Mazer Rackham

I'm putting the ball much better. And I'm hitting the occasional draw off the tee, which I never used to do.

Start scouting Hobart for training facilities with room for MCG-sized oval, pool, gym, offices, social club and conference facilities.

Good pickup, Simon. Just a thought ... do you know anyone who knows about coaching AFL level football?

So our inept skills, non existent game plan, and clueless game day coaching, have nothing to do with it? Whew! What a relief.

out: 40,000 members

If anyone needed any reminding not to place any credence in Champion Data's rankings, take note now

How many games has this decimated list thrown away due to ineptitude? AFL level players are expected to exhibit AFL standard skills

Is it infectious? There has to be some explanation for this debacle

You just described the Melbourne game plan. Don't tell the other clubs, it's our intellectual property.

You must mean as a bar tender for the Aus Open Bowls next year. Can't see much football in his future

MFC - inept hopeless useless captains - where the bloody hell are you? coaches - watch some AFL football on TV, try to learn something about the way the game is played

Won't matter. By the time this facility is in place, western governments will have banned alcohol.

When we have every defender in the league on our list, no one will be able to stop our potent forward line!

it's got very little to do with MFC and whether we were/weren't a basket case. Liam had cultural responsibilities thrust on him at an early age that would severely test anyone. It was almost impossible for him to make a go of it at any AFL club, particularly one in remote cold grey Melbourne.

Trac should be like a chunky De Goey, running amok and terrorising defenders. He's being asked to think too much. Should be going on instinct.

It's well known of people with enormous ego and limited principle, that when they look over their shoulder and notice the adoring hordes have gone off in a different direction, they dash over to the head of said horde, and shout "follow me!" Now Eddie's going to lecture his son's school in how to be racist not racist. Professor McGuire, Nobel peace prize winner.

As said by several here, Gil believes he is administering an entertainment experience. Not a sporting competition. Everything is about making it more attractive on TV. Faster paced, more goals, etc. But his attempts to do so are like introducing cane toads to kill the cane beetle. They backfire and then create a bigger problem. However, I expect Gil would say "where's the problem? Have you seen the tremendous numbers of cane toads? We must be doing something right!" He would be more at home in Hollywood working on the Star Wars series of movies.

Kylie Watson-Wheeler, Managing Director, Walt Disney Co Australia Pty Ltd: get me Gil McLachlan on the phone Personal asistant to Kylie Watson-Wheeler: right away, ma'am (ring ring) Gillon McLachlan, CEO, AFL: Gil McLachlan KWW: I watched one of your games and I don't like what I saw. GM: ... who is this? KWW: They just grab each other all the time. GM: I ... KWW: I can't see what's on their shirts. GM: Is this Kylie? KWW: I want it fixed, and I want it fixed now! GM: Kylie. Ms Watson-Wheeler. Have I done something to displease you? I apologise in adv-- KWW: This goddamned grabbing. It's becoming a feature of your game. Cut it out. GM: Grabbing? ... do you mean tackling, Ms Watson-Wheeler? KWW: Call it whatever the hell you want, but I can't see their shirts! GM: Their shirts ... please tell me why, Ms Watson-Wheeler, that causes you concern? KWW: I can't see if it's Iron Man, or Power Man, or Miss Dynamite, or who the hell has the pigskin! GM: Iron Man? KWW: Gillon, are you listening? GW: Yes, Ms Watson-Wheeler. I am listening, Ms Watson-Wheeler. KWW: The player dressed as Iron Man. Or Power Boy. I can't see who it is with the pigskin. GM: But the player isn't ... I mean, the players aren't dressed as Iron Man. KWW: That comes in Phase 2. Try and keep up, Gillon! When the players are dressed as Wonder Lad or Macho Lady or who the hell, I want the consumers to see the branding of the product! Is that clear, Gillon? GM: Yes, Ms Watson-Wheeler. KWW: This grabbing, get rid of it. Now! GM: Yes, Ms Watson-Wheeler. Right away, Ms Watson-Wheeler. Sorry, Ms Watson-Wheeler. KWW: (hangs up) GM: (yelling) Dianne! Get me Steve on the blower! Use the red phone! Immediately!

I don't disagree but I think think the current malaise is a lot simpler than that. Goodwin is at a coaching crossroads. His methods are falling short and he has to revise them, or join the sacked coaches club.

$$$$$$$$$ If you're pushed, you get a payout. If you jump, you don't. (usually)

Every coach has his favourite types and mutterings appear about them when their side is losing. They mysteriously disappear when the side is winning. The "boys club" is not the issue. The "not winning" is the issue.

You know the media have really had it when they start saying "what does this club stand for???". Which is completely meaningless and is code for "they're hopeless and I've given up on them" They may start saying it about Freo this week. We've avoided it so far this year. Slobbo and Jon Faine Twately may unleash it if we lose.

Oh, haven't you heard? Other clubs have injuries are are playing poorly too. So we're not on our lonesome there. And with all those preseason surgeries, OF COURSE we were underdone and out of form! So, all perfectly understandable.

Believe it or not, there were some encouraging signs. Attacking handball freeing up space. Players seemingly conscious of not all piling in to a contest so some could hang back if the ball came out. Low hard kicks to teammates. Attempts to be creative inside 50 & not just bomb long. Of course that all dropped off when the screws were turned. Then came the discouraging signs. Forwards who can't get their hands on the pill. Etc etc etc etc etc etc. God we were inept in that last quarter (and last few mins of the 3rd). It's a football crime to be that clueless and ineffective. Anyone see that every single time we came near or even breathed on any Bris player with the pill, he would immediately go to ground. They are obviously coached to do this. It's ballshyt. Other clubs do it too but Bris seem to have turned it into an art form. Players that flop at first touch should be deemed to have had prior and if they don't get rid of it, it's holding the ball. But of course it's always a ball up instead. Players (from all sides) will even happily drag the ball back into a scrum and hardly ever get penalised for it. The umpire dept of the AFL are suckers.

??? None that I'm aware of. Oh hang on, I'm not Simon Goodwin. In fact, every coach or every club has said that. Every coach & every player at every club knows how to play us. Except for us.