THE TRADING CHRONICLES 2025 by The Private Eye

October 5Oct 5

Part One: The Private Eye

In light of the drama of the past week, Demonland hired a private eye to sort out what was really happening at the Melbourne Football Club as we enter the 2025 Trade Period. This is the first report filed in the past hour …

Off Track

When the 1:30 pm Virgin Airlines flight from Tullamarine touched down at Coolangatta Airport on Saturday afternoon, I thought the Gold Coast would already be caught up in a frenzy over Brand Petracca, but, boy, was I wrong! It was NRL Grand Final Weekend in the Sunshine State, and the locals were totally obsessed with the Brisbane Broncos taking down the Melbourne Storm. Nothing else mattered.

I searched all the nightclubs and fancy restaurants, but there was no sign of Christian Petracca anywhere. Acting on a tip-off, I took an Uber to a luxurious penthouse apartment in Surfers Paradise, only to discover that I had arrived late.

It turned out that the digs belonged to some big cheese who sponsors the St Kilda Football Club, and three days prior, he and the club's president had taken Suns player Sam Flanders out for dinner and signed him up on a contract to the Saints for a small fortune to turn up for them in 2026 and beyond. The concierge downstairs muttered something about a conga line of AFL players coming in and out of that apartment for the last three months.

Like me, the Demons were also late to the party, but let's be real – Melbourne was never in the running for Flanders. I scoured the apartment from top to bottom, but Tracc was nowhere to be found, nor was his entourage of lawyers, accountants, website designers and food tasters.

The next morning, I turned up at the Farmers Market at HOTA by the Nerang River, hoping to find some food stall selling Nonna's legendary bolognese sauce, but once again I struck out big time. I was starting to hit rock bottom with a big fat zero to show for my sleuthing.

I was about to throw in the towel. Tomorrow marked the start of the AFL's Trade Period, and I had nothing to help me unravel the fate of the Melbourne Football Club or explain why the new coach was giving his players their marching orders, one by one.

There had already been action in the form of free agency movement, but that had been mainly for the benefit of the Saints, because, of course, they need a miracle. I was getting desperate and found myself in a bar, making buddies with a Coconut Mojito while watching the rugby league final. I was desperate, and after all, what's a little desperation without a good drink?

A brunette sidled into the seat next to mine. “Mind if I crash the party?” and before I could respond, she ordered a schooner of XXXX and guzzled it down in a single gulp. Not long after, I face-planted. I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book. She had slipped me a Mickey.

When I came to, I had a headache to rival the worst hangover, and the room was swaying from side to side like a bad dance move. Except it wasn’t a room, it was a boat, and I was somewhere out at sea, feeling a bit like a drunken sailor. She was pointing a Beretta at my head, and I was pretty sure she wasn't there to give me a pep talk.

She was there to give me a friendly reminder that in Queensland, tomorrow was Kings Birthday (I checked it up - it’s true) and, just as in the southern states, every such day of royal celebration means Melbourne and Collingwood go head-to-head in some form of football battle. Tomorrow, those clubs would be making their final pitch for the services of Gold Coast midfielder Bailey Humphrey as part of a major move in the AFL Trade Period and I was to be the key component in the Petracca exchange.

