What The List Managers Really Said

[Demonstone 22,322]

Disclaimer:  This is not my own work.  It was sent to me and was written by Pevster, a Bomberblitz poster.

Adelaide’s List Manager:
“We are so excited to welcome Rankine. We went all out to woo him, even going to the trouble of inviting every single listed player besides Taylor Walker when formally presenting to him. Despite our best efforts, there was no movement on Matt Crouch, whilst there remains no movement from Fisher McAsey, especially on the football field. Unfortunately, a mega trade we were deeply involved in broke down, that would have seen James Rowe end up at the Bulldogs and Taylor Walker end up at One Nation.”

Brisbane’s List Manager:
“It’s great getting two players of the calibre of Dunkley and Gunston who will seamlessly fit into our best 22, especially, since it comes at the expense of losing stalwart, Mitch Robinson, who can’t count to 22. Some are wondering how a top team like us can afford these quality players within the constraints of a salary cap. I can report that this was possible due to several senior players taking a haircut. Rhys Mathieson apologises for administering said impromptu haircut.”

Carlton’s List Manager:
“A bit like the last few minutes in each of our last 5 games, we went missing this trade period. We formally said farewell to Liam Jones, who is vaccine-hesitant, but were able to keep Paddy Dow who is Sherrin-hesitant. Some were surprised that we let go of Liam Stocker, who suffers from performance anxiety, and Will Setterfield who suffers from non-performance. The two clubs who are without a coach at present have sought our advice as until recently, we haven’t had a coach for the better part of the last 2 decades. ”

Collingwood’s List Manager:
“We see ourselves as the family club as evidenced by helping Ollie Henry reunite with his brother and the Brown brothers reunite with Centrelink. Brodie Grundy, who is an elite ruckman, had to go as his skills affected the confidence of our other rucks and his lack of prominent tattoos was out of step with what we are trying to develop. We are grateful that Jordan De Goey agreed not only to stay with the club but to accept our terms, as consent is not exactly his strong suit. I am happy to announce that Bobby Hill is recovering well from his recent cancer diagnosis and the coach is recovering slowly from the shocking reality that McStay is now a Pie. Mitchell will come to the club with his back-ended contract, where he will be greeted by Carmichael and McCreery who have a front-ended automobile. We have been able to secure NDIS funding for both Mason Cox, who is legally blind, and our cheer squad who is legally incoherent. I can announce that Peter Alexander dressing gowns have signed on as a major sponsor for our Supreme Court apparel. Please stay tuned later tonight as Isaac Quaynor and Jack Ginnivan host a live TikTok where they will rate the draftees and their partners out of ten.”

Essendon’s List Manager:
“What most people don’t realise is that initially Bowes was set on coming to us, but our board decided to pull the plug on the deal when they found out that pick 7 once attended church. Setterfield and Weideman fit perfectly into our underperforming and vanilla demographic. Weideman will have to fight for a spot in our best 22 with our other key position forwards, Alwyn and Jayden Davey. Brad Scott was adamant that he did not want a quick fix so we extended Heppell’s contract. Sydney asked about reliable ruckman Phillips, so we saw it as an opportunity to give them Francis instead. We consulted with the AFL in the forlorn hope that we could get free agency compo for losing Conor McKenna due to him playing for the club for 6 years and parking his car at the club for another 2. In response to our lacklustre trade period, the club can announce that they are marking up the price of club jackets at the Bomber Shop by 15%.”

