FRACTURED FAIRY TALES AND OTHER FANTASIES

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FRACTURED FAIRY TALES AND OTHER FANTASIES by The Demonland Crew

Back in the late 1950s there was nothing on earth that could ever instil fear in the hearts of Melbourne players or their myriad fans. No task was too difficult an assignment for the team. Not even a trip down the Princes Highway to Geelong for the club's annual visit to the Cattery. After all, the Demons were the dominant force in the competition.

Those were the days. It was a time of football, meat pies, kangaroos bouncing around the countryside and Holden cars dominating streetscapes. Television had just arrived in the land and kids everywhere rushed to their sets to watch the Mickey Mouse Club, Uncle Doug, Zig and Zag, and Rocky and Bullwinkle and their Fractured Fairy Tales. By way of tribute to those long gone days, we present...

THE FRACTURED FAIRYTALE by The Oracle

I look into my crystal ball and see snowflakes whirling. The scene clears and I see skiers returning to their lodge after an afternoon out on the slopes. They are anxious to catch news of the day's events from Skilled Stadium where their favourite football team is doing battle against one of the most formidable opponents on hostile territory. They settle before a fireplace and one of them turns on the wireless set. The crackling of static delivers the news.

Welcome listeners to Skilled Stadium where it's been a sensational afternoon of football. We've just witnessed Geelong's unbeaten run of more than four years at this ground come to an end after a long kick from (static) bounced truly just on the siren to give Melbourne a dramatic three-point victory to keep his team's finals hopes for 2011 well and truly alive.

The Demons deserved their victory. Their ruck combination of Mark Jamar and Stef Martin dominated all day giving great service to their hardworking midfield led by Brent Moloney and Nathan Jones. Liam Jurrah and Jack Watts were on target with five goals each and the defence led by James Frawley frustrated the Cats' forwards and prevented the home side from exerting its usual dominance at this venue.

The scenes of jubilation among the Demons as they left the field was in stark contrast to the venom shown by the home town supporters who booed umpire (crackling) from the field ...

Now, I know what you're thinking.

It's all a fantasy and you're right but surely that's what football's all about these days. Isn't it?

For example, let's take the main topic of general public interest about the Melbourne Football Club in recent times. I refer to the question of the footballing future of one Tom Scully. Not a day seems to pass without us being fed fantastic stories from the media about the young man and, with each incredible revelation, we find scenarios more and more mindboggling and farfetched than the ones that came before ... like this one received today from a correspondent.

DEMON SCULLY MISSING FEARED CAPTURED BY ALIENS by Mike Sheen

LET'S cut to the chase - Tom Scully has been missing since the Melbourne v Port Adelaide game in Darwin a fortnight ago and hasn't been seen or heard from ever since.

They say he wasn't seen when the victorious Demons sang the club song after prevailing over the Power on that steamy , hot night, that he might have been receiving medical attention elsewhere at the time, that he was suffering from back problems, a bruised knee, amnesia or a possibly a bout of the flu.

What we do know is that he was selected to play against Hawthorn last weekend but failed to make the cut after he was allegedly ruled out with a knee injury. But was it really a knee injury?

The media continues to buzz about Tom, his future, whether he will play with Melbourne this week, next week, next year or will he cross over to the Dark Side: to the sprawling suburbs collectively known as Greater Western Sydney?

There are others who are pointing elsewhere. There are ominous signs of the apparent disappearance of the 20-year-old youngster. Has he gone missing and has he taken Ron Barassi's famous No.31 guernsey with him?

Perhaps, the rumours are true that Scully was captured by aliens on that fateful night of Saturday 16 July 2011?

What we do know is that many Darwin locals reported seeing strange lights in the northern skies over TIO Stadium just minutes after Scully was subbed off with an injury late in the third quarter. This has left many in the football world clinging to one logical conclusion.

According to those "insiders" the young Demon is currently swirling around in an alien spacecraft somewhere near Alpha Centauri, already four light years away from our planet.