To be continued …

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October 5Oct 5

1 minute ago, Demonland said:
In light of the drama of the past week, Demonland hired a private eye to sort out what was really happening at the Melbourne Football Club as we enter the 2025 Trade Period. This is the first report filed in the past hour …
Off Track
When the 1:30 pm Virgin Airlines flight from Tullamarine touched down at Coolangatta Airport on Saturday afternoon, I thought the Gold Coast would already be caught up in a frenzy over Brand Petracca, but, boy, was I wrong! It was NRL Grand Final Weekend in the Sunshine State, and the locals were totally obsessed with the Brisbane Broncos taking down the Melbourne Storm. Nothing else mattered.
I searched all the nightclubs and fancy restaurants, but there was no sign of Christian Petracca anywhere. Acting on a tip-off, I took an Uber to a luxurious penthouse apartment in Surfers Paradise, only to discover that I had arrived late.
It turned out that the digs belonged to some big cheese who sponsors the St Kilda Football Club, and three days prior, he and the club's president had taken Suns player Sam Flanders out for dinner and signed him up on a contract to the Saints for a small fortune to turn up for them in 2026 and beyond. The concierge downstairs muttered something about a conga line of AFL players coming in and out of that apartment for the last three months.
Like me, the Demons were also late to the party, but let's be real – Melbourne was never in the running for Flanders. I scoured the apartment from top to bottom, but Tracc was nowhere to be found, nor was his entourage of lawyers, accountants, website designers and food tasters.
The next morning, I turned up at the Farmers Market at HOTA by the Nerang River, hoping to find some food stall selling Nonna's legendary bolognese sauce, but once again I struck out big time. I was starting to hit rock bottom with a big fat zero to show for my sleuthing.
I was about to throw in the towel. Tomorrow marked the start of the AFL's Trade Period, and I had nothing to help me unravel the fate of the Melbourne Football Club or explain why the new coach was giving his players their marching orders, one by one.
There had already been action in the form of free agency movement, but that had been mainly for the benefit of the Saints, because, of course, they need a miracle. I was getting desperate and found myself in a bar, making buddies with a Coconut Mojito while watching the rugby league final. I was desperate, and after all, what's a little desperation without a good drink?
A brunette sidled into the seat next to mine. “Mind if I crash the party?” and before I could respond, she ordered a schooner of XXXX and guzzled it down in a single gulp. Not long after, I face-planted. I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book. She had slipped me a Mickey.
When I came to, I had a headache to rival the worst hangover, and the room was swaying from side to side like a bad dance move. Except it wasn’t a room, it was a boat, and I was somewhere out at sea, feeling a bit like a drunken sailor. She was pointing a Beretta at my head, and I was pretty sure she wasn't there to give me a pep talk.
She was there to give me a friendly reminder that in Queensland, tomorrow was Kings Birthday (I checked it up - it’s true) and, just as in the southern states, every such day of royal celebration means Melbourne and Collingwood go head-to-head in some form of football battle. Tomorrow, those clubs would be making their final pitch for the services of Gold Coast midfielder Bailey Humphrey as part of a major move in the AFL Trade Period and I was to be the key component in the Petracca exchange.
To be continued …

BRILLIANT!

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October 5Oct 5

October 11Oct 11

Author

Part Two: Holding Pattern

This whole week has been a wild ride through the world of trade and free agency, and I’m here to help you make some sense of it all, at least from a Melbourne perspective. In short, we’re in the eye of a storm but in a holding pattern.

Before we kick off, a message received from out intrepid private investigator who we hired to help us keep track of Tracc:

"I have a confession - the mission just hit a major snag. You're going to think I've been binge-watching too many spy movies, but basically I was kidnapped by a foreign operative who bound me up, tossed me on a boat, and sailed it into rough waters off the Queensland coast, where we drifted for a while.

“On the third day, one of the crew, whom I recognized from the St Kilda sponsor’s apartment on the Gold Coast, approached my captor in an agitated state. I heard him muttering something under his breath, but I only caught the following words: “… a leak.” I asked myself, was the boat sinking or was this an important clue?

“Rain began to fall, and the sky suddenly grew black. The wind intensified, and white-capped waves swept around the deck, engulfing us. We were going down. A hand grabbed me from behind, forced me across the bow, and before I knew it, I was pushed into another vessel, which turned out to be a submarine. It dove into the depths of the ocean, and then things got really weird - we were sucked into some kind of crazy vortex. And, just like that, we were plunged into darkness and lost all contact with the outside world.

“Some days passed until the generators started humming again and I was taken into a brightly lit man who was instantly recognisable from his intimidating orange face and the red cap with ‘Make the Suns Great Again’ embroidered on the front.”

And that brings us to the present time which is the weekend in the middle of all of the trading shenanigans.

So far, it’s been a week full of intrigue, disinformation, enjoyment, hope and disappointment like most other such periods. The low point from the sport’s point of view has been the disgraceful way that St Kilda treated GWS wantaway Leek Aleer and from Melbourne’s point of view, the departure and impending departures of players.

