Mazer Rackham

The AFL's moral compass is completely askew. They should never have allowed Wakelin to sit on the tribunal after hanging around the C'wood room with his scarf. He should have been removed from the panel at that point. But a long time ago, they should have told him upfront, part of being on the tribunal panel is that you may not be seen wearing any club's colours or hanging around any club's facilities. They don't seem to understand any of this. They seem to grapple (unsuccessfully) with why this might be an issue at all. Any why should anyone worry, when there are record crowds!!! When it comes to refereeing and officiating, they don't have any course charted. They don't know where they're going or why. They just drift with the currents and only react when rocks hove into view. End of the day: the only optics they care about are the TV screens, ie big audiences looking at big crowds.

In their baskets, gnawing on an old bone while waiting for the kids to come from school, then walkies!!!! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Yes, you're a good boy!!!

Is that double entendre? I'm not getting it

"getting drunk" on "$2 cocktails" is your big clue

"Wait ... you mean that ISN'T the game plan?" "What isn't?" "What you just said." "I didn't say anything. I was singing to myself. It's a Bob Dylan song. I do it all the time." "Oh right. Cause I've been telling the boys ... I mean, I thought ........ oh sh*t."

"Oh Christ! What's happening???" "There, there, mate. Haven't you heard? It's all the pre-season surgeries!"

That would explain a fair bit. What a double whammy. I have no such excuse, being the only football follower in my family. Locked in a prison of my own making. Which may be worse? Even contemplating that could drive me mad(der).

Clearly, you're stark raving mad like all the rest of us. Seriously, if you weren't, we'd think there was something wrong with you.

I place no credence in coaches' media performances and don't even watch or listen to Goodwin's as the useful content is always zero. However I rise to your challenge. We now take you to the "tell it as it is" post-match press conference that we'd all like to see ......... Simon Goodwin takes questions from the press ... "Yes it was a disgraceful performance. I haven't told the boys that yet. In the rooms I told them to hold their heads high. To take away the positives. But really, it was disgraceful. I gave them a huge razz at quarter time, again at half time ... By the last break I didn't bother. They were gone. I just told them, go and beat your man. Beat your man! Most of 'em wouldn't know who their man was. Hell, I don't know who their man was. Any of 'em. Next question." "Look, we all know Jones shouldn’t be captain. He's only got the job because of them photos. [censored]ing hell. Why would there be cameras there ??? I still can't work it out. The b*st*rd. Next bl**dy question." "Never mind what photos. I shouldn't have said anything. Next question." "I made a presentation to the board. I said we’ve got to juice the boys up like we did at Essen. Did anyone listen? Well the other coaches did. I must admit that. They were right into it. But Jacko? Bloody hit it on the head. Don't go near any of that stuff he said. Look at what happened to Essen. He's got a point. But gee, what did they do wrong? I mean really. They were just unlucky. And some of that sh*t was the goods. Leave you on cloud nine for days. I miss that you know. The stuff I get from Thommo isn't up to the same standard. Next question." "Well don't look at me. I keep asking the assistant coaches for a game plan and they just look at me and say aren’t you supposed to be in charge of that? I say, what are you assisting if you're not assisting in coaching? I know about winning the ball. Winning matches not so much. Give me some bl**dy clues for gods sake. They all just bl**dy stare at me. Then they hang around the tea room in small groups muttering and go silent when I come in the room. I went to Perty one day, I said, I just sacked Chaplin. Hoe about that? He bl**dy near freaked out. Said you can’t do that. Next minute Chaplin's back in his office! The [censored]? Why are you trying to undermine me, I said. Perty went on and on about contracts and bad press. Screw your contracts and bad press! That’s when I realised Perty was out to get me. A man can't get anything done when he's surrounded by people who are out to get him." (At this point Goodwin gets two steel balls out of his pocket and starts rolling them around in his hand) "You know what they call me? Old Fugazi. Yeah that's right. Old Fugazi. They think they're so [censored]ing clever. Old Fugazi my [censored]in' a**e. But I showed 'em! They tried to poison me yesterday. I'm sure of it. My coffee tasted strange. Like salt. Too smart for them, I was. I spit it out. My "assistant" coach Rawlings said that’s because you put salt in it by mistake. That's when I knew he was part of the conspiracy. You see, I never put salt in my coffee. Only sugar. Sugar, pure rainwater, and grain alcohol. In case it saps and impurifies my precious bodily fluids. He'll be first one gone after round 23. Have you ever felt drained after the physical act of lovemaking, Robbo?" (At this point the MFC media manager called the press conference to a halt.)

Read nothing into it. I've known people the other way round -- fantastic in interviews, around the meeting table, etc -- but who turn out to be horribly ineffective at the actual business of doing their job. Simon's not tracking too well at the "actual business of doing his job" right now, but his performance in front of cameras doesn't enter into it for me. (How many people actually are good in front of cameras?) Ultimately, the only thing that counts is on-field success.

I consider myself sternly admonished. My point was that Judd brought good qualities to Carlton, and as soon as he left, they (CFC) were useless again. My point, continued, was that the same would happen to the mighty MFC. An injection of spine and nous that would come and go like a sugar high. Cross, Vince, Lewis brought good qualities but came too late in their careers for it to "stick". I really don't know how leadership qualities could be lastingly implanted into a culture, but it won't be from any one player. It will take waves, overlapping generations of player careers. And almost needless to say, against a backdrop of onfield success. No idea what you mean by this but it probably doesn't matter now.

That's who I was talking about with my last sentence.

All the benefits Judd brought evaporated 2 seconds after he retired. It's cultural. One import only gives it a quick coat of varnish. Looks great but if the wood underneath is full of worm holes ...

So in other words ... either our "game plan" was so complicated our players needed constant reminders of what they were trying to do .... or ... our players had no idea at all of what they were trying to do. Crikey ... gets a bloke thinking ...

It's never wrong to bash McClure. Rest easy.

Sounds like a fishing expedition by Mr McConville to see who comes sniffing around, or to make someone panic and throw themselves on the hook

Come on, was there any doubt whatsoever? After the Captain Cotchin episode? In the year 2019, the AFL does not even need to implicity threaten withdrawal of media credentials. It's simply understood.

What we're seeing is the tide being drawn out before the tsunami. Warning signs have been there for some years. Look at the NFL for the frightening effects of what can happen. Good luck to the kid. Better to retire than risk your mind, and you and your family's wellbeing.

No, easy. All players wanting to take leave must apply to the WYL Truth and Reconciliation Commission. (joke!!!!!!)

I loved in Malvern too ...... (sigh) .... There's something about a mature, established suburb that you just don't find in newer, trendier urban developments.

Or is it? The opposition can't score if the ball is under a pack of six Demons on the wing. It's so simple it's profound.

It's very much like a premiership toaster, a premiership bookshelf, a premiership potato peeler, or a premiership DVD player. They are all as useful as each other and are equally accurate as predictors of the future.

Seems hard to believe. Where did they find enough Giants supporters to make a chant?

Let's look for a silver lining. There won't be any familiar faces for our players (apart from Goodwin) so they'll have to prove themselves all over again. Maybe it will shift them out of any comfort zone they may have worked themselves into.