BREAKING by Whispering Jack

[Demonland 70,312]

I have been thinking a lot recently about the controversy surrounding the sport of breaking and the Aussie trailblazer Rachael 'Raygun' Gunn who became a viral sensation on social media for underachieving in that sport at the Paris Olympic Games. 

My concern is that the Melbourne Football Club is following a similar tangent of her spectacularly appalling 18-0, 18-0, 18-0 kangaroo and sprinkler Olympic routine debacles in competition against the USA, France and Lithuania respectively. That followed on from a paper which Raygun co-authored in which she argued that breaking doesn’t fit with the “idealized” Australian sporting hero who has a “large, muscular, White, cismale uniformed body.” This should worry the hell out of any thinking fan who has followed the club’s decline from its premiership flag in 2021 to 13th place at this stage of the 2024 season.

True, the Demons’ disappointing year hasn’t managed to fall to Raygun’s Paris performance level yet, but the side is accumulating similar derision from all corners of the football world with daily reports of players wanting to bail out for various reasons and apparently leaves the place in a shambolic state ahead of its penultimate encounter of the season against the Gold Coast Suns at People First Stadium on Saturday afternoon. 

The way things are going, the club could do worse than engage a professor with a PhD in cultural studies just to find the venue before the game. There have been so many name changes at the stadium in recent years that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to locate unless you have a modern up to date map of the Carrara hinterland. For those in doubt, it’s the place they called “Metricon Stadium” two years ago, “Heritage Bank Stadium” last year and now that it’s been taken over by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, “People First Stadium”. 

The problem for visitors from outside is that under the rule of supreme leader Kim Jong Un Hardwick, football clubs that come in from the outside are not permitted to win there on fear of death which explains why the Suns have been dominant at home this year. They boast a perfect 9-0 record as hosts of interstate sides which presents the flailing Demons with their first — and major — challenge. How to win where others with better credentials, less injury stress and more players on board for the long journey have tried and failed?

Well Demon fans, just as it always seems to happen in troubled times, there is a silver lining for both Raygun and the Melbourne Football Club. In her case, the social media storm has also brought about instant fame on the world stage, massive support from those affronted by the naysayers and countless future opportunities for her to make a financial fortune out of her situation. 

In Melbourne’s case, the club is adamant that it will go about business as usual to get itself off the canvas like a true cismale prize fighter (and no one is touching the Olympic boxing controversy here, thank you). For coach Simon Goodwin, there will be no giving up and no slacking off to finish low and win better draft picks and an easier fixture next year. As he said this week:

“We won’t be backing off one bit in terms of how we go about our footy."

That’s the spirit of Melbourne and the culture he’s instilled in the club. For all of the criticism the team is facing from the media and the peanut gallery, the very depleted and wounded Demons have in the past three weeks lost games to the second and third placed clubs each by the very narrow margin of two points in toss-of-the-coin contests that could have gone either way. And not long before that, they suffered another similar close defeat to the Brisbane Lions on their home territory, proving that the Sunshine State will hold no fears for this team, irrespective of what regime is in power.

Last week, these teams were on different sides of that fine line between victory and defeat. In Melbourne’s case, it was a narrow 53-51 loss to Port Adelaide, despite another standout Max Gawn performance of 22 disposals, 44 hitouts and a goal. On the other hand, the Suns won away from home for the first time since mid-2023, with their dramatic 87-86 victory over Essendon, thanks to Mac Andrew's four goals including his after-the-siren match winner. None of this would have happened but for the Bombers’ deplorable kicking for goal (one major from ten shots) in the final term. I don’t expect that sort of thing to happen for a second week in a row.

It’s true that Melbourne’s leading players are not at full fitness and the team isn’t running at full rat power. But according to Goody, the club’s leadership in Max & Jack will cross the checkpoint into People First and be out there on Saturday afternoon with their team in full readiness to take on Kim Jong Un Hardwick’s finest and they won’t be throwing in the towel the way Carlton did at Melbourne’s comic book stadium last Sunday.

And forget about the Suns’ magnificent home record this year because the Demons have an even bigger record to protect, having won the last 11 encounters between the two teams. 

Despite, the form of whiz kids in Matt Rowell and Noah Anderson, the rucking ability of Jarrod Witts and their new found forward force Mac Andrew who the Suns stole from the Demons a few years ago, the Demons should not worry. Kozzie Pickett who fortunately does not possess a “White, cismale uniformed body” loves the challenge of kicking goals and weaving his magic in far flung places of his continent. I’m also looking forward to the clash between Tom Sparrow and  David Swallow just to see how the commentators cope.

