1. Bring Back Suburban Grounds – With a Twist
 
	Every team plays one home game a year at their old suburban fortress, but to keep it “modern,” there are no corporate boxes, no fancy food options, and the only toilet is a single overflowing portaloo behind the scoreboard.
 
	2. Goal Umpires Must Wear Lab Coats and Bowler Hats Again
 
	The AFL is all about “tradition,” right? Well, nothing says authority like a bloke in a white coat pointing two fingers like he’s diagnosing you with six weeks in the reserves.
 
	3. Neil 'the Hangman' Busse’s Tuesday Night Tribunal – Live on Pay-Per-View
 
	The AFL wants more revenue streams? Easy—put Busse back in charge, bring in a wheel of punishment, and make sure every hearing is hosted by Mick Molloy and Sam Pang. Bonus points if the player has to argue his case using nothing but concocted evidence of the opposition’s player who only felt a love-tap, despite his broken jaw and two black eyes.
 
	4. Kick-to-Kick After the Game—Now With a Draft System
 
	Let’s get serious—kick-to-kick isn’t just a bit of fun. It’s a grassroots recruitment tool. Every week, some bloke in a woollen jumper and jeans belts a 50m torp and half time and gets signed by the game’s loosing side.
 
	5. Running Onto the Ground after the game to Pat Your Favourite Player on the Back—By Appointment Only
 
	In a nod to safety concerns, you can now book your moment of glory online. Simply select “Enthusiastic Shoulder Tap” or “Full Back-Slapping Experience,” and you’ll be escorted onto the field by a security guard who may or may not confiscate your can of VB.
 
	6. Footy Records Must Be A6, Black & White, and Fit in Your Levi’s Pocket
 
	None of this glossy magazine rubbish—just a tiny booklet with player lists, a barely-legible ladder, and exactly one ad for a meat pie company that went bankrupt in 1987.
 
	7. All Games Start on Saturday at 2pm—Or Else
 
	Want to play a Thursday night game? Too bad. Sunday twilight? Get stuffed. It’s 2pm Saturday or you’re deregistered as a club. And yes, the match-worn mud-stained guernseys must be left unwashed all season.
 
	8. The Glory of a 12-Team Comp—With a Special ‘You’re Not Invited’ List
 
	The league must contract back to 12 teams, but in the interest of fairness, clubs are voted off by an independent panel of old blokes at the pub. West Coast is already gone for “ruining the vibe,” and GWS will be kept only if they promise to never win anything ever with the best list in the comp.
 
	9. Club Corner Returns Every Sunday—Now Hosted by a 1970s Time Capsule
 
	Live from an RSL with a sticky carpet, Club Corner makes its triumphant return. No PR speak, no media training—just punk-drunk coaches mumbling through interviews while an old bloke yells at them to “harden up” in the background.
 
	10. Brownlow Votes Are Now Decided by the Most Biased Supporter Groups
 
	Why should umpires pick the winner? Instead, votes are awarded based on the loudest pub arguments. If you can convince the bloke next to you that a half-back flanker had “the best game ever,” he gets three votes. Whoever gets through September without being called “overrated” wins the Normie.