Fremantle’s List Manager:
“Yes, we did lose a raft of players such as Logue, Tucker and Acres but we gained Jackson, who we think will play all of those roles simultaneously. As part of our pitch to Jackson, we told him that we see him as more than just a ruckman but also an inside midfielder, CEO, club director and taxidermist. O’Meara was persuaded by the “go home factor”, whilst Liam Henry is staying because of the “no one will have me factor.” Josh Corbett appeals as an undersized forward as we realised to our horror that all of our current forwards were ideally sized. ”

Geelong’s List Manager:
“Wow! What a busy trade period! Eyebrows were raised with our interest in Bowes, with many accusing us of using Bowes to get to pick 7. That accusation is hurtful and defamatory. The truth is, we have long had an interest in Bowes. Our VFL coach has been a strong admirer of Bowes and joined a delegation of VFL players such as Sam Simpson in order to sell him on the merits of our VFL program. It was reported that Gazza and Danger were big advocates of Bowes. That is not exactly accurate. I asked them about Bowes but they misheard and thought I said Bont. It now turns out that they think Bowes is rubbish. Some were surprised that we went for a youngster like Ollie Henry. We saw it more of a case as a package deal of Henry brothers with both of their ages combined fitting perfectly into our age demographic. We realise that Ollie Henry suffers from severe homesickness. We found him an apartment 5 minutes walk from his parents' place but we are worried that this isn’t close enough to his folks to fix the problem. Tanner Bruhn gets his desired outcome after ringing us every day for the past 2 years. I’m proud to announce that our club is committed to taking on every recommendation stemming from the Royal Commission into Aged Care. "

Gold Coast’s List Manager:
“As the AFL-endorsed feeder club for Geelong, we were thrilled to win the Premiership this year. It took years of collusion to achieve this and we look forward to continuing the association in the years to come. Bowes has been called the fabric of the club. This simply isn’t true, as all the fabric was used on Stuart Dew’s club polo shirt. We were excited to get Berry from Brisbane until it turned out we asked for the wrong one. Whilst we were happy to welcome Ben Long, we were very disappointed to lose Rankine to the Crows after we had long earmarked him for a spot on the Cats’ list. Now that the trade period is over we are all systems go for next year. We have already held preliminary talks with Geelong to trade next year’s first pick and Noah Anderson for Jeremy Cameron’s cow.”

GWS’s List Manager:
“We decided we were too stocked for inside mids so we traded them all out. Tanner Bruhn should make a seamless transition to life back home as he never actually unpacked his suitcase. We see Toby Bedford and Bobby Hill as like for like, as they both haven’t achieved anything, and probably never will. We traded up to get Aaron Cadman who we see as a Jeremy Cameron clone, in that we see him developing here before being cheaply traded to another club so he can win a flag."

Hawthorn’s List Manager:
“With WorkSafe launching a fresh probe after the horrific racism allegations we were worried we would lose Amon, but as it turns out, Amon is from Port Adelaide, so he is used to a toxic workplace environment. It’s no secret that O’Meara and especially Tom Mitchell wanted out. The latter’s relationship breakdown came about due to Sam Mitchell’s jealousy due to Tom actually earning his Brownlow. Cooper Stephens, a midfielder, now gets to join a club with absolutely no midfield and Lloyd Meek gets to join a Hawthorn list that is very meek."

Melbourne’s List Manager:
“Once we realised that Jackson was not going to recommit we sounded out Grundy. We did our due diligence over whether Grundy would fit into our team’s dynamic by getting Steven May really drunk and waiting to see if Grundy knocks him out. With Bedford leaving, we may look at Brayden Ham to fill the all-important vest-wearing position. We only agreed to trade out Weideman on the condition we got to replace him with another rubbish key position player with a Germanic surname. We were keen to bring in Lachie Hunter who spent time out of the team due to personal reasons and Josh Schache who spent time out of the team due to mediocrity reasons. An ambitious trade with Brisbane didn’t eventuate that would have seen Brisbane offering one of their early picks in exchange for a guarantee that Dayne Zorko won’t make any of our players cry.”

