WHERE TO FROM HERE?

[Demonland 65,368]

The Oracle ponders on life between trade week and the drafts...

WHERE TO FROM HERE? by the Oracle

Now that the Demons have demonstrated their awesome talents once again on the international stage, I hereby declare the football season over.

We've already had plenty of time to get over the exchange period (aka Gold Coast Suns Benefit Week) and there's not much happening elsewhere. The Aussies lost two Tests in India but came home with a swag of gold medals from India, 33 miners were rescued in Chile, the Spring Racing Carnival is under way and, despite the Jurrahcane's hair-raising heroics, the novelty of the Kaspersky Cup Shanghai Showdown is already wearing off less than twenty-four hours after the event. Mind you, I attribute this to the pathetic, pixellated and tragic excuse for vision of the match that local supporters were treated to over here. Here's an example of that:-

We have to come to terms with the fact that there's no footy in sight for months unless we're prepared to endure the heat and humidity of Darwin in summertime and I'm not counting as footy the nonsense they are due to play next week at the aptly named Croke Park in Dublin.

The only footy fix available in the near future for the diehard fan is the National Draft set to take part on the Gold Coast but even that's exactly a month away.

So where to from here?

Surely, for those of us who aren't racing fans, there's more to look forward to than the odd snippet about a club announcing its delistings? I mean, apart from the Jordan McMahon announcement, did any of us shed a tear when we discovered this week that the Bombers had cut Jason Laycock loose or that the Tigers had dispensed with Alroy Gilligan?

I concede we're all waiting with bated breath to discover who the Demons will be delisting to make room on their list for some more picks in this year's drafts but there's precious little else that concerns me other than the fate of Travis Johnstone and the location of the particular Brisbane River bridge under which he'll be taking residence when they finally break the news to him.

Other than that, the most exciting news we're likely to hear about is that of the appointment of the odd new assistant coach, the posting of various clubs' profits and losses and the inevitable drunken spree (or worse) of a player all of us hope and pray is not on our team's list.

On an official level, the action continues on Friday week when the clubs must provide what's called "list lodgement one". Please don't ask me what that means but included are rookie promotions to the primary list, other rules relating to retained second year and third year rookies, scholarship players and international scholarship players and a raft of rules relating to Gold Coast players. It wouldn't surprise me if the AFL aren't still making up those rules as we go along so don't be surprised to discover that James Frawley and Jack Riewoldt have suddenly become Gold Coast Suns players under rule 69.2 (we can do what we want to because we can).

A week later on November 5, its time to get a few more formalities out of the way. This is the deadline for out of contract listed primary list players (e.g. if a Brad Miller wishes to nominate to be drafted) and for new or expired (after three years) draft nominations.

The same date is the deadline for clubs that hold compensatory selections for loss of uncontracted players to the Gold Coast Suns to nominate whether they will use them in this year's draft or defer their use for future drafts. Given that the selections will be so much better in future uncompromised drafts, one wonders whether many will be used if any at all.

The following week sees more deadlines for another list lodgement, delisted primary list draft and non-retained rookie draft nominations and priority zone selections from Queensland and NT.

During that time you will be bombarded with names, faces and You Tube highlights as well as a litany of quaint phrases describing prospective draftees. To help you through this period I've dug out an old Demonland favourite from an unknown but wise author.

DRAFT TALK by Anonymous*

In anticipation of the upcoming draft, this guide may help you decipher those draft profiles and club recruiters' assessments of their selections.

Here is what they really mean when they say:

"Outside player with good pace" - A receiver, afraid to get his jumper dirty.

"He's a real athlete" - He's played mostly basketball or soccer. Absolutely no idea about footy.

"Quick hands" or "Great vision" or "Has footy smarts" - Slow.

"He's an elusive type" - Like a frightened rabbit.

"Great goal sense and finishing skills" - Has never handballed in his life.

"He's a burst player" - Unfortunately it's just the one burst.

"Has skills, needs to work on his fitness" - Will be a blimp before season's end.

"He has a great upside" - He has an even greater downside.

"Tremendous work ethic and a great competitor" - Tries hard, no skills though.

"Solid citizen, from a good family" - Private schoolboy.

"Natural forward" - Has never tackled, shepherded or manned up in his life.

"Raking left-foot kick" - Complete dud on his right.

"Suited to a tagging role" - He can run and hold a jumper at the same time.

"He will add to our depth" - We needed someone to practice tackling on

"He's a bit of a punt, but we needed a third ruckman" - "Did you know that this kid is 200cm tall?"

"We believe he has unlimited potential" - We've never seen him play, but his draft camp profile sounded good.

"He is a Trent Croad type player" - My wife likes the look of him.

"We were sure he would be taken by St Kilda" - He'll be arrested for public drunkenness before the year is out.

"He has the knack of being able to produce something out of nothing" - Unfortunately he also has a habit of producing nothing out of something.

"A very disciplined old-fashioned defender" - Hasn't thought laterally in his life.

"We had him listed in our top 3" - Either 16 other clubs don't know what they are doing, or we severely overrated him.

"He has played down back, in the midfield and up forward" - He's too small to play key position, too slow to play on the wing, and too unfit to play on the ball.

"He is a fine cricketer, having represented Western Australia at U17 level this year" - He is a fine cricketer, having represented Western Australia at U17 level this year.

"Lightly built ruckman" - He weighs as much as my sister.

"He is the best NSW player on offer" - He may as well be the best Ethiopian player on offer.

"The most impressive tall player at the Draft Camp" - You should have seen the rest of the hacks.

"We can't believe we got him at 52" - We haven't seen the X-rays or spoken to his parole officer yet.

"He is the son of a former club legend" - We are hoping his dad will start attending club functions again, speak to the President without swearing and sign some jumpers for our marketing department.

* I have no idea where this gem came from but I love it.