With the situation in a state of flux, I won’t go into any commentary on the Demon premiership players who we may possibly (most likely?) be waving farewell to next week. However, if the media is to be believed, the Demons might need some of the strong negotiating skills and firepower vested in Donald J. Trump who our private eye could have been alluding to in his above message.

Over the past week, the Demons have farewelled one premiership hero in Charlie Spargo and a promising defender in Judd McVee (through free agency and a trade respectively) and the club has thanked them appropriately for their service. Melbourne also welcomed a Collingwood premiership player and veteran forward in Brody Mihocek and a young, tall development ruckman in Max Heath, the latter hand-picked as an understudy for the other Max who we have at the club.

The coming week promises plenty of action as we move out of that holding pattern for the big deals to come.

Here are the done deals so far:

FREE AGENCY

• Jack Silvagni to St Kilda - Carlton receives an end of round one compensation pick (19)

• James Worpel to Geelong - Hawthorn receives an end of second round compensation pick (39)

• Tom De Koning to St Kilda - Carlton receives a round one compensation pick (9)

• Sam Draper to Brisbane Lions - Essendon receives an end of round one compensation pick (20)

• Jacob Wehr to Port Adelaide - GWS receives no compensation

• Charlie Spargo to North Melbourne - Melbourne receives an end of round two compensation pick (41)

• Oscar Allen to Brisbane Lions - West Coast Eagles receive a round one compensation pick (2)

The Free Agency period is now closed.

TRADES

• Carlton receives Liam Reidy, a third-round pick (currently 53) and a fourth-round pick (currently 71) - Fremantle receives a third-round pick (50) and a fourth-round pick (68)

• Sydney Swans receive Malcolm Rosas Jnr and a fourth-round pick (62), Gold Coast Suns receive a third-round pick (51) and a fourth-round pick (69), West Coast Eagles receive Brandon Starcevich, a first-round pick (12) and a third-round pick (currently 52), West Coast Eagles give Picks 16, 22 and 23,

• Brisbane Lions receive two first-round picks (16 and 22) and two third-round picks (44 and 50), Brisbane Lions give Brandon Starcevich, Picks 19, 46 and 52, Fremantle receives a first-round pick (19), a second-round pick (currently 23) and a third-round pick (currently 46), Fremantle gives Picks 12, 33, 44 and 50

• Fremantle receives Judd McVee - Melbourne receives a second-round pick (23)

• St Kilda receives Sam Flanders - Gold Coast Suns receive a first-round pick (7)

• Melbourne receives Max Heath - St Kilda receives a 2027 fourth-round pick (tied to Melbourne)

• St Kilda receives Liam Ryan and a 2027 third-round pick (tied to West Coast) - West Coast Eagles receive a 2026 second-round pick (tied to St Kilda)

• Melbourne receives Brody Mihocek and a third-round pick (71) - Collingwood receives a third-round pick (61) and a 2026 third-round pick (tied to Melbourne)

• Carlton receives Campbell Chesser - West Coast Eagles receive a second-round pick (41)

• Carlton receives Ben Ainsworth and a fourth-round pick (67), Carlton gives Corey Durdin and a 2026 second-round pick, Gold Coast Suns receive a second-round pick (currently 29), Gold Coast Suns give Ben Ainsworth, Port Adelaide receives Corey Durdin and a 2026 second-round pick (tied to Carlton), Port Adelaide gives a second-round pick (currently 29) and a fourth-round pick (currently 67)

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October 11Oct 11

I knew the Orange Man would have a finger in the draft pie at some point in this saga.

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October 12Oct 12

WEEKEND TRADE

• The Western Bulldogs will trade pick 12 to Greater Western Sydney for picks 14 & 37. To be lodged tomorrow, apparently in conjunction with a trade involving Connor Broderick.

