BRUISE FREE

[Demonland 73,136]

BRUISE FREE by Whispering Jack

In reviewing the match for tomorrow night between Melbourne and Essendon, I promised myself not to mention the fact that the club’s spate of injuries and suspensions which left it without half of its best twenty-two last week could possibly have been to blame for their recent poor performances.

I also swore not to raise the fact that the team that was pitted against Carlton last week seemed to play without purpose and lacked intensity, direction and toughness and went down by 47 points in a game where there was a singular lack of flair shown by either side with the exception of Carlton’s captain Chris Judd who was head and shoulders above most of the others who took to the field (OK, perhaps I should have included Marc Murphy in there with him). Then again, Judd seems to have the umpires living in such awe of his presence that even when he is tackled and fairly dispossessed, the rules are interpreted differently than they are for mere mortals. “He tried to handball it; that’s all he has to do.” Please umpire - tell that to the other 780 odd players in the competition who usually get pinged for incorrect disposal in the same circumstances.

Of course, the fact that Judd gets paid more per quarter of football than most others on the ground collect for a full game might have something to do with his stature and presence although I’m sure that he cops more bruises during a game than he hands out.

However, I still left the MCG feeling more than somewhat disillusioned about the Demons’ prospects for the remainder of the season and, in particular, for the forthcoming games against clubs like Essendon this week and … heaven’s above … Collingwood the week after.

I needed some inspiration, some positive thought in order to be able to preview Melbourne’s forthcoming game against the Bombers and it was for this reason that I found myself on the steps of an inconspicuous looking little nursing home in the inner northern suburbs that houses my friend and colleague, Clyde who used to drive taxi cabs for a living and has, in all the time I have known him, been regarded as the font of all knowledge about things football. He's the kind of person who always has a rare insight into every subject under the sun.

I entered the premises and immediately noticed that three of the residents were sleeping on couches that lined one side of the reception area. It was two o’clock in the afternoon. I noticed a rooms that were dark with dank air and a feline smell pervaded over the place as I waited patiently seeking to attract the attention of the woman behind the reception desk. She turned out to be of no help because she too, had fallen asleep, so I wandered into the lounge area and, after tripping over a cat whose shrieks brought the facility to life, I finally discovered Clyde in a corner reading the form guide.

Clyde knew instinctively that I was carrying a painful burden. He doesn’t attend many games these days on account of the arthritis that plagues him and which he blames on having to grip steering wheels for so many years during which he couldn’t remember a day passing by without him being in the driver’s seat for hours on end. “So they lost again. I tried to watch the game but I fell asleep, “he groaned.

“But you saw how they held the tide back in the first half and were only 16 points down at the main break?", I queried.

“No, I fell asleep during Better Homes and Gardens. Roses and daffodils do that to me.”

I could see I was getting nowhere but then he asked about the hoo ha involving some Carlton footballers whose faces had been all over the previous night’s television news broadcasts.

I started to explain the controversy of “bruise-free” football but the expression on his face suggested he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Gawn,” Clyde exclaimed.

“Clyde, Gawn hasn’t played a senior game yet.”

“No, I’m talking about Bruce. We know he’s gawn. Gawn to Hawthorn and that’s why we’re playing Bruce-free football these days.”

"How ...", I tried to start a sentence but his thin crab-like hand grasped mine and he now spoke eagerly.

"Howe. Of course he will play this week."

Friends. What more can I say about a conversation with a friend that, when I thought it over afterwards, probably best sums up how the 2011 is going for the Melbourne Football Club?

I stood to leave but he sat up erect screaming at the top of his lungs.

"The Blitz. It's the Blitz!"

THE GAME

Essendon v Melbourne at the MCG Friday, 3 June 2011 at 7.40pm.

HEAD TO HEAD

Overall Essendon 126 wins Melbourne 78 wins 2 draws

At the MCG Essendon 63 wins Melbourne 42 wins 1 draw

Since 2000: Essendon 10 wins Melbourne 5 wins

The Coaches Hird 0 wins Bailey 0 wins

MEDIA

TV Channel 7 Delayed at 8.30pm

RADIO - 3AW Triple M SEN K-Rock ABC774

THE BETTING Essendon $1.22 to win Melbourne $4.30 to win

THE LAST TIME THEY MET

Melbourne 19.8.122 defeated Essendon 14.19.93 at the MCG Round 15, 2010

The Bombers were never going to win and the Demons were almost 10 goals ahead early in the final quarter before they put the foot on the pedal and almost came to a screaming halt. Mark Jamar dominated in the ruck and Colin Sylvia dominated around the ground but it was Brad Green with five goals who really stamped his name on this game.