North Melbourne’s List Manager:
“Losing Jason Horne-Francis was a massive shock. We thought the current lack of a coach would appeal to him as it meant he could continue to be unaccountable and unprofessional. By trading him, we made the statement that we only want players who want to play for us. That’s why we looked into cutting our roster to four players. Trading the number 1 pick is a no-brainer as our recruiters are hopeless when it comes to that pick … or any other pick for that matter. A thorough medical examination determined that Darcy Tucker’s body may hold up and a separate medical examination determined that Jared Polec is still alive. We have a specific role in mind for Griffin Logue. Basically, it’s the overpaid, underachiever role that Tarryn Thomas played so well this year. On Tarryn, reports that he is unhappy is of course incorrect. In fact, Tarryn was only too happy to change his SIM card. Hearing that Clarko is a fan of good distributors, Wayne Carey has volunteered to distribute crushed-up anti-inflammatory tablets to whoever needs them.”

Port Adelaide’s List Manager:
“We were so relieved to get Jason Horne-Francis over the line. We were worried he’d never leave North. There was deep concern that his step-father’s experiences in prison would help Jason to cope at Arden Street. Whilst we are sad to lose Karl Amon who is an elite gut runner, we are happy to bring in Junior Rioli, who has an elite gut. We are reasonably confident our recent sponsor signing of Flex Seal will enable us to put Fantasia back together again.”

Richmond’s List Manager:
“We managed to get our hands on both Hopper and Taranto which we see as a triumph. Now we just have to get Dusty to keep his hands to himself. Hugo Ralphsmith was reluctant to go to GWS, preferring instead to share the ball with them next time the sides meet.”

St. Kilda’s List Manager:
“We were desperate for De Goey. Not only did we offer him a contract without any behaviour clauses, but we also encouraged him to continue to misbehave. We carefully selected a bunch of disgraced, scandal-ridden Saints identities to persuade him to move over. The group invited to pitch to Jordan consisted of Simon Lethlean, Brad Crouch, Barry Hall, Stephen Milne, Andrew Lovett, Jake Carlisle, the St Kilda schoolgirl and the dwarf on fire. Like Max King from 5 metres out straight in front, we just missed! Zaine Cordy, we hope will be able to stand up in defence better than he stands up after Mad Monday.”

Sydney’s List Manager:
“To prove to our deflated players that things could be worse than an embarrassing Grand Final thrashing, we brought in Aaron Francis. We are grateful that Sam Reid has agreed to stay on to play the first half of every game. We have recently agreed to an in-principle deal with Chad Warner’s management, which would see him stay on for 5 years, with the club getting back a percentage of the gross of his next home video.”

West Coast’s List Manager:
“We think a slide from pick 2 to pick 8 will complement the side’s likely slide from 17th to 18th. Whilst it is sad to lose Junior Rioli who basically hasn’t played any football for two years, we managed to retain Witherden and SPS who haven’t played any football for their entire career.” 

Western Bulldogs’ List Manager:
“It took a while but we finally got the Lions to pony up, allowing us to get Lobb who looks like a stallion but plays like a pony. We were over the moon that Lobb requested to come to us and we look forward to helping him facilitate a trade in 12 months when he inevitably requests to be traded somewhere else. Bringing in Liam Jones should not be seen as the club not being serious about vaccinations. We are very clear on our support of the jab with many of our players getting booster injections and Caleb Daniel getting a booster seat. Attempts to get Bailey Smith to extend his current deal have been put on hold as his management has opted to keep the powder dry, especially as it is optimal to snort powder that is dry. We now have an exciting list with Sam Darcy having grown in height by 10% and Libba having grown in blood alcohol level by the same amount.”

[DeeZone 9,704]

A lot to digest and Very funny Demonstone!!

[DubDee 25,689]

Have heard a rumour Geelong are already considering delisting Bowes.

Pick 7 is apparently fitting in very well.  Went surfing with Danger this morning as a matter of fact

[Rodney (Balls) Grinter 10,805]

Lol.   You're (or your?) creative mastery at it's best @Demonstone love your work.

[Demonstone 22,322]

Not my work Mr. Grinter, but an excellent effort from Pevster.

[Gorgoroth 12,924]

Good for a Friday laugh!