On his death bed...Oscar Wilde. "the wallpaper in here is horrid. One of us has to go"...

I don't give a rats tossbag.............

"You've got to ask yourself one question, do I feel lucky? Well do ya? Punk!

Dirty Harry

Spike Milligans's epitaph written in Irish "Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite." English translation:- "I told you I was ill"

Another Spike Milligan description in reference to, I believe, the town of Woy Woy (his parents' home) as:

"the world's only above-ground cemetery"

I prefer to use it as a reference to Canberra where I did for a short time, work as a gardener in the Woden Cemetery.

"Fanny is very in touch with the spirit world, I highly recommend her. You might say that she’s an above-average medium!"

"That bloody kid, wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deckchairs! "

"Well, I didn't expect the earth to move, but I at least expected you to!"

From the movie Hercules Returns. One of the all time great comedies.

I dont care who you are fatso, get those f'n reindeer off my roof.

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."

"You've come over at a very appropriate time; Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end."

Classics from legendary BBC commentator, Brian Johnston.

particularly nasty weather!

"yeah it's a **** of a day"

I'm Brian and so is my wife life of brian. It's only a flesh wound holy grail

particularly nasty weather!

"Yeah it's a **** of a day"

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."

"You've come over at a very appropriate time; Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end."

Super effort that.

Open the pod bay door Hal !

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- Steven Wright

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Bill Hicks

Just having a look around.

"An employee of an insurance company has made his way out on the roof of his office block in the centre of town and is threatening to jump, unless his demands for a fuller and more meaningful life are met."

People Like Us.

"Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not by the threat of force!"

- Barbie, Toy Story 3

"There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later, the other robot leaves after being declared the winner. Oh, did I mention the crippling pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely."

- Professer Farnsworth, on Ultimate Robot Boxing (Futurama)

Don't you hate pants !! - Homer Simpson

"They say that travel broadens the mind, till you can't get your head out of doors" - Elvis Costello (God's Comic)

and a few from Tom Waits - who seems to have a bottomless well of one liners:

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"I knew him when he was nothing and he hasn't changed a bit"

"I'm so goddamn horny the crack of dawn better watch itself around me."

"Coleen's belly was shakin' like jelly And I'm gettin' harder than Chinese algebra."

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away"

"There ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk"

Go here for a more complete list:

http://www.intercom.net/local/shore_journal/yas11015.html

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. - Unknown

"He's been up his mum and his legless sister and he thinks he's killed his old man!"

- Jock in The Club

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Bill Hicks

Ha. Beat me to the punch.

“If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.”

“Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.”

“It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”

- Muhammad Ali

"You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels"

- Ernie McCracken