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Deciphering the AFL Draft

Whispering_Jack

By Whispering_Jack
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Inside midfielder: Slow, with a head like a block of concrete. Keeps sticking it at the bottom of packs to win the footy. Every team needs one.

Outside midfielder: Quick, because he’s terrified. Sleeps with a night light. Can hit targets.

Classy midfielder: Went to a private school.

Prototype player: Could be a once-in-a-generation player. Dear God, don’t let Melbourne draft him.

Luke Ball type: Kicks both feet, neither more than 30 metres.

Big bodied midfielder: Was a full forward until he was 15, then he stopped growing. Now we hope he can run.

Next pick after Richmond: Probably the greatest player of his era.

Potential leader: Massive ego.

Great football brain: Slow, but knows where to jog to and how to open up a game with accurate passes.

Ready to play next year: Drafted by GWS or Melbourne.

Like a young Joel Selwood: Never seen a kid get so many free kicks. It’s like he has pictures of the umpires with goats or something.

Project player: Look, we drafted him because he’s tall. So uncoordinated, he can’t even ride a bike.

Late developing: Weighs 30kg dripping wet. We’re going to feed him Hungry Jacks for three years and see where we get.

Hands like Diesel Williams: Kicks like James Manson.

Came to football late: If he makes it, Bruce McAvaney will bang on about his soccer / basketball / lacrosse / rugby / fencing past until you want to stick a fork in your eye.

Raw: All knees and elbows, this year in a TAC Cup game, he kicked a beautiful running goal, but to the wrong end.

Unfashionable: Fat, but very good player. Probably smokes.

Is over 20: This is such a terrible draft, now we’e going through our back books.

Massive tank: Can’t kick. Or find the football. Or tackle. Or follow team rules. But he runs like Forrest Gump.

Athlete: As above, but better looking.

Needs to build endurance: And stop getting on the gas with his mates every Friday night.

Power forward: His parents took out a second mortgage just to feed him. Aptitude testing is unclear on whether he is smarter than a labrador or not.

Makes a contest: Can’t take a contested mark.

Keeps on presenting: Can’t take an uncontested mark.

Plays tall: Is short.

Rarely beaten in a contest: Good at hiding free kicks.

Can go forward or back: We’ve tried both. Neither is flash.

Mobile utility: As above, but on flanks.

Draft bolter: Hidden by one of the clubs in schoolboy football. Will be a champion.

Second chance: Can he stop turning up to training drunk this time?

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