss!