Won't happen. They'll leave the game and we'll get worse umpires. No point in humiliating a fool.
1. Make them full time
2. Give them proper noise cancelling headphones
3. Get rid of the earpiece, or play heavy metal in it
4. Tell them to pay what is there, especially in the last 5 mins, without any repercussions
5. Get better technology for the goal line. FCS, it's available!
6. Get their eyes tested every 3 months. Reinstate OPSM as major sponsor
7. Get rid of any umpire that supports or has supported a club (except Melbourne, of course, we wrote the rules)
8. Separate the umpire devision completely from the AFL. No contact at all from HQ, not paid by HQ, fully independent
And pigs might fly...