They say that if he ever came back, Tom Scully could play in Sydney under the tutelage of Kevin Sheedy where the two would have lots of time to exchange stories about aliens, seagulls and marshmallows.

Meanwhile, Sheedy's employer, Andrew Demetriou, reckons he doesn't have a clue where the Demon youngster is or where he will play next year but if you ask those who should know in recruiting they would all tell you that Scully is heading north (if those little green men return their quarry back to earth).

There are persistent suggestions that Scully has been retained by as the public face of Tony's Kebab franchise in Paramatta and Blacktown and that he and his family have been engaged by the Rooty Hill RSL to take part in a Tom Jones/Engelbert Revival Tour together worth upwards of $500k annually for five years, a sum that the AFL was quick to confirm will not be included in the Giants' salary cap because of a rule allowing new franchises special consideration for third party contracts. Whatever happens, I can reveal exclusively that one song Tom won't be performing is "The green, green grass of Home".

AFL official, Angry Anderson denied the existence of the rule although he admitted he might have made something up to that effect for players signed last October during the AFL's mysterious window of opportunity to poach contract players coming out of contract twelve months in advance.

Despite all the conjecture, Scully's management group, Velocity Sports, has said nothing about his contract situation or his current whereabouts.

The silence from the Scully camp has been deafening.

He's gone!

Since you've all been holding out to read a preview of Saturday's fixture between Melbourne and Geelong we thought we should deliver one even though it's brief.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE by JVM

Recent history tells us the Cats have beaten the Demons by an average of 58 points in their past six encounters. This week's visitors have a poor recent record at Skilled Stadium having won only once there since the late '80s.

Every time they meet it's virtually a case of "Mission Impossible" and this week is no exception. The task of taking on Geelong on home soil in front of a crowd made up of 99% home team supporters is daunting, a challenge beyond comprehension and certainly beyond even the odds of $8.00 offered by the bookmakers. If there is any doubt about the identity of the winner of this match then consider this amazing piece of information:

Only one current Melbourne player has polled a Brownlow Medal vote against Geelong and that player is ...

Aaron Davey who is a likely starter in the curtain raiser on account of the fact that he hasn't played since he incurred a knee injury in round eight against St. Kilda.

So I will just quietly tip Geelong to win by 58 points (57 if the aliens return Tom in a fit state to play) and slink away into the stratosphere looking for stray UFO's.

THE GAME Geelong v Melbourne at Skilled Stadium on Saturday 30 July 2010 at 2.10pm

HEAD TO HEAD

Overall Geelong 122 wins Melbourne 83 wins 2 draws

At Skilled Stadium Geelong 34 wins Melbourne 17 wins 1 draw

Since 2000 Geelong 12 wins Melbourne 6 wins 1 draw

The Coaches Scott 0 Bailey 0

MEDIA

TV Fox Sports 1 (live)

RADIO ABC774 K-Rock SEN

THE BETTING Geelong to win $1.05 Melbourne to win $8.00

LAST TIME THEY MET Geelong 18.13.121 defeated Melbourne 10..7.67 at Skilled Stadium in Round 10, 2010

The reigning premiers showed no mercy to the young Demons who returned to earth after a visit to tropical Darwin a week earlier. There, they had overcome a longstanding interstate hoodoo but there was no way they were going to overcome their aversion to the narrow confines of Kardinia Park.

The Cats, with Podsiadly, Stokes and Hawkins finding the goals and Gary Ablett and Joel Selwood winning the ball at will, led at every change. Brad Green with three goals and Jordan Gysberts on debut were the best of the Demons.

At least Ablett won't be there on Saturday.