THE TEAMS

ESSENDON

Backs Kyle Hardingham Cale Hooker Dustin Fletcher

Half backs Henry Slattery David Myers Nathan Lovett-Murray

Centreline Leroy Jetta Brent Stanton Travis Colyer

Half forwards Jake Melksham Patrick Ryder David Zaharakis

Forwards Angus Monfries David Hill Stewart Crameri

Followers Tom Bellchambers Ben Howlett Mark McVeigh

Interchange Alex Brown Dyson Heppell Michael Hibberd Sam Lonergan

Emergencies Alwyn Davey Kyle Reimers Andrew Welsh

MELBOURNE

Backs James Frawley Jared Rivers Joel Macdonald

Half backs Tom Scully Jack Watts James Strauss

Centreline Jordan Gysberts Brent Moloney Jack Trengove

Half forwards Cale Morton Colin Sylvia Jeremy Howe

Forwards Max Gawn Brad Green Jamie Bennell

Followers Stef Martin Nathan Jones Jordie McKenzie

Interchange Liam Jurrah Neville Jetta Michael Evans Daniel Nicholson

Emergencies Matthew Bate Sam Blease Tom McDonald

In Max Gawn Jeremy Howe Tom Scully James Strauss Jack Trengove

Out Matthew Bate Addam Maric Michael Newton (foot) Ricky Petterd Matthew Warnock

New Max Gawn (Sandringham Dragons) Jeremy Howe (Hobart)

THE BLITZ by Whispering Jack and Clyde the (ex) Clifton Hill Cabbie

One of the nurses rushed into the lounge room carrying a pot of tea which she thrust onto a tray in front of Clyde. He accepted it gracefully and, when she turned her back to leave, he pulled a silver hip flask from his back pocket and poured more than a few drops of golden brown liquid into his cup. He drank and it revived him. The colour returned to his cheeks and he was suddenly alert.

“You’re writing the preview for Friday night’s Melbourne v Essendon game, aren't you?"

I nodded.

"Well, I'll let you in on a secret. Things are not as bad as they seem. We’ll get back Scully and Trengove this week and that 208cm giant Gawn will come in for his debut. He'll prove a handful for the Bombers and he won’t be alone in making his debut. There’s this kid from Tassie named Howe from Dodges Ferry near Hobart who can take a big grab. Both of the newbies have been showing good form at Casey and young Strauss goes well too.

"You know, I always used to say there's no substitute for youth. These kids are keen, eager and talented. They have that lean and hungry look about them.

"Take the $4.30 on offer from the betting agencies. In fact, lend me a gorilla and put on a bet for me!”

At that stage, I had to ask him what he had just put into his tea and he simply smiled.

Finally, I asked him what he meant when he was ranting on about "The Blitz" and he responded:

“I used to love doing match reviews but I always tried to maintain some balance so, if I was reviewing a game against the Bombers, I would seek their viewpoint.

"I suggest that you go searching in the direction of Bomber Blitz, their supporter website and you will find your answers.”

I left Clyde there, drinking his tea and giggling away. The cat had fallen asleep and purring contentedly.

I still had trouble writing the preview but then remembered Clyde's advice. I crossed enemy lines and entered Bomber Blitz.

To tell the truth, I haven't visited the place for twelve months and all I can say is what a difference a year and a few million dollars of coaching expertise makes to a club!

For a start, the arrogance meter has risen to a level that was high even when their team was slithering near the bottom of the ladder and every supporter was ready to string Matthew Knights up by the [snip]. They reckon they’re the best thing since sliced bread and that Melbourne will be a breeze.

In honour of Clyde, here are some of the thoughts being expressed by the Essendon faithful on their supporter website:

From Disco Stu

#%£! the Demons...and their Volvo driving supporters. The only people whose membership card doubles as lift pass at Bulla.

C'mon Dons, smash these farking tankers!

I like the originality of his humour, particularly the knee-slapping gag about membership cards doubling as lift passes at Bulla. I hope the MFC board takes this one on board because it could be a real winner.

Then there's Spirit of Ailsa:

melbourne are rubbish, if I'm not gigging on friday I'll go to this game and yell obsceneties at the few Melbourne supporters that dare sit in the Southern Stand, away from there brethren.

*They have an unusually large percentage of ranga supporters, and quite a few of them have a weird accent somewhere between a yobbo and a South African.

An intellectual giant if I ever saw one.

And so it went on with page after page dripping with meaningless inanity. There was no analysis of the teams, the game plans or the strategies. I was struggling to find anything of significance that I could borrow to write about tomorrow night's game from what I was reading on the Blitz. The entire body of on line Bomber supporters surely could not be so brain dead? There had to be something among all that drivel that could deliver something inspirational about the Demons ... and then I found this gem from Darth Taj:

That's it.

The Bomber fans are full of fear. Despite the youth of tomorrow's Melbourne team, Essendon comes into the game without its captain Jobe Watson, without Hurley and Hocking and having dropped their eight goal hero from the Suns game in Kyle Reimers. Their injury list is almost as long as Melbourne's, their last start was a disappointing loss to Richmond and they're coming off the dreaded bye which has seen many a side falter already this year. They're frightened that the opposition might come out firing. That they might even give away a few bruises.

So I'm tipping the Demons to pull off an upset and win this one. They'll blitz the Bombers and win by 21 points.

There. I've done it and it only took three or four swigs from the hip flask I confiscated from Clyde to get me there!

[old55 23,687]

So I'm tipping the Demons to pull off an upset and win this one. They'll blitz the Bombers and win by 21 points.

Agree