Tony Tea

Jeez, I wish we were good enough to tank.

It's called exaggeration, but I think you knew that.

Now you're just being silly. Of course, I've heard him enough to know he's well past his use-by date. He has been on for nearly 30 years, after all.

I don't. As soon as he comes on, I change the station before I wreck my radio.

The Zebras might have won ugly, but that's no excuse for the biased write-up in yesterday's Age. The hack, Chris Walker, must barrack for either Collingwood, Williamstown or both. What a load of tripe:

Greg Champion's songs stopped being funny yonks ago; that's if they were even funny in the first place, which they probably weren't. Now whenever I hear one of his tedious, humourless, crap-whimsy dirges I have to repress an urge to toss the radio against the nearest wall. Guru Bob can eff off, too.

No. Not in a million years.

I can't think of a last round match since the draft was introduced when BOTH sides stood to lose a high pick buy winning. Brisbane dudded themselves in 1998 when they beat St Kilda by a 1pt to go to four and a half wins.

Thanks, Dan. As it happens, I was concerned with the pre-season form, too. So much so, that I tipped us to finish well down the ladder. One of my worries was the Nab game against Hawthorn, where we just couldn't keep the game on our terms, but another concern was our lack of any surprise ingredients. In 2004 Davey managed to get under the guard of a few sides. Then in 2006 Byron was Brownlow Byron early on. Both injections of class/pace, before the other sides woke up, allowed us to kick start our seasons. (Don't ask me what happened in 2005.) And that other issue of yours could well be avoided if we finish the season as poorly as we've finished others - namely lose our remaining games. If that happens, Carlton will win one more and disqualify themselves from the No.1 pick. Round 22 could be be very interesting indeed.

1990 sucked, too. We won 16 games, only 4 points off top, and still finished fourth and outside the double chance. Then the Poys/Illeagles draw stuffed us further. Then Strawbs O'Dwyer flattened Gary Lyon at training. As that noted footy pundit, Dr Zachary Smith, was wont to say "Ohh, the pain!"

What hurts me, more than anything, is not that we've missed our window of opportunity, it's WHO we've lost it to. Sure, we haven't been quite good enough to consider ourselves a solid chance, but for several years now we've been told all we need to do to win a flag is keep presenting as a top four prospect. The more often we were up with the top teams, the more likelihood there was we'd be a chance to snag a flag. Just as long as we continued to make the finals. Now, this year. First we tinker with our style. Instead of fine-tuning last year's style, we tried the run-and-carry. Sure, it was supposed to augment our original game plan, not supersede it, but either way it's been a flop. It was apparent from the first quarter of Round 1 when St Kilda had nine scoring shots to our seven (and numerous OOFs) that we were in deep doo-doo for 2007. We just weren't tough enough to carry the ball into crowded areas and keep hold of it. That was followed by a shed load of injuries, starting with Brocky, our most important mid-fielder, in the second quarter of Round 1. So, just as we think we might be well placed to challenge for the top four, just as we think this could be our year, just as we get out hopes up, we're out of the running in a finals that are the most open they've been for years. Out of the current eight, we are better than Hawthorn, Norf, Port and Footscray at our best. (We should have beaten three of them, anyway.) We'd need to be at our best to challenge the present Geelong, who are burning, but IT IS Geelong, the one team more painful to barrack for than Melbourne; surely, something will go wrong for the Catters. West Coast are struggling and despite their pantsing us in Perth, are vulnerable here. The Sydney Pinks are looming large again, but they are coming from a long way back. Adelaide seem to be timing their run better than last year, but they aren't as imposing as they were at times last year. That leaves Collingwood. Malthouse coaches his teams to win finals. Should the Poys get a break in the finals they will be a major threat. Tony Shaw was right to say they could pinch it. But are we at our best? Are we F**K! And where are we? Virtually stone motherless last and out of the bloody race. You know what I won't be doing this September? Watching football. To have any of those sides scum a flag in the year we decide to go backwards will be too painful for words. Collingwood for obvious reasons. Sydney because the AFL granted them a flag in 2005 with the Hall decision (just compare that joke with Davey's last night). Hawthorn, North and Port because they aren't good enough to deserve one. Geelong and Footscray because that will mean we are one team closer to the team with the longest premiership drought. Adelaide because in their 16 year history luck has already granted them TWO flags. The only less-painful-than-the-rest option is the side that will never stop, stop, stop til they're top, top, top, because I don't know even one Port fan.

