Mazer Rackham

Don't worry, by the time it's over, the media will know it to be Ed's idea, Ed's initiative, all the work behind it done by Ed & CFC, and Ed the biggest champion of MND in Oz. And Ed graciously allowed us to tag along on Ed's Neale's big day.

"I, Eddie McGuire, the Collingwood Football Club (the two things being the one indivisible entity), actual controller of all things AFL, hereby grant the hapless MFC the gift of CFC playing one more game at the G, of the CFC not having to travel, and of the CFC reaping the $$$ from its social club in the Ponsford stand. You may now rise." I'm okay with sharing it. But it's not Eddie's to give or take away.

I'm not saying they need to have the boots sunk in at every opportunity. I'm saying in what universe do they of all clubs deserve such a reward over a club like the Dogs, who recently won a flag, and went through a stretch of something like 5 years without a Friday night game?

And if they hadn't recruited well, it would be because they had such excellent facilities. And if it weren't the facilities, it would be that they're good with kids and pets. They're going to get the good slots because they bring in the $$$ and Gil's bonus clauses kick in. It's called a "fix"-ture and not a draw for a reason.

I had a dream that EFC were large scale drug cheats, to a degree unprecedented in world sport, treating their players like guinea pigs and bringing shame on their club and the entire competition. I know it's a dream as a scant few years later, the body whose comp they tried to subvert and compromise has actually rewarded them with another marquee game to add to their ANZAC and Dreamtime games. In a fair competition, clubs like NMFC, WBFC, STKFC would be allowed proper opportunities to grow such games, instead of having them ripped off them, but I reckon I'm dreaming about that too.

Dockers fans in a panic as he was seen smiling

High maintenance girlfriend. Tall, beautiful, built, the envy of every other guy. But eventually you have to cut yourself loose. For your own good.

Jesse’s best friend is a My Little Pony he carries everywhere. He talks to it and has whispered giggly conversations with it. That’s why he was seen as aloof. It attended all team meetings and had to be addressed as Your Royal Horseness. Players, coaches, trainers, all had to salute His Royal Horseness or Jesse would go home. Jesse would consult it before every training session to see if it was in the mood for him to participate. If His Royal Horseness refused permission, Jesse would not train. If the toy ever went missing, Jesse would throw hysterical tantrums and occasionally doctors had to be called. Finally Mahoney had had enough and brought in a horse from a Barbie set and used it to intimidate His Royal Horseness. Unfortunately he went too far and Jesse’s toy ordered Jesse to look elsewhere. Jesse felt he had no choice but to comply. Sounds like a nightmare.

I remember the day the omelettes were good in Dubai. You were there too? Small world. I didn't see Leoncelli but I did ask some bloke if there was any bacon going. He muttered something in Arabic and wandered off. Ah, the memories.

Funny, that's not how he remembers it!

"I signed on coz Mr Lyon said I won't have to run too hard, and I can have lots of days off to surf, I won't have to give up the cancer sticks, and I can finish training whenever I want. And he won't yell at me. Isn't that right, Mr Lyon?" "That's right, Jesse ... heh heh heh ... that's right, son."

From the way he's standing, it looks like his foot is buggered. And there's a haunted look in his eyes, like a bloke seriously troubled by something. Dodged a bullet

Perth FC? He'd be better off at West Perth, at least he'd know the song

By my calculations, we are now on page 475

Our hidden mics captured the farewell address. Transcription follows: "Oh well, um, look, alright, ummmmmm ….. is this thing on? Um, well boys, I, um ... I s’pose you’re all wond’rin’ why I’m … AW SHUDDUP MAX. Look, um …. Oh, I dunno. Me hands are shakin’. Anyone got a light? Look, this is some f**kin’ bullsh*t. ….. Why are yez all starin’ at me? You blokes knew I was goin’ off back West, right? No? What? Oh, nah, yeah, nah, I was always goin’—aw, f**k you Clarry! Who gives a f**k? The f**k? You f**kin [censored]. Nah, f**k you. I was gunna say, I love yez all, but if yez are gunna--- nah, f**k you. F**k the lot of yez. Nah, f**k off. No, YOU f**k off. Just f**k off. Ah, f**k this. "

Edit it to include something about biscuits and it will be gone in a flash

All fair enough, but selling a player is not like selling a lounge suite on gumtree. It's not an open market. There are limited buyers, and the way the industry works, often the buyer knows your weak points before talks even start. Jesse spilled the beans to Freo that he wasn't going to sign with us. We didn't have much leverage. We got what we could and move on. For those who say, we should have waited a year and hoped for a bidding war between FFC and WCE. (And got May for cheap.) Try telling the competitive beasts on our list that we're sitting on our hands for a year and then hope the stars align. The time to move is now, we did, and we got something significant back. There's only one direction, and that's forward. GO DEMONS!

He's the kind of bloke who would do his ankle in the prelim and watch on while his teammates did it. Every "milestone" win we've had, starting from Kardinia Park in '16, he's missed out on

I think this is it. A committed Jesse would have been dynamite -- he's a hell of a player -- but he always gave off the vibe he was most content being a big fish in a small pond. At Freo they will indulge him and he'll earn himself a comfortable living, and good luck to him. Will get a WA derby each year to give him a taste of the big time. Over here, Goodwin is making a team that takes no prisoners. Anyone even half resembling a passenger will find it hard to look his teammates in the eye.

Who doesn't, but there are special websites for that

The way people are talking about "bent over", it must be some kind of biscuit I've not heard of

Late plot twist, we got him back again with pick 28

Oh christ. Better hope the mods don't see that. Keep airwaves free of frivolity and irrelevance in light of imminent Hogan announcements. All posts restricted to 200 characters

Harsh. This is a game of poker where Hogan has told Bell what cards Mahoney is holding. It's a lot easier to play hardball when you already know the guy isn't going to renew and you don't have to pay extra to lure him out.