I’m tipping that the sun won’t be shining on the Suns at the end of the day. The Demons will follow the lead of their much maligned mentor Raygun and finish up break dancing over (and breaking the hearts of) their Gold Coast hosts.

Melbourne by 10 points.

THE GAME

Gold Coast Suns v Melbourne at People First Stadium Saturday 17 August, 2024 at 1.45pm

HEAD TO HEAD 

Overall - Gold Coast Suns 3 wins Melbourne 14 wins
At People First Stadium - Gold Coast Suns 1 win Melbourne 4 wins
Past five matches - Gold Coast Suns 0 wins Melbourne 5 wins
The Coaches - Hardwick 0 wins Goodwin 0 wins

THE LAST TIME THEY MET

Melbourne 13.12.90 defeated Gold Coast Suns 13.7.85 at People First Stadium, Round 8 2023

It wasn’t easy for the Demons and they were level at the final break but their strength and experience got them home despite a stellar performance from Noah Anderson. Gawn, Oliver and Viney were Melbourne’s best.

THE TEAMS 

GOLD COAST SUNS

B S. Lemmens, S. Collins, L. Weller
HB B. Uwland, C. Ballard, W. Powell 
C N. Holman, N. Anderson, S. Clohesy 
HF J. Rogers, J. Walter, B. Humphrey 
F M. Rowell, M. Andrew, B. King 
FOLL J. Witts, S. Flanders, T. Miller
I/C C. Budarick A. Davies, W. Graham, B. Long, D. Swallow
EMG D. MacPherson, N. Moyle, A. Sexton

IN T. Miller

OUT A. Sexton (omitted)

MELBOURNE 

B J. Lever, A. Tomlinson, J. McVee
HB M. Hore, T. McDonald, C. Salem
C E. Langdon, J. Viney, A. Neal-Bullen
HF J. Billings, H. Petty, K. Chandler
F K. Pickett, B. Fritsch, J. Van Rooyen
FOLL M. Gawn, T. Sparrow, T. Rivers
I/C J. Bowey, B. Howes J. Melksham, K. Tholstrup, D. Turner
EMG K. Brown, M. Jefferson, T. Woewodin

IN J. Bowey

OUT C. Oliver (hand, knee, ribs)

Injury List: Round 23

Steven May — ribs / test
Clayton Oliver — knee, ribs / season
Caleb Windsor — ankle / season
Charlie Spargo — Achilles / season
Christian Petracca — spleen / indefinite

[D4Life 2,405]

It would be fantastic if you’re correct, but I fear you and Binman are drinking from the same trough! 

No Trac, Clarry, and May leaves 3 of our best five missing! A win at People’s/Heritage/Metricon/???? Would be Marvellous!!!!!

Go Demons!

[Freddy Fuschia 730]

3 hours ago, D4Life said:

A win at People’s/Heritage/Metricon/???? Would be Marvellous!!!!!

Go Demons!

It’s our second home ground. Demon fans who don’t go to the snow in the middle of winter, come up to sunny Queensland.

A win for the Dees!

[The Ox 28]

Thanks Whisperer I needed a good laugh, good job 

[Timothy Reddan-A'Blew 4,805]

3 hours ago, The Ox said:

Thanks Whisperer I needed a good laugh, good job 

It was indeed, @Whispering_Jack!

[Demon Head 266]

Bravo on a tongue in cheek preview.

After this week’s drama, it was much needed.

Everyone in the football world and especially the media needs to take a good deep breath and get a reality check.

[Cranky Franky 1,837]

I really wish George on the Outer did more reviews & match reports. He tended to be much more critical than some who seem to run a protection racket for Club officials & players.

[Leopold Bloom 316]

14 hours ago, Cranky Franky said:

I really wish George on the Outer did more reviews & match reports. He tended to be much more critical than some who seem to run a protection racket for Club officials & players.

If I’m not mistaken, in the last three weeks, a Melbourne team badly weakened by injuries has lost games to second placed Port Adelaide and third placed GWS by two points in each game in a competitive season where even the reigning premier is finding it tough going and where both have difficult draws. 

Do you expect Demonland to repeat the half baked wrist slashing speculation of Jay Clark or Kane Cornes when it does a preview of a meaningless fixture at the close of a trying year? 

I guess you do if you’ve chosen “Cranky” to describe your on line character. 

[hardtack 10,422]

On 14/08/2024 at 12:47, Demonland said:

OUT C. Oliver (hand, knee, ribs and boompsadaisy)

Fixed it for you.