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October 14Oct 14

MONDAY TRADES

• GWS receives a first-round pick (12) - Western Bulldogs receive a first-round pick (14) and a second-round pick (37)

• GWS receives: a first-round pick (12) - Western Bulldogs receive a first-round pick (14) and a second-round pick (37)

• Port Adelaide receives Will Brodie - Fremantle receives a sixth-round selection (103)

TUESDAY TRADES

Brisbane Lions receive a third-round pick (59) and a 2026 third-round pick (tied to Melbourne) - Collingwood receives two third-round picks (45 and 56)

• Essendon receive Brayden Fiorini - Gold Coast Suns receive a 2026 third-round pick (tied to Essendon)

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October 15Oct 15

Author

Part Three: Thanks for The Memories

I found myself seated on a couch in the Oval Office, opposite a coffee table littered with Big Mac wrappers, empty Coke cans, and crumpled KFC buckets. Scattered across the floor were multiple copies of The Art of the Deal, as if casually placed for dramatic effect.

In the corner, a man dressed in traditional robes stood from a prayer mat, nodded politely, and exited in silence. Without missing a beat, the President dismissed the visiting Saudi crown prince with a belch and a wave.

“Say hi to the wives, Mohammed,” he said. “And don’t forget—we’ve got that Egypt meeting next week to wrap up the Middle East peace deal and finalize the golf resort in Riyadh.”

Then he turned to me, narrowing his eyes. “So… who are you, man?”

The panic inside surged, but I somehow managed to get my words out: I was on a mission to track down the elusive Melbourne football superstar, Christian Petracca, and convince him to return with me.

“You’re from Australia? No way!” he said. “I once hung out with Ivana there… just kidding, it was a riverboat on the Danube. Gorgeous castles. Looked like a Disney movie. Here, have a chicken wing.”

After gently correcting his geography, he poured me a neat whiskey to calm my nerves and launched into an impromptu monologue about marsupials and his Australian fiscal adviser—a man who believes a nation’s economy can be tracked through the price of a large McDonald’s fries. Eventually, he circled back to the matter at hand.

His Australian associates—Mr. Kanga and Mr. Roos—were waiting outside to be buzzed in. But first, some pressing international business.

“Call the Latvians. I’m slapping a 10% tariff on their automotive industry. Effective midnight.”

A pause.

“What? They don’t have an automotive industry? Fine. Put it on Bulgaria instead and make it 15%. Take it or leave it, buddy. And send a bottle of our best champagne and a box of Havana cigars to Bibi. Now send in the Aussies.”

They entered the room like characters from The Blues Brothers—sunglasses on, boots polished, radiating theatrical flair, minus the dance moves and musical talent.

I recognized Roos immediately—a familiar figure from years past. I recalled he’d lived in the U.S. with his American wife. Naturally, he led with football:

“I’m the strategic thinker behind the ‘no dickheads, no disruptors’ policy. We’ve resolved the Petracca and Oliver situation. They’re out. We stage managed their exit with the media and brought in fresh talent—solid citizens committed to the Demons, who won’t break the salary cap, and have no social media presence.”

He ticked off names with confidence.“Jack Steele and CJ are both humble and unassuming characters. Big Maxy Heath—can’t cook, but who cares? Brody Mihocek goes to church on Sundays when he’s not playing. Plus, a bag of draft picks to play with. Your recruiting team are going to feel like pigs in shit.

“So bid a fond farewell to those departing, send your appreciation for their past deeds, thank them for the memories and wish them success in their future pursuits. Tell them you’re embarking on a new trajectory, unencumbered by nostalgia for past accomplishments and no longer looking backwards”.

The President nodded in approval, noting how the approach was considerably more elegant than in his father’s day—when favours might’ve involved a quiet word with the Gambino family.

Then Kanga stepped in to outline the business model:

“We’ve secured a new home base—prime real estate opposite Caulfield Station and right near the racetrack. Top-notch potential for training facilities. The only catch? It’s currently a parking lot. But development’s no problem—we’ve got the finance lined up. There’s a minor hiccup in transferring some real estate in the south east to make way for the Trump Casey Country Club, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.”

And just like that, my time in the Oval Office ended. I was ushered out onto Pennsylvania Avenue—disoriented, slightly buzzed, but filled with renewed hope because, after all, there’s always next season.

Maybe, just maybe, 2026 will be our year.

Go Dees!

