Earl Hood

Uncle, as they say every cloud has a silver lining, here I am holed up in my Wet Tropics rainforest hideaway with Conchita, North of The Daintree basking in 28 degree temperatures and humidity. Certainly better here than freezing my you know what's in Melbourne. My Fitzroy and Surf Coast bastions have been overrun by Asian looking ruffians demanding money for what do you know why? So I have retreated North and as you can see I have gone undercover in disguise. For the record there has been no word from Hudson since he went to confront the ruffians in Fitzroy, seems like he has taken one for Team Hood! Good man Hudson but he was close to retirement so better him than me as you would understand.

RL has Mr Biccardi still got old Fidel Castro in his sights for retribution? It's been 60 years since the revolution and I think Bicardi, Hershy and the United Fruit Company still want their assets back. The Biccardi building in Havana is a masterpiece of Art Deco architecture.

Just to let DLanders know that I may be off the air for some time. There have been some problems at my Fitzroy Warehouse and I have had to beat a retreat to my Surf Coast enclave. For some reason my Warehouse was invaded by some asian looking types looking for trouble and yelling about some unpaid invoices. I haven't seen Hudson since I sent him to evict them from the premises. I myself being a master of disguise was of course able to slip straight past the thugs and get to the Bentley unscathed. I am not sure what this is all about, they must be Chinese agents seeking the secret essence of Guava formula. I fear Uncle may be involved in this somewhere!

DC we tried to recall him last week but he has "Gone Rogue" on us. Yesterday's audit report has found excessive travel costs, zero evidence of Uncle contacting our prospective franchisees in China and worse still kilos of guava essence are unaccounted for. If he is ODing on G essence that would explain his erratic behavior.

Uncle, glad to hear you are now in Shanghai, one of our better potential markets hey? However on other matters, can you please supply receipts for expenses incurred so far and a list of clients you have presented to? I need to produce a cost benefit report before I feel confident to approach the Board about extending yet further funds to our Chinese marketing venture. As it is I am facing some serious questions from our financial auditors about your expenses Incurred so far and the Chairman has actually caste doubt on your credibility as a sales representative.

No transplant BB, prolific hair re growth is one of the side effects of using Guava paste, just rub the magic G paste into the scalp twice a day and yeah, yeah, we have advanced hair! Obviously Uncle has been using my marketing samples of G powder meant for China on his own head, unbeknownst to my good self who has just sent off a money advance to him in China. God knows what he is actually selling to the locals.

Uncle, 1000 Bitcons sent through to your account as requested. Spend them wisely.

Dear me I fear it may be Uncle B you refer to Moons. If so I am sure this is a complete misunderstanding. Uncle was transporting several kilos of Guava powder on my behalf as part of a major marketing exercise I am undertaking in China to promote the health enhancing qualities of guava powder, just add water and you have the magic of G paste! As for the bottles of Shiraz I think that is the norm for Uncle on a long haul flight, a bottle an hour.

Ernest I am sure Demon fans were arrogant and born to win in the 50's and early 60's. if you hadn't been galavanting around places like Cuba with the likes of Fidel and Che in the late 50's you would know this!

RL I envy you and suspect you are doing better than my cruise last year to New Caladonia on the Pacific Gastro!

Yes BJ I have found the all new Soylent Green, "now with more girls", to be absolutely delicious!

All the post match talk is very depressing, can we change the subject? Bananas, guava paste sales for instance? Maybe an update on how the Gatt is going? Anything will do.

I have watched most of the first 4 seasons. My wife loves the series, I quite like it. My main gripe is that the concept for the series so easily could have been based on real history rather than fantasy. If anyone has ever read any medieval history from about 900 AD to 1200 AD involving the Normans, the Byzantine Empire and their Varangian Guard, the Arabs and assorted other barbarian tribes from Central Asia and you have a story of conflict that is equal to or better than anything you might see on GoT. But that is just me I prefer some historical perspective rather than pure fantasy.

I am looking forward to the Olympic demonstration sport of women's beach totem tennis this year at Rio. I reckon it will be riveting stuff to watch! I believe we have a pretty good team and are a medal chance but apparently the Latvians and Estonians are setting the standard. Russia won't be there as they have been banned, after testing positive at last year's World Championships, played in Qatar.

Please enough of all this wild conjecture. I will state categorically that all the products in the Hood Institute of Wellness range of health products are 100% HACCP certified, that includes my "essence of guava" that is proven to reverse male pattern baldness and my special guava paste, krill and Horney Goat Weed formula that is proven to improve your skin, memory function and male sexual performance! And yes to quell the scurrilous rumours that are circulating there was an incident involving one of our guava paste production units. This is part of an ongoing investigation so cannot comment further, only to add that Hudson has decided to take up an opportunity in our Havana office as of last week.

I have just completed a comprehensive task risk assessment and a triple bottom line analysis of my proposed Cairo to Constantinople odyssey. Looks like it is dead in the water. Can't find an insurer to take us on I am afraid. I am now proposing a boat trip from Cairo to Constantinople. How we actually get to Cairo is still worrying me but leave it with me.

Yes this has now become a problem, how do we safely get to the starting point, Cairo! I may have to bring forward the starting date of the tour because we may now have to go by boat to Port Said, that will mean we have to leave about a month earlier than first thought. I am also determined to push on from Constantinople to meet up with Hemingway and Uncle Bitters in Spain in time for the running of the Bulls! This is turning into a logistical nightmare I admit. Anyone heard from Bossdog by the way, I had him pencilled in to be forward point for the tour through Syria to pick up on the odd IED before our tour arrives.

Don't worry DC we will meet plenty of Bedouins on our grand Cairo to Constantinople tour. We are due to head off in August, a balmy 45C by day, so bring the sun screen. I hope you are reading up on your Middle Eastern medieval history for our tour.

Sorry for the delayed response to your post, Uncle. It has been a very busy few weeks lately. In terms of my company, the much lauded "Hood institute" I have had to institute a reshape of our organisation to promote the new talent and move on the older, shall we say, old talent, if you get my drift. Look it is obvious that the Hood Institute needed to refresh the company gene pool and we must stop working in silos. The Hood Institute needs to be an agile and innovative organisation at all costs, so our mantra is change is never ending. It is part of our DNA, unless it involves me and my annual bonus of course. It also means having some challenging conversations with Parker and Hudson that maybe they should look at other opportunities while Conchita is the obvious future for the institute given her people skills and I think she speaks English as well. That would be a bonus. As as for our travel odyssey, yes Bossdog, DC and I have so far signed up for the Cairo to Constantinople trac so it will take sometime.

Julia Zemiro versus the Bristle Taylor? Forget the cat I love Julia and come to think of it Calliope and Dami.

DC Dami is on now have a look, she has talent.

Too busy following the Eurovision finals Maple. Calliope from Macadonia is on at the moment, she has me totally mesmerised and she has a reasonable voice as well. Our girl is due up next after the Lithuanian pretty boy.

Just hope Brock McLean doesn't log on here!

If he is off home what would we get for him? MFC don't have the option to shop him to the highest bidder, they have to deal with his potential request to go home to Freo with the only other bidder being WC maybe. What does Freo think they need to pay for him, their first rounder maybe or maybe not? We will get something just not sure it will be equitable. At the end of the season I would demand an answer from Hogan, if we get the same rubbish response about needing to just concentrate on his footy, just start negotiations with Freo while they have a low pick and get this sideshow over and done with. We have some young talent at the club now and we need players fully committed to the cause, not young forwards holding the club to ransom.

Off to see The Cure on the 28th of July at Rod Laver. Should be fun, hope there are a few songs from their Disintegration Album.