HAMISH AND HAPPINESS by Bananabender

Moose and I had all the good intentions in the world when we embarked on Thursday monrning on what was to be a leisurely 24 plus hours 1,670 kilometre drive north to watch the Demons take on the Lions at Cazaly Stadium, Cairns on the following evening.

But we never made it.

The reasons for missing our first Melbourne game in tropical far north Queensland were many. Initially, engine trouble with the ute set us back by several hours. During the time the garage was attending to the repairs, Moose got stuck into our supply of frothies and promptly ruled himself out of any possible role as co-driver for the trip. Then the warnings about a looming tropical cyclone were enough to force us to turn back home.

We've experienced tropical cyclones before. Driving rain and roaring winds are not a pleasant mix and you don't want to get slapped in the face by a sheet of flying corrugated iron (or even a cane toad for that matter). The decision not to push on was made a lot easier with the knowledge that we still have the opportunity to watch the Dees play this year in what will be a fair dinkum game for premiership points against St. Kilda in a couple of months time at a venue much closer to home - Carara on the Gold Coast so we ended up back in the flat in suburban Brisbane with two days supply of XXXX watching Phil Hughes and Simon Katich flaying the Protea bowling attack on a flat deck in Durban. And they were carrying out the demolition with more speed and more efficiency than what we were doing with the tinnies!

The problem was the promise made to Demonland of a match report on a game that we never came within 1,500 k's of watching!

We decided to fulfill our obligation by improvising i.e commenting on reports from the media and the internet and providing a story from the viewpoint of long-suffering footy starved fans who at least reside in the same state where the game was played.

The problem was that the first media stories about the game were so Brisbane-centric that it wasn't funny. The Courier Mail (and the Herald Sun) ran a report by Robert Craddock - JARED BRENNAN INJURED IN PRACTICE MATCH.

Bloody hell, I thought Craddock did cricket and judging by this shite he probably should have been at Durban (Moose wanted me to say Lahore or La Whore but please excuse him – he was totally shickered by this stage). Fair dinkum, we double the home team's score (well ... they were a little bit closer to home than we were) and all he can write about is Jared Brennan's injury (a quad strain), Michael Voss' lamentation that his side had played "poorly" and without "intensity" and gave away too many "free kicks" (a time honoured default excuse for losing a game), how young Lions Rich and Redden played well in the conditions and that one J. Brown got through half a game unscathed.

Oh, and yes. The other team that took part was Melbourne.

You call that a match report Craddock?

The AFL's own site was no better and it should therefore not come as a surprise that the website editors decided to retain the author's anonymity - VOSS NOT WORRIED BY HEAVY LOSS TO DEMONS.

This report tells us that Voss isn't panicking about his team's loss (as you wouldn't when you get flogged by the raging favourites for the wooden spoon), that he saw no discernible "gaping holes" in his team's makeup and that the game was played in horrible conditions on account of Tropical Cyclone Hamish (named after the bloke from Melbourne who's supposed to be promoting the Demons?).

Incidentally, to round off his/her/its report, the unnamed journo let slip the fact that Dean Bailey was happy with the performance.

I won't even bother commenting on the effort of Cairns Post reporter Andrew Piva - DEMONS SWOOP ON LIONS LAPSES other than to ask whether the winning side is ever going to get any credit for beating their opposition on the night and noting Moose's astute comment that the word "piva" apparently means "beer" in Polish. (although Moose is of Polish extraction, he could be wrong because he was heavily on the piss beer piva at the time he made the comment).

So my last refuge was the message boards on the Demon supporter sites and, thanks to the hardy efforts of "Junior" who is apparently the offspring of correspondent "faultydet" and who was one of 4,000 spectators who got a thorough drenching at Cazaly Stadium, I can impart some information about the game. Thanks guys.

The conditions were wet and windy ( no surprises there). At times visibility was down to almost zero as the rain sheeted down and Brisbane had first use of the wind. However, Melbourne kicked the first goal through Ricky Petterd before the Lions struck back to take a two point lead into the first break. Nathan Jones and Shane Valenti were prominent early and Jared Rivers was doing some nice things in his comeback game. Jonathan Brown was being well held by the Demon defence.

The Demons struck early in the second term and were never headed from that point onwards. Cameron Bruce was probably the most experienced player in the team in the absence of skipper James McDonald, Matthew Whelan, Brad Green and Paul Wheatley and he starred. The goals were being evenly spread around, the coaches were pleased with the intensity and defensive efforts of the forwards and, after Michael Newton kicked the team's sixth goal, the team was able to take a 22 point lead into the main break.

The only clouds on the horizon at this stage were ... well, the clouds on the horizon and an ankle injury to ruckman/forward Paul Johnson but he must have made a quick recovery because he took the ground again later in the game.

Brisbane was expected to hit back hard after half time but the young Demons were ready for them and, not only matched them goal for goal but also managed to increase the lead with two late quarter goals from Michael Newton. The coaches took time to admonish young 19 year old rookie ruckman Jake Spencer for a couple of unsatisfactory efforts and this should hold him in good stead in the future. He certainly lifted his game in the final quarter so he's learning quickly.