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October 15Oct 15

1 hour ago, Demonland said:
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
I found myself seated on a couch in the Oval Office, opposite a coffee table littered with Big Mac wrappers, empty Coke cans, and crumpled KFC buckets. Scattered across the floor were multiple copies of The Art of the Deal, as if casually placed for dramatic effect.
In the corner, a man dressed in traditional robes stood from a prayer mat, nodded politely, and exited in silence. Without missing a beat, the President dismissed the visiting Saudi crown prince with a belch and a wave.
“Say hi to the wives, Mohammed,” he said. “And don’t forget—we’ve got that Egypt meeting next week to wrap up the Middle East peace deal and finalize the golf resort in Riyadh.”
Then he turned to me, narrowing his eyes. “So… who are you, man?”
The panic inside surged, but I somehow managed to get my words out: I was on a mission to track down the elusive Melbourne football superstar, Christian Petracca, and convince him to return with me.
“You’re from Australia? No way!” he said. “I once hung out with Ivana there… just kidding, it was a riverboat on the Danube. Gorgeous castles. Looked like a Disney movie. Here, have a chicken wing.”
After gently correcting his geography, he poured me a neat whiskey to calm my nerves and launched into an impromptu monologue about marsupials and his Australian fiscal adviser—a man who believes a nation’s economy can be tracked through the price of a large McDonald’s fries. Eventually, he circled back to the matter at hand.
His Australian associates—Mr. Kanga and Mr. Roos—were waiting outside to be buzzed in. But first, some pressing international business.
“Call the Latvians. I’m slapping a 10% tariff on their automotive industry. Effective midnight.”
A pause.
“What? They don’t have an automotive industry? Fine. Put it on Bulgaria instead and make it 15%. Take it or leave it, buddy. And send a bottle of our best champagne and a box of Havana cigars to Bibi. Now send in the Aussies.”
They entered the room like characters from The Blues Brothers—sunglasses on, boots polished, radiating theatrical flair, minus the dance moves and musical talent.
I recognized Roos immediately—a familiar figure from years past. I recalled he’d lived in the U.S. with his American wife. Naturally, he led with football:
“I’m the strategic thinker behind the ‘no [censored], no disruptors’ policy. We’ve resolved the Petracca and Oliver situation. They’re out. We stage managed their exit with the media and brought in fresh talent—solid citizens committed to the Demons, who won’t break the salary cap, and have no social media presence.”
He ticked off names with confidence.“Jack Steele and CJ are both humble and unassuming characters. Big Maxy Heath—can’t cook, but who cares? Brody Mihocek goes to church on Sundays when he’s not playing. Plus, a bag of draft picks to play with. Your recruiting team are going to feel like pigs in [censored].
“So bid a fond farewell to those departing, send your appreciation for their past deeds, thank them for the memories and wish them success in their future pursuits. Tell them you’re embarking on a new trajectory, unencumbered by nostalgia for past accomplishments and no longer looking backwards”.
The President nodded in approval, noting how the approach was considerably more elegant than in his father’s day—when favours might’ve involved a quiet word with the Gambino family.
Then Kanga stepped in to outline the business model:
“We’ve secured a new home base—prime real estate opposite Caulfield Station and right near the racetrack. Top-notch potential for training facilities. The only catch? It’s currently a parking lot. But development’s no problem—we’ve got the finance lined up. There’s a minor hiccup in transferring some real estate in the south east to make way for the Trump Casey Country Club, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.”
And just like that, my time in the Oval Office ended. I was ushered out onto Pennsylvania Avenue—disoriented, slightly buzzed, but filled with renewed hope because, after all, there’s always next season.
Maybe, just maybe, 2026 will be our year.
Go Dees!

Beautiful, a really beautiful thing...

We've got a Melbourne too a good guy runs that place. You have golf courses right ??

Casey...( turns to Vance ) ... get someone on that... do they have Gators there....our Melbourne....too many gators...

Hang on... its Bibi again....its always Bibi...

Pete...tell Putin we're sending some gifts his way .... might not like them... he does bad things....

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October 15Oct 15

Yes, we always move forward. It won’t be the same but it will be better because the distractions have been removed.

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October 21Oct 21

Just FANTAS

Absolutely brilliant @Demonland . There are insufficient emojis to acknowledge just how good this piece is! Thank you! ❤️💙

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October 22Oct 22

All of the player movements in the free agency and trade periods ~