What fools are pumping these Connolly odds? I don't know one person who thinks he should coach Melbourne next year. Surely, even the very slightest analysis of his record at Freo would rule him out. If there is any fan gesture more angry than 'burn my membership card' point me in the right direction. Actually, point me at Richmond's stand-by pile of chicken [censored].

And, of course, it's June, too. Double the madness.

May 20th:

Was home by half time, too. Been flicking between John Carpenter's Masters of Horror episode and the Naked Gun, which combined, are almost as horrible and funny as the Demons/Tigers game.

Well, I'll probably feel different tomorrow, but here's my half-time knee jerk: This is the straw that broke the camel's back. The pundits have ummed and ahhed over Daniher's future for a long time now, but after tonight all doubt has been eradicated. No coach can be so comprehensively out-smarted as Neil has been tonight, and hope to keep his job for next year.

Yeah, but if WE try it they'll ping us 50.

I've just finished watching my tape of the game and I was staggered how biased the Ten crew were towards Collingwood. Sure, Christian is a recidivist offender when it comes to bias, but Luke Darcy and Robert Walls were more than content to echo Christian's tone. Only Huddo was able to keep himself in check. And what is Christian doing commentating, anyway? How did he get the gig? He has a crap voice, overdoes adjectives - even the most mundane Collingwood action was "excellent", "clever", "courageous", brilliant", etc - gets things wrong and is, in round terms, a complete dud. Which Ten executive's daughter is he married to?

Thanks, Wallsy.

Adelaide manned up after half-time and forced us to dink it around. They'll be kicking themselves for allowing us a free run in the second quarter.

I gave up on the Fox commentary and listened to the ABC radio one. Sure, Mitchell, Dorra and Judge are biased, but as West Aussies they are up front about it and you expect it. Not so Healy and Clunt. They are supposedly calling for all of us and we shouldn't have to cop their sly bias. And Glen Jakovich isn't just biased, he's a wood-duck. Is the depth in our footy commentary really so low that we have to have the game presented by such a fathead. (Don't answer that.) He's barely adequate for the local Sunday league, let alone the AFL.

Looks like my pre-season ladder tip of 12th was wildly optimistic. Not so my tip of Melbourne being 0-10 after ten rounds. Wasn't 1997 our season from hell? Well, currently we can only dream of four wins. What's worse than hell?

What, you mean "last week's form" against an OK side who we match up with, compared with this week's form against a great side that is infinitely better? No comparison. One day we will play well against a top side. One day. One da.... oh, what's the point?

And by the way, was there even the slightest, stinking doubt that Headland would have a blinder against us for his one good game for the year. A classic McKernan Technique.

It's complete madness to say anything even remotely like "at least we have Richmond in July". They will probably win one game for the year and it's a stone certainty that win will be against Melbourne. We are utter rubbish. If we were even remotely good we would have beaten Port who we always beat in Melbourne and who were off their game two weeks ago. We should have beaten the Bullies who we regularly beat but who did enough to get over us. Now we play a proper side, one that is a dead set contender for the flag, and we are getting spanked like a red-headed step child. It's embarrassing. (But at least it's instructive.) And to put the cherry on top, we make their big namers look good. Motlop chokes against St Kilda, but wins it for Port against us. Typical. Aker hasn't had a kick all year, but nails us with a big last quarter. Typical. Lynch kicked one point last week against Gee-Long, this week the only reason he won't kick a league record (Carroll, who is having a disasterous year, falls over every time they go near the ball) is because he leaves his kicking boot in his glove when he chucks it to the ground. Typical. All this play-them-back-into-form strategy needs is a name: let's call it the McKernan Technique.