THE ORACLE'S FEARLESS PREDICTIONS FOR 2007

[Demonland 70,236]

by the Oracle

Throughout history the Oracle family has been famous for making predictions. By and large these predictions have been proven statistically as accurate as other competing agencies and we're immensely proud to say that on average, we're still by any measure well ahead of tarot card readers and the weather bureau.

Modernity of course, has taken a bit of the sting out of our business and unfortunately, we are no longer held in the high esteem as our most famous ancestor from the Fourteenth Century BC - the Oracle of Delphi.

You must remember that in those days there was little opposition to our trade. The Oracles of old certainly had no interference from radio waves, x rays, telephony and the latest satellite technology to play havoc with our vital tools of trade such as the ever-reliable crystal ball. And, as if those things weren't enough, the phenomenon of global warming has caused plenty of problems with Stella (that's what I call my personal crystal ball) as the snows have slowly melted away in recent years only to leave a dense smog to cloud her insides and thereby limit severely my abilities to predict events accurately.

In spite of this technical difficulty I have been able to respond to the request to come up with my fearless predictions for the 2007 AFL season and what follows is my final eight at the end of the home and away season plus other predictions. Since the warranty on my crystal ball extends for only six months, I can't quite extend the scenario through to the end of the finals series, but the good news for Demon fans is that your team will still be there at the equivalent date in September!

1. Fremantle - The Dockers are well situated to continue their rapid improvement of the second half of 2006 when they climbed up from 10th place after being pounded by successive losses to Geelong (64 points at home) and Sydney in Rounds 12 and 13 to go on and win nine in a row and finish third at the end of the home and away season. The famous premiership clock is telling us that the time is now for Chris Connolly's team as the likes of Pavlich, Hasleby and Longmuir reach their peak and Sandilands' own physical peak becomes too much for the other teams to conquer.

2. Sydney - Paul Roos is such a brilliant coach that he's even worked out his own way of defying the immutable power of the premiership clock. What he does is that every once in a while he sends out his recruiting people to buy a former St. Kilda player whose career looks a bit washed up and then he turns him into a champion again. This year the man could well be Peter Everitt who spent the latter half of 2006 clowning around and organising raffles at Hawthorn. Meanwhile, nobody ever gets injured at the Swans so they manage to get by with a squad of about 25 and, because of their favourable salary cap situation, they always seem to be there or thereabouts.

3. Melbourne - There is no logic behind my placement of the Demons as high as third other than the vision I see through Stella's smoky haze of hundreds and thousands of red ants running across my blue carpet carrying tiny sugar pieces from one place to another in a seemingly unsystematic fashion. I can only take this to mean that the new Neale Daniher philosophy of "run" and "carry" is somehow going to sink in to the players (and the fans) and that Melbourne will finally break through for a top four position in 2007.

4. West Coast Eagles - The reigning premiers are a happy group. They would have to be, given the fact that they spent the off season on the piss getting shickered to the point of being legless and armless, popping more pills than coach John Worsfold ever dispensed during his entire career as a pharmacist and fighting anybody who stumbled into their lines of sight. They drop to fourth on the ladder because, despite their obvious talent and a dominant midfield, I see some of their players spending more time in the witness box than on the training track. This of course, sets up a highly explosive derby in the first week of the finals but I have more bad news for the Eagles - they will go out in straight sets and worse still, one of those red ants I see roaming around on my blue carpet looks a bit like Chris Judd.

5. Adelaide - The Crows are aging, some of their players and wives are still feuding and Lleyton Hewitt continues to hang around the club like a bad smell (when he's he's not overseas losing to hack players ranked outside the top 50). These things plus their adverse position on the clockface spell the word "decline" but I've kept them in the top eight because of their scintillating pre-season form against a Melbourne B team in that praccie at Mt. Gambier a fortnight ago.

6. Geelong - One of the most talented lists in the competition and slotted for improvement in 2007 because my fashion consultant tells me that handbags are in this year.

7. Hawthorn - I have a soft spot for Alistair Clarkson and his assistant Todd Viney, I like Lance Franklin who was apparently once a Demon supporter and I think Jeff Kennett is sorely needed to provide some comic relief during the finals now that John Elliott is out of the picture (or perhaps his cigars are responsible for the smoky haze inside my beloved Stella). The Hawks' return to the finals scene will be symbolic only however - they won't last more than a week.

8. Port Adelaide - No, I haven't done this to set up another interstate derby or showdown or whatever they call it. I believe that the Power have enough talent to scrape into the finals and besides, I enjoy watching dickhead coaches prancing around at finals time. Sadly, Mark Williams will only be around to embarrass the State of South Australia for a very limited part of early September.

I left out the Bulldogs because, despite the return of their injured stars, I think they will lose that desperate "backs against the wall" feeling that held them together so well in times of injury crisis last year. On top of that their game plan is now well understood and surpassed by the by the better opposition clubs.

The injury hit Saints won't recover from the hiding they're about to receive in Round 1 and I hate Collingwood so I decided to ignore the Magpies altogether.

Richmond will finish ninth as usual, the Bombers will improve and so will Carlton but they will find themselves in a spot of bother when the Melbourne Magistrates Court issues an intervention order to prevent the skipper from playing at any football ground where his sister-in-law is in attendance. A four-month end of season trip for every player to Las Vegas, Baghdad and Kabul courtesy of Dick Pratt will be a great consolation prize for the boys whose new sponsor is global giant Enron Corporation.

That leaves Brisbane and the Kangaroos to enjoy the warmth and beauty of the Sunshine State as they fight it out for the honour of winning the wooden spoon.

Brownlow Medal - Travis Johnstone will finally step out of the smoke and shadows and walk away with Charlie. Watch out for his Brownlow Night antics blowing kisses into the ears of a special mystery guest.

Coleman Medal - Brendan Fevola should win this one hands down. This year's sponsor is the Irish bar Association.

Season Highlight - the number of full forwards to kick big bags of goals in the first half of the season courtesy of the new hands in the back interpretation followed by a rapid decline in that number as the rule is gradually relaxed in the second half.

Season Lowlight - the sacking of seven coaches (two of whom will have coached winning teams) after the opening round.

I'm off now to deliver Stella into the hands of the crystal ball doctor for a well overdue medical check up but I promise to return during the season, to bring more exciting AFL predictions and to uphold the centuries-old family tradition of fearlessness, accuracy and foresight.

See you in the future!