With conditions deteriorating, the Demons were not going to allow a lead of in excess of five goals slip for the second time in a fortnight and they maintained their tight grip in the ensuing slog, keeping the Lions goalless for another quarter and (I don't believe I'm writing this) winning comfortaby by 37 points in a low scoring encounter. Brock McLean was dominant in the middle which is exactly what you would expect of him in those conditions. The return to full fitness of McLean and Rivers will have wide-reaching effects on their team's performance in 2009 and beyond. Let's hope they stay fit from now on!

That's about all there is to report except that Moose and I are happy that the Melbourne injury column from the game was blank, Dean Bailey was happy after the game but thinks there's room for improvement ... oh, and yes. The other team that participated was called Brisbane Lions and their coach, um ... er ... Michael Voss wasn't much concerned that his team suffered a heavy loss.

MELBOURNE 2.1.13 6.3.39 10.3.63 11.7.73

BRISBANE LIONS 2.3.15 2.5.17 4.7.31 4.12.36

Goals

MELBOURNE Newton 3 Dunn Petterd 2 Bruce Jetta Jones Moloney

BRISBANE LIONS Brown Clark Dalziell Hooper

BEST

MELBOURNE Newton Warnock Dunn

BRISBANE LIONS Johnstone Adcock Dalziell

Injuries

MELBOURNE Nil

BRISBANE LIONS J Brennan (quad)

Umpires H Kennedy J Mollison B Ryan

Crowd Approximately 4,000 at Cazaly Stadium Cairns

That's the most fun I've had reading a match report in ages.

Great report and thanks to Junior and Faulty Det

That's the most fun I've had reading a match report in ages.

Agree- good reading, and good to get a win!

HAMISH AND HAPPINESS by Bananabender ...

I won't even bother commenting on the effort of Cairns Post reporter Andrew Piva - DEMONS SWOOP ON LIONS LAPSES other than to ask whether the winning side is ever going to get any credit for beating their opposition on the night and noting Moose's astute comment that the word "piva" apparently means "beer" in Polish. (although Moose is of Polish extraction, he could be wrong because he was heavily on the piss beer piva at the time he made the comment) ...

Close Bananabender but according to the wife who should know, the word is "piwo" (pronounced pivo).

Your first choice description pretty well sums up the garbage that constitutes the media reports of the game but it also demonstrates how much respect we as a club have lost over the past two seasons. We need a few more performances like last night in proper matches and against good opposition to win back that respect.

NNNNNNNEEEEEEEWWWWWWWTTTTTTOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Defied his own law of suckiness!

Were there any torn jumpers?

I am surprised but yet not, that our win isnt even posted on the club's website.

Surely we could get something up for a win... a loss well not so much but a win in terrible conditions has to be a great morale booster for everyone.

Bit disappointing.

Great read.

How did Newton kick 3 goals in a cyclone, but can't get a possession in the dry?

I am surprised but yet not, that our win isnt even posted on the club's website.

Surely we could get something up for a win... a loss well not so much but a win in terrible conditions has to be a great morale booster for everyone.

Bit disappointing.

I`m wrapt with the win and not concerned at all with the lack of fanfare in the media. No doubt the club will have something on the website this weekend but I am happy with the low profile as it is a practice match afterall. For the ones that matter, ie, the players, coaches , club and fans I think we are all feeln very positive about an exciting year ahead, without a huge amount of expectation, but we are going to see a marked improvement this year. Stuff the media & everyone else!

Great read.

How did Newton kick 3 goals in a cyclone, but can't get a possession in the dry?

Maybe Newton thrives without having Brad Miller hogging the forwardline.

I`m wrapt with the win and not concerned at all with the lack of fanfare in the media. No doubt the club will have something on the website this weekend but I am happy with the low profile as it is a practice match afterall. For the ones that matter, ie, the players, coaches , club and fans I think we are all feeln very positive about an exciting year ahead, without a huge amount of expectation, but we are going to see a marked improvement this year. Stuff the media & everyone else!

I agree with those sentiments about stuffing the media but the Hun took the cake today with Collingwood. Apart from assigning them a front page photo of Travis Cloke, the front cover of the sport lift out section and two articles on their NAB Cup match v Essendon, their VFL side's hit-out also got an article and colored pic of Paul Medhurst. That article was four times the size of the measly few paragraphs allocated to the Brisbane Lions game which mentions Melbourne as an aside.

Full credit to the Pies for making the NAB Grand Final but who have they beaten to get there?

West Coast who finished 15th last year, Richmond (9th) and Essendon (12th). By contrast if Carlton make it to the NAB grannie they will have beaten both of last year's grand finallists plus North Melbourne which also played in the finals. We had to play the Hawks first up just to progress and had the Cats in our half of the draw.

The rich get richer and the AFL helps them on their way.

Demonland you have missed your calling surely!! That was great reading.

Just think what it is going to be like if the Maggies win the NAB. They will all be out buying their GF tickets.

Great read.

