Earl Hood

Good heavens a simple request for advice about one of my employees degenerates into smutty discussions, as if between a group of year 7 boys of transvestites and lords taking first dibs at the local village virgin. No wonder I try to limit my contact with the proletariat!

I am seeking advice from my fellow Dlanders. It has recently come to my attention an accusation that my favourite scullery maid, Conchita has been stealing from my wine collection! I have checked the cellar and yes there are bottles of Tempranillo, Sangiovese and Merlot missing ( could be BBO though) but then again my bookkeeping on these matters can be a bit erratic at times. I however feel betrayed, I brought my helper over from Columbia for her unique cleaning skills on a 457 Visa. I offered her the median wage of $55K per year and the usual requirement that she accompany my main Man, Hudson to the ATM to withdraw $500 every week to put back to our housekeeping fund. What more can I do?

Thanks for you advice Uncle B and sorry for the late reply. I prepared a tasty, nutritious meal on Monday night, a lightly grilled fillet of lean kangaroo leg with a small quinoa salad washed down with two bottles of Paul Osicka Shiraz 2012 as you recommended. Well I seemed to have missed Tuesday somewhere? I remember not feeling well, obviously something dodgey with the salad and decided to go to bed but I woke up face down in the bathroom and a check in on my mobile showed it was Wednesday? I think I need to re-evaluate the fitness advice I have received here on DL. Wellbeing programs need to be individually tailored I suspect.

Yes BBO you may have a point there. I have of recent years strayed away from that old staple shiraz. I have been partaking of your more boutique grape varieties, pinots, malbecs, Merlots etc. Certainly my former Adonis like physique has deteriorated in recent years since I last opened a bottle of Shiraz. That must be the problem, who needs the Man Challenge. Thanks for your advice Uncle B.

DC I wouldn't be paying for your advice, I don't live in quarter acre block Borewood home! I live in a Fitzroy warehouse, I don't have a Hills Hoist to run around. OD I eat quite well, no fat, all ancient grains and salads with some lean protein serves at night, all washed down with a bottle of quality red wine, I mean I don't believe I need dietary advice as I am ticking all the dietry boxes as far as I can see. Still there seems to be a calorie problem somewhere? Maybe Roosey can resolve the problem.

I am thinking of signing up for the Man Challenge 10 week fitness routine to shed some weight but I note Paul Roos is the coach along with other high profile sports people as mentors. My worry is that Roosey gets distracted from our pre season with my exercise routine and he neglects Jonesy and co. its $20 a week to join. What should I do?

BBO said Earl Hood just a reminder I'm still awaiting information on whether or not you were successful in abusing the 357 visa system to obtain new servants? My maids are refusing to wear the uniforms I supply and was I hoping to find some errr shall we say more compliant employees. This is part of your problem BBO, you have the wrong visas, I may use the 457 visa regulations for skilled migrant workers to my advantage. But I know nothing of the 357 variety you speak of. Now as you know I have offered my consulting services that can help humble, rural small businesses such as your own Uncle. It's not rocket science but you would be astounded by how many times we see small businesses making the simplist of errors, like paying their employees the legal hourly rate, or even paying the 9% super contribution. We even see businesses paying sick leave and long service leave entitlements. I mean it is seems ridiculous in this day and age but there you go. We have consulted to 711, Dominos, all the successful companies. We have the blueprint for success and we can give it to you. Success awaits you, just give us a call!

Nothing about the shirt per se Defrog, I was in fact wearing similar colourful, tropical shirts during my recent I'll fated missions to Cuba and Mexico where such garb is expected. But this is not the case in a place such as Melbourne. Black is more the fashionable colour here in our sub, sub tropical climate. Now Perth is different, I don't know what the fashion is over there, are Hawaiian shirts the in thing in Cottesloe these days?

Biff I thought you might have used your break to update your wardrobe, specifically your shirts, but obviously not. You weren't anywhere near FNQ were you?

Cheap hotel rates in cyclone season BBO? Or are you tenting it, if so watch out for crocs on the move?

Good to see a full page spread in today's Age (page 31) on your good self DC, the Ghost Who Walks. What I didn't know and you have kept to yourself, such is your modesty, is that you carried out a special assignment for Prime Minister Hawke back in 1992! What was that secret assignment, to take out Keating?

As my Christian Brother maths teacher used to beat into me so often, what are the units, boy? Numbers are meaningless without them!

Gee interesting chart there DC. I am amazed that there were only 139 bananas produced in 2012 and only 18 bananas exported in 2011, hardly seems it would be worth it. I mean I eat that many myself in a year so thank heavens we produce heaps of our own here in Oz.

Moons, I just want to confirm your point about punctuation!!!

True DC there is nothing scarier than the thought of President D Trump!

OD surely you meant that he says it before he thinks! Positively scary to think he could be in charge if something happened to No 1.

Is it time to talk guava paste instead?

Great memories Maca. I had the single or EP and Green River was the B side but that was my favourite song.

Hmmm men's final could be over very quickly at this rate. Murray doesn't look right.

Well that was some match, as good as I have seen in women's tennis. Great win by a girl who was not overwhelmed by the Williams circus and power game. Great effort

Kerber wins the first set! Finally a girl with a decent serve and ground strokes that can keep Serena in rallies and not get totally overwhelmed. Get Serena into rallies often enough and you will win. Now what is likely to happen now is Serena will try to get more intimidating and hope the newby cracks. Because Serena, great as she is, seems to be always playing someone who has never been to a Slam final, it is a huge advantage to have.

Et tu Bitter! That is all I can say. I haver never sought recognition as you know but yes if it was earned then so be it, thus the odd gong over the years. I would have thought my tireless work with the Hood Foundation, dedicated as it is for the rehabilitation of fallen equestrian polo players might have been recognised this year but it was not to be. But my efforts to help the poor Cubans of late are not recognised, especially here. As the first person to break the U.S. embargo I am their sole export market it seems, not for bananas as I thought but for tonnes of guava paste. My Fitzroy estate (now minus one maid) is full of shipping containers of guava! Perhaps Romsey Manner has some space? Can we do a deal? You provide storage space and I can provide pro bono consulting services for investments, SMSF, small business help etc. We are noted for turning around small enterprises such as yours, not unlike Gordon Ramsey's Hells Kitchens!

Really enjoying the Jokovic vs Federer battle tonight, especially when Channel 7 zooms in on Boom Boom Becker's reactions in the coaches box, as they do after every rally. Meant to add that nothing changes.

BBO For the record I don't have a cook, I have a three hat chief and it was his day off but that is irrelevant in this case. I am experimenting with guava paste to see how I can market this new taste sensation from the Carribean! On My recent trade mission to aid Cuba I thought I signed off on regular consignments of Cuban bananas, but the paperwork was in Spanish and I may have confused things somewhat. Anyway I am now receiving container loads of guava paste instead from the Communists. Who would have thought they would be so efficient? In response I am working on guava paste coffee at this point in time and I am also in fruitful discussions with Swisse multivitamins as I am sure my regular intake of guava paste recently has improved my backhand. That could be a big seller!

just finished a home made guava paste smoothie but being honest, it was rubbish!