Ok, Have not done this for a while (did it a bit on ‘ology) but as it is Round 1 of season 2016 I thought I might have a crack at working without the safety net of intelligence or forethought and give you all the benefit of my deep (mirror like depth) footy knowledge and preview the round.

 

First up on Thursday night at the home of the Dees - Tiges Vs Boos.

What a cracker to start the season, the Finals Specialists Vs Mick’s Exs. Wow oh wowie! We will all be hanging on every bounce of the ball. The Tiges are on a hiding to nothing and I think that is a beautiful thing. They win it and we all shrug and say “Yeah. Whatever…. They were always going to win”… they lose it and after we stop laughing at the Tiges we sit back and watch the faithful melt down and warm up the micorwave.

The Boos have a few players… I am sure they do, somewhere, but, for the life of me I cannot recall their names. It will come to me. Yeah that Betts guys, he’s good. ..And Garlett and Waite… what a forward line. Opps. What? Nah, I must have just read the wrong paper.

Prediction: a draw with Jack The Bolt kicking a point with the last kick of the game for the Tiges.

 

Now for the big one: Saturday afternoon at the HOME of FOOTBALL the Mighty Dees take on GWS.

GWS??? GWS??? Seriously, What does that even stand for? I have been to Western Sydney, once, and, believe me, there is nothing  great or greater about the place. GWS.. Got Wet Sometime? Nah, never rains out there. Going With Sister? Maybe.  Anywoo, the game – expect to see the Dees carry on from the end of last season as this is the second half of Round 23 game and we all know we run on during the second half of the game. Cannot give a preview of this game without mentioning Scully, hope that Gawn gives him his customary farewell at the end of the game as they discuss the finer points of Chinese cuisine.

Prediction: Mighty Dees by a couple of goals easing up.

 

Still Saturday afternoon at Metricon Stadium GCFC Vs TDC (The Drug Cheats)

Firstly, it is not a stadium, it’s a stumble in a cow paddock out the back of a blight on the landscape. Now that I have that out of the way let us discuss this matchup.

More chance of me getting pregnant than the Cheats winning this one. End of preview.

I love the Cheats new away strip…. They have decided to play without shorts so that opposing teams do not have to remove them. Will be less painful that way for all concerned.

Prediction: Sons Anything above 80 points

 

Saturday night at “insert sponsor name here” Stadium Norf Vs Cows.

This place should be called the Home of Visiting Interstate Teams, the home away from home you have when you want a nice peaceful night without too many people around.

Look, I know some people care about this game. I am not one of them. There are people that take their footy tipping very seriously and these people will analyse these teams, look at matchups, listen to the coache’s pressers and then take a guess and not think too much more about it. North, the last time they were relevant Carey was locked up in a toilet somewhere discussing plumbing with someone else’s wife. Adelaide are all over the place like a blind man with an epileptic guide dog. No danger (get it?)of them winning this.

Prediction: Norf maybe by 3 goals.

 

Last of the Saturday night games Swannies Vs The Pies.

I really hate the Pies. No rational reason, it was bred into me. It is as natural as breathing. So please read this preview with that bias in mind.

Swannies to pants the bastards and to silence the small number of toothless idiots that travel up to the Other Cricket Ground to watch. About 25% of those that travel up there might actually be smart enough to find their way to the ground. Buddy to kick 10 (he is playing, right?) the rest of the team to kick 10 more and the Pies to carry their tattered pants home in a laundry bag.

Prediction: Sydelly by 5 Goals

 

Now for Sunday… Bulldogs Vs Doggers – I may have misheard that. At The Visitors Home Ground.

Could be the Match of the Round this one, could be…maybe.. With this game my main worry is the commentary team. If Sandy Roberts is involved it could mean mass confusion to anyone watching the game on television. Seriously, he is all over the place like a mad woman’s breakfast. Does not know his ass from his elbow.

Bulldogs exciting to watch. Doggers coached by Ross Lyon. Say no more… nudge nudge,,, Wink Wink..

Prediction: Foot is Gray by a few points.

 

Adelaide Oval (Well done, the ground is in Adelaide and you have the shape right – Batting 1000) Sunday afternoon - Port Adelaide (ignore the teal, they are the other black and white I love to hate.)Vs  Saints.

Put down the glasses. Port is already in front by a long way and the Saints are not going to light up this season. This could be the last run around for St Nick before he shuffles off to the North Pole to resume duties in the long off season of footy retirement. He has been an ornament to the game. Strange phrase that. Heard it a million times about a bunch of footy players and each time I have a visual of a lump of china or brass sitting dusty on a mantelpiece or a shelf somewhere. Not the way I would like to be remembered.

Prediction: Port by plenty

 

Sunday afternoon still - Domain Stadium (no idea where that is) Ex Druggies Vs Lions

One coast vs the other. Long way for Brissy to travel to have their pants handed to them. Cannot see much improvement in Brissy this year and I say that without a thing to back it up except that they have what-his-name as coach and I don’t rate him. The Ex druggies on the other hand have … um…ahh another coach who I rate more than whoever. Therefore I bet you can guess who I like for this one.

Prediction; Yep, you guessed EX Druggies by the width of the Nullarbor

 

Last but not least on Monday afternoon Dorks Vs the Handbaggers  At the mighty G

Dangerfield. There mentioned it and got it out of the way. Geelong to be the big sliders this season and will struggle to make the 8 (don’t take this too seriously folks I am working without a safety net of intelligence and knowledge here). Hawks to wander along untroubled by too much really. Come 5 pm Monday Clarko will shake his head a little and ask himself “Hmmm, what was that?” and a small voice somewhere will answer “The Ghost of Grand Finals Past.”

Geelong will not lose their pants but will lose their way.

Prediction: Dorks by a handy margin

And that is thatt another one done and dusted

 

 

I agree with most of this, but the Thursday night preview is all wrong.  It should read

Quote

Australia to unveil a few new players against the relatively lowly Tajikistan as they bring up a comfortable win.  4-0. 

'Cause really, who gives a Flying Fruitbat about the Tiggers vs the Blues (and no way should they be allowed to name themselves after such good music). 

Well written brother, had multiple giggles

 

Well written brother, had multiple giggles

 

Well written brother, had multiple giggles

 

And multiple replies for no apparent reason

29 minutes ago, RalphiusMaximus said:

I agree with most of this, but the Thursday night preview is all wrong.  It should read

'Cause really, who gives a Flying Fruitbat about the Tiggers vs the Blues (and no way should they be allowed to name themselves after such good music). 

Ya got me there Ralphie. Should have written it up as the Little League curtain raiser for the main game.

Nice work chf, gave me a laugh