How did Newton kick 3 goals in a cyclone, but can't get a possession in the dry?

Brisbane have the worst back half in the comp. This must be the first away win we've had in a long time, usually we'd have to pencil in a 10 goal loss when we go interstate.

I agree with those sentiments about stuffing the media but the Hun took the cake today with Collingwood. Apart from assigning them a front page photo of Travis Cloke, the front cover of the sport lift out section and two articles on their NAB Cup match v Essendon, their VFL side's hit-out also got an article and colored pic of Paul Medhurst. That article was four times the size of the measly few paragraphs allocated to the Brisbane Lions game which mentions Melbourne as an aside.

Full credit to the Pies for making the NAB Grand Final but who have they beaten to get there?

West Coast who finished 15th last year, Richmond (9th) and Essendon (12th). By contrast if Carlton make it to the NAB grannie they will have beaten both of last year's grand finallists plus North Melbourne which also played in the finals. We had to play the Hawks first up just to progress and had the Cats in our half of the draw.

The rich get richer and the AFL helps them on their way.

Hmm. I agree with the whole Collingwood media saturation stuff. But Essendon v Collingwood is always going to take precedence over a practice match between Brisbane and Melbourne.

As for the draw, you're right, they've had it easy. But who cares? We should have beaten Hawthorn.

Brisbane have the worst back half in the comp. This must be the first away win we've had in a long time, usually we'd have to pencil in a 10 goal loss when we go interstate.

Good point: the last time we won an interstate match was Round 14, 2006, when we beat Brisbane at the Gabba by 8 points (that doesn't include the 2007 NAB Cup/Challenge).

Brisbane's back half isn't that bad. I'd say West Coast's is worse. Fremantle's too.

Friday night's game was an experience. It's quite different to games played down south and with the large squad named it was sometimes a bit hard to keep up with some of the movements.

I think that tactically we were well ahead on the night and perhaps Vossy might rue not having an apprenticeship as an assistant coach before taking on the big job. Still, it should be a far more simple game in wet conditions where zoning becomes more difficult to execute.

While there was a lot of rain about Cairns for most of the day and it was very windy, things weren't that bad until the latter stages when the torrential rain came down in buckets. By that time the Dees were well in front and I think the winning margin would have been greater because we would have been kicking towards what should have been the scoring end but for the fact that the heavy rain curtailed scoring a fair bit.

The conditions were made for defences and the Demons threw everything they had at Brown. One of the major differences between this year and last is the strength and aggression of the defensive unit as a whole and this will only get better with the return of Whelan and the inclusion of Garland and Grimes who were rested this week. In any event, the defence was our strenght and, as you can imagine with only four goals kicked against it, they were on top all night. Warnock completely blanketed Brown, Buckley was a surprise opponent for Bradshaw and Martin took on Clark. Rivers played most of the first half and did everything you would expect of him. Frawley was impressive but Cheney was a bit loose at times.

Brucey was easily best on and he was strongly supported by McLean, Moloney, Jones and Valenti. The conditions really suited these players and they, in turn played the conditions much better than the Lions who fiddled around a fair bit. Sylvia played on a flank and was good in flashes.

The forward line was reasonable with a number of contributors and Newton coming to the fore and kicking a few goals in difficult conditions for forwards. Neville Jetta certainly generated some excitement when he was on the ground.

Spencer's ruckwork and overall aggression was excellent from my viewpoint but he needs to improve his around the ground play. He's a real work in progress and when the rough edges are smoothed out the Demons will have a top notch ruckman on their hands. Paul Johnson went ok until injured (he did return) but Meesen didn't impress me at all.

Given the policy clubs have these days of resting up players during the pre-season practice match period, the club can only improve if the injuries stay away. This game was a tough slog in the end so a few more bodies might be rested although I note that they all have a week off in a fortnight's time before the season starts.

I think Melbourne has a lot more going for it than it had when the team came up north last year and was overrun by the reigning wooden spooners in Richmond.

The Dees still have a long way to go but I can only see four or five sides ahead of a big pack and we should improve to the middle of that pack subject to a reasonable year with injury. The good thing is that Bailey has a lot of material to work with and the list isn't clogged with players whose careers are at a dead end.

Warnock completely blanketed Brown

Funny that when this happens the Herald Sun runs an article "Warnock steps up" but its not about Matthew Warnock. It's about his brother Robert although he's done abolutely nothing on any football field. The article's about how Carlton is optimistic that the injury prone ruckman (who's costing them 400k a season for four years) "could run out with the Northern Bullants in their season-opener on April 12."

That's news?

THanks Apocalypse - fabulous to hear a eye-witness report.

wow buckley on bradshaw

wow buckley on bradshaw

Sounds like an inspired move to me. Buckley is 190cm and Bradshaw 192cm so there's little difference in height. Buckley is strong and fast and those are attributes that are needed to counter Bradshaw.

Sounds like an inspired move to me. Buckley is 190cm and Bradshaw 192cm so there's little difference in height. Buckley is strong and fast and those are attributes that are needed to counter Bradshaw.

I agree.