THE TEAMS

GEELONG

Backs David Wojcinski Matthew Scarlett Tom Lonergan

Half backs Andrew Mackie Harry Taylor Corey Enright

Centreline Cameron Ling Joel Selwood Jimmy Bartel

Half forwards Travis Varcoe Tom Hawkins Mathew Stokes

Forwards Allen Christensen Cameron Mooney Steve Johnson

Followers Brad Ottens Paul Chapman Joel Corey

Interchange Mitch Duncan James Kelly Darren Milburn Trent West

Emergencies Josh Cowan Cameron Guthrie Steven Motlop

In Steve Johnson Cameron Ling Cameron Mooney Brad Ottens

Out Shannon Byrnes (calf) Josh Cowan (omitted) Josh Hunt (back) James Podsiadly (facial soreness)

MELBOURNE

Backs James Strauss James Frawley Nathan Jones

Half backs Colin Garland Jared Rivers Daniel Nicholson

Centreline Jack Trengove Jordan Gysberts Colin Sylvia

Half forwards Lynden Dunn Jack Watts Jeremy Howe

Forwards Brad Green Liam Jurrah Addam Maric

Followers Mark Jamar Brent Moloney Luke Tapscott

Interchange Matthew Bate Jordie McKenzie Stef Martin Ricky Petterd,

Emergencies Clint Bartram Max Gawn Tom McDonald

In Liam Jurrah

Out Jamie Bennell

As you can see we're not particularly into the nuts and bolts of a game where only a small number of Demon fans can even get tickets to gain entry to the ground. Of course, there was a time when opposition supporters were welcome at Kardinia Park/Skilled Stadium and WJ recalls those days.

KARDINIA MEMORIES by Whispering Jack

Melbourne's record at Kardinia Park where Skilled Stadium is located wasn't all that bad in the early days when the Geelong Football Club first played its home games on the eastern oval at Kardinia Park. The Cats moved there when their previous home ground, Corio Oval, was requisitioned for military use in 1941 (and just for the record, I wasn't around then).

When the Demons were a power house in the 1950's they rarely lost anywhere so a trip down the highway held no fear for them. Even in the sixties and seventies it was always an enjoyable trip down the Princes Highway to Sleepy Hollow although, if the team lost, the drive home in failing light always seemed to last forever.

I missed the win there on Anzac Day 1983 because the wife went into labour and delivered our daughter the following day. I still remind her of the significance of that birth date - a day after our expensive recruit Kelvin Templeton kicked eight goals and played his only decent game for us in a short and undistinguished career at the club. You have to get your priorities in the right place!

I can't remember much about our next win at Kardinia Park in 1988 but it was to be the last victory for a long, long time. I grew to despise the place over the years when it went through several name changes ending up as Skilled Stadium at some time in the last decade. We simply stopped winning games at the damned place!

During the pre season competition ten years ago (please don't ask me what the comp or the ground was called at the time) Melbourne was drawn to play Geelong at Kardinia Park in a semi final. The Demons had a good team in 2000 and, as I drove down the highway in the direction of the Ford Factory and Corio Bay, I was feeling supremely confident of victory at last. The day was fine and even the obligatory weekend road works that usually clog up the road and turn the drive into an horrific ordeal were missing. However, I should have known something was amiss when I managed to snaffle a parking spot in Moorabool Street immediately outside the gates of the stadium.

They let me into the ground for nothing because there was some doubt about whether the game would start on time, if at all. Turned out that one side of the ground was flooded when an underground pipe burst near a wing. We waited, waited and waited and nothing happened. People wandered around the ground inspecting the surface near the affected area. The PA system kept putting back the start of the game and, when a few of the players walked out, looked at the mess and shook their heads, I knew it was time to toss it in and drive home. At that stage, it was around 3.00 pm and I can truthfully say, the result was never in doubt.

I was cruising past Lara when they announced the game had been called off. The remainder of the return trip was a breeze compared to my many other hard slogs back into town after a heartbreaking defeat at that cursed ground so I was still smiling when I finally got to the front door.

Epilogue: A few nights later, the game was finally played at VFL Park in front of a pitiful crowd and guess what?

We lost, but at least it wasn't such a long drive home.