Mazer Rackham

There are the camps of the ilk "whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, but by god we're going to have a good crack at the first bit". That's the kind of camp our boys arced up about, as at the previous camp Dom Tyson had a backpack full of bricks fall on his head (or something like that). Faux SAS/marines stuff. Then there are camps all about psychological trauma, like this Crows one. Of course a boofhead like Tex wouldn't recognise it as any different from a good boys weekend at the camp site, minus the fishing rods and eskies of booze.

The camp was run by an outfit known as the "Mankind Project". For a taste of the kind of stuff that goes down at a "Mankind Project" camp, read on, dear 'lander ... My (very) weird weekend with the naked woodland warriors who travel to remote England to 'reclaim their masculinity'

The fact the question even needs to be asked shows what a mess the AFL have made of cut-and-dried reportable incidents. Players' code of honour strikes again. Just like in the olden days. A rigorously unbiased and detached MRO should pay no attention to that. Which means Christian is probably on the phone to Tuohy now, asking if he needed a Panadol or not.

Funnily enough I never had a bad experience at Victoria Park, apart from the usual intimidation, and found Windy Hill the most sinister. But footy supporters are funny creatures. I remember wandering out to the Western Oval one day when the Swans were kicking Fitzroy behind. This was when both teams were terrible. I had imagined (ha! ha! poor fool) some kind of solidarity between two downtrodden supporter groups. Nuh! The Swans were giving it to the Roys like it was at Vic Park with Collingwood 20 goals up on Carlton. God almighty, the air trembled with suppressed violence. And all for a match that meant jack all.

AH-OOGAH! AH-OOGAH! FAKE MELBOURNE SUPPORTER ALERT. ACTION STATIONS. CANCEL ALERT. RESUME NORMAL STATIONS.

It's character building. Or was. So much hostility funnelled from so many toward so few. Some days you were fearful to even clap a goal scored by your own team.

That's how it starts. Of course everyone thinks they can stop whenever they want, but pretty soon you're mouthing off at underage North supporters on a tram just to feel normal. By the time you're putting Nathan Jones' dad in a headlock it's too late for you. Even "chewy on ya boot" is a gateway sledge. Direct your chiacking and catcalling in a socially constructive manner; in other words, at the umpires (eg "how long is it ump" after each goal.) Please take a tartan rug and a thermos of tea, or a cheeseboard, to every match as a reminder of where you've come from, to stay grounded.

But have the umpires??

And Melbourne go back to back! And up on the podium now to collect his medal, is Melbourne premiership hero, Taylor Walker!!!! Enshrined in Melbourne folklore as a premiership hero! For all time!!

Yes, "cowardly" does miss the mark. Going toe to toe against a bloke known to deal out a bit of biffo himself doesn't strike me as "cowardly". Maybe "rash", "impulsive", a bunch of other possibilities, but "cowardly"?

And yet ... you, me, Buddy, the Swans, Gil, every [censored] knew that there actually was a chance the tribunal would pull an "AFL tribunal special" and let him off. So why not?

I'm tempted to say: stick your head up your [censored] [censored].

I can only wonder what an incoming "foreign" AFL CEO, carefully headhunted from afar, would think of this competition. "So some guys can hit guys and get thrown in sports jail, and some guys don't? And this head-is-sacrosanct thing, I kinda get it, but it don't seem so sacrosanct out on the ballpark ..." "So this guy doped his whole team? Like, not just involved in it, but actually thought it up and managed it ... and he's not run outa town? What? He's coaching at another franchise??"

The inside of Weid's mind as the ball comes toward him.

Thank you. I'm getting my good guys and bad guys mixed up.

Next thing you know the AFL will schedule the tribunal hearing out on the MCG as the pre-match entertainment. Will Buddy get off? (A bit like saying, will Indiana Jones get the treasure and the girl?) Stay tuned for the odds with Nathan Brown, and remember, gamble responsibly.

3 cubits or 6 British Thermal Units, depending on which state you come from.

"The tribunal members said they didn't see how Buddy could get off, so we're exploring the legality of replacing them with the Swans cheer squad."

The one we saw live on TV was the deep fake. The real video has Buddy & Cochin singing hymns together in a choir.

Welcome home Saty.

"I love the smell of psychometric tests in the morning .......... some day this headhunt is going to end."

Can he just break out and be a normal forward who takes a couple of grabs, kicks a goal or two (maybe the occasional bag of 4 or 5), and makes his opposition defender work for his keep? As it is, we're playing a man short. Is your watch running a bit slow? There used to be a separate but parallel competition that played its matches right before the main competition match. They used the same jumpers and everything. (If you were really keen you could get to the ground at about 9AM and see 3 games of footy.) If they brought that back, he could play in the match before the main one. Have an early shower, change into trackies and help cut the oranges at half time.

They need to find a biomechanist who will testify that a closed fist is actually the same thing as an open hand, and that Buddy missed, but the wind from his big paws can cause whiplash. That takes time.

When's that stopped them before? Not to mention the MRO discredits himself every second week.

Guidelines are for sporting competitions that aren't arbitrary and borderline corrupt.