Just when you thought the troubles were over at the Enron Football Club and the billionaire saviour started throwing his money all around the place, the newly appointed skipped gets involved in a family feud.

MY NAME IS LANCE is a poignant story about two brothers, their families and a turkey named Carlton.

My name is Lance

by Michael "Squints" Polydoros

2 March, 2007

Lance Whitnall appeared in court yesterday to apply for an intervention order against his brother, Shane. The order was eventually granted by Judge Roy Bean, who commented that in all his years he had never come across a case quite like this one. The unusual nature of the intervention order itself makes this a unique case.

"As far as I know, this is the first intervention order that will only be in force during meal times. The boys are happy to see each other the rest of the time but they are adamant that they will never share a meal again," said the bemused judge.

Shane's wife Tammy continues the tale. "It all began on Christmas Day at Shane and mine's house in Reservoir," added the diminutive bottle blonde. "Shane had spent months looking for the biggest turkey ever and finally came home with a 48 kg bird. He was so proud.

After we had cooked it and Shane took it off the barbie, Lance just went nuts. He grabbed the whole thing, sat it on his lap on my son Exavier's TV Stable Table and started hoeing in. How rude! No way would Shane put up with that so he wrestled both Lance and the turkey to the ground."

"We were all terrified," continued Lance's peroxided wife, Rhiannon. "They wrestled and ate, and wrestled and ate. No one could separate them until all that was left was clean-picked bones. We had to all go down to Macca's for a happy meal."

It has been reported that the boys then made up but the truce was short-lived. A couple of days later, on a family trip to the zoo, they were at it again. "They were OK," said the boys father, Graeme, "Until it was feeding time for the lions. The sight of two hungry lions fighting over a side of antelope was too much for them and they were at it hammer and tongs. It was just like when they were teenagers again."

The most puzzling aspect of this case, according to Judge Bean, was Tammy's threat to burn down the house of her sister-in-law Rhiannon's, parents. "No way did I threaten to do that. All I did was threaten to burn their Fleetwood Mac collection. I'm sick of that b!tch holding that one over me!"

Funniest story ever

I never thought anyone could be as ugly as Lance, but then I saw his brother. The sad thing is, his wife isnt half bad looking. His brother that is, not Lance

Funniest story ever

I never thought anyone could be as ugly as Lance, but then I saw his brother. The sad thing is, his wife isnt half bad looking. His brother that is, not Lance

You must dig slappers.

Similar story to spida everitts family troubles. White trash makes money in footy family gets jealous. LOL

I hope you were kidding about the wife, she is horrid.

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That way to Moe Yze Magic .

Hi, I'm Jerry Springer.

Today we have a story of two warring brothers and the women behind them, perhaps manipulating them who knows, who have played a significant part in this domestic drama. It looks to me that these hoes have created a lot of this sibling rivalry. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Audience: BOOOOO! (BTW the women look only a little better than the gonad Whitnalls and the camera angles are not flattering. Too much double chin and vacant red eyes on all counts.)

CUT TO DARK LOOKS FROM UGLY WHITNALLS.

Ad break rushed forward. (It's not looking positive for the sponsors).

After ad, ONE OF THE WHITNALLS GETS HALF OUT OF THEIR SEAT LOOKING AGGRESSIVE.

Jerry: Okay, exactly what's the problem here? Let's cut to the chase. Some sort of sibling rivalry? Who's screwing who?

Hi, I'm Jerry Springer.

Today we have a story of two warring brothers and the women behind them, perhaps manipulating them who knows, who have played a significant part in this domestic drama. It looks to me that these hoes have created a lot of this sibling rivalry. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Audience: BOOOOO! (BTW the women look only a little better than the gonad Whitnalls and the camera angles are not flattering. Too much double chin and vacant red eyes on all counts.)

CUT TO DARK LOOKS FROM UGLY WHITNALLS.

Ad break rushed forward. (It's not looking positive for the sponsors).

After ad, ONE OF THE WHITNALLS GETS HALF OUT OF THEIR SEAT LOOKING AGGRESSIVE.

Jerry: Okay, exactly what's the problem here? Let's cut to the chase. Some sort of sibling rivalry? Who's screwing who?

You're 100% right Maximum. It's a private affair and shouldn't be aired in public. Certainly wouldn't be if it was Lance Smith and his brother Shane.

If you watched the Carlton game on saturday night you will have noticed Lance sporting a black eye.

My sources are telling me he got into a fight with Shane on friday night that saw him on the recieving end of a broken nose and a subsequent black eye. So all is not settled in the whitnall family

Similar story to spida everitts family troubles. White trash makes money in footy family gets jealous. LOL

I hope you were kidding about the wife, she is horrid.

I'm pretty sure he was referring to Lance Whitnall's sister-in-law, and she seemed decent looking - particularly in contrast to Lance's wife.

vs

Anyhow, pretty sad that this is being played out in the media. I imagine it's rather embarassing for them, although they seem happy enough to make comments to various media outlets.

The secret's out. The Whitnalls are the illegitimate offspring of the Addams Family. Give Lance a bit more height & weight (and a shot of radiation) and you've got a Lurch in waiting. I'm sure his brother's hand has done a Thing impersonation more than once as well.

And I can't figure out why there are so many blonde jokes. The two women look super intelligent.