Mazer Rackham

Oh right. Maybe they were disadvantaged? So cheating should only be condemned if it works. Got it.

So you think it is possible that Dank/Charter/Hird said "here's some stuff we'd like the players to take. We don't know if it's performance enhancing. In fact it might DETRACT from their performance! But let's stick it in 'em and find out. What's the diff? What's one failed season of footy, it's not like it can affect anyone's career." Here's another possibility for you ... They knew full well it was performance enhancing the whole time.

Doh! Can't the bugger stay at home with his young family instead of going out with his mates all the time?

Bucks: It's the injuries. We can't get a consistent line up on the park. Eddie: Oh, I know, Nathanial. I know. B: We've got some youngsters coming through. Moore is progressing, Aish is starting to show some form. E: I know. You look so handsome tonight Nathaniel. B: It's the unforced errors that are killing us. And some senior players are well down in form just at a time when we need them. E: I know Nathaniel. I know all about ... needing someone ... B: We're going to have to think really hard about trading Cloke. E: Oh let him go! There's only one man I want in *my* team. B: Trouble is we don't have much trade bait apart from him ... E: Oh, Nathaniel! Let's not talk about boring old football! B: We need more skill around the packs but we can't wait for draft p---- what? E: Nathaniel .... kiss me you fool!

Bucks has mastered the art. Under him, the Pies have had fewer wins each year, lower percentage, lower ladder position than the year before. Showing all the sublime skill and super consistency that he did as a player.

I remember that game. Last kick was to a squib called Marshall who performed the most red hot dropping he ball you will ever see in your life. Called as holding the man. Just about ate the bean bag I was sitting on, my mind was blown so bad.

Hey ... Neeld tried that same approach. Only he had such high regard for his players, he did it to all of them. Dunno why it didn't work. Maybe it diluted the excellence too much.

A million dollar forward wouldn't miss the ones that Jesse does. He does need to work on his run up. "It's the ball drop!!!" I hear you scream. The run up is different every single time. His ball drop is variable because of it. He needs to come in off 5 or 7 paces instead of a Wes Hall pushing off the sightscreen run up. He can't reliably kick more than 40 metres, another thing a million dollar forward should be able to do.

It's a place where people smoke and chat and generally laze about dreaming of places with beaches and sunshine.

Yes, but have you got a giant ferris wheel overlooking an industrial area?

It would work better on Yahoo Answers. "Q. OMG my fave player is LEAVING do you think he will leave or not???" "A. If he tries to leave tap him on the nose and say NO. If he tries again tap him again. Eventually he'll get the message. Don't forget to reward him with a long term contract when he gets it right."

I see it now. The MFC wants him to go to Freo! That's why Roos is leaving. To take up the reins at Freo. That's why Lyon is deliberately losing those games. So Freo can sack him to clear the path for Roos and Hogan. This is all the work of umpire Pannell. I see it now.

Wouldn't be Karl "worst CHF since Craig Starcevic" Langdon doing the talking would it? He's now got a vested interest in Hogan leaving.

Yes, and Viney's re-signing was an obvious ruse. I mean he never posted the contract on here did he???

For your heresies you are hereby outcast from the Nervous Nellies and Chicken Littles Society (A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of the MFCSS Society).

One thing that has helped us is the new low-interchange fast flowing style of play. The rolling maul, seagulls fighting over a chip style played for the last few years ... we just weren't very good at it. Whereas Freo were experts at it. That rugby maul style was near unwatchable. God, it was the opposite of entertainment. Even leaving out that we weren't winning. Now it's consigned to the dustbin of history and our players are loving it.

We're doing exactly what we need to do, which is win games and generally be on an upward trajectory. To be a club where any player would want to be. Beyond that it's out of our hands and not worth worrying about.

Hint: fairest and best. That's why. Add Matthews, Barassi, Whitten, etc to the list. The real mystery is how Dipper managed one.

How about: we have an exciting list finally coming together and believing in each other and ready to charge up the ladder, and he's an integral part of that. Versus going to Freo just in time for their plummet down the ladder, the vampire Lyon having sucked all the football life out of their decrepit list.

(Scene: A luxury suite at AAMI park. Jesse Hogan reclines on a golden couch. Jack Grimes and Viv Michie are standing by, stripped to the waist, waving huge feathered fans. Daisy Pearce and Jess Trengove are feeding grapes into Hogan's mouth. Paul Roos, Simon Goodwin, Josh Mahoney and Todd Viney are kneeling in front of the couch.) Viney: Jesse, we PROMISE to become an elite club. We PROMISE! JH: Oh yes? Now where have I heard that before? Goodwin: Jesse, we're doing EVERYTHING we can to get there! JH: Everything, you say? I recall last week my ostrich steaks were distinctly overdone! When I ask for rare, I mean cold on the inside. No one here knows how to cook ostrich to perfection. Roos: Jesse, don't do this to us. We've got Petracca, we've got Brayshaw, we've got Oliver ... what more can we do? JH: Oh, I don't know ... perhaps KICK THE BALL TO ME from time to time? Goodwin: Jesse, we're TRYING. We really are! But if they double team you --- JH: Trying. You Eastern States guys don't know the meaning--- Where's Jackson? Roos: You ... you mean PJ? JH: I was told that Jackson would be here. Viney: But Jesse, he's out of town at the-- JH: So that's another broken promise. When I speak to Fremantle, their CEO is always there, and he always gives me lavish presents! Did you see the last one? My new Mercedes? I don't even drive! (sighs) No one here knows how to cook ostrich properly. The Western Australian climate is perfect for ostriches, you know. Roos: We can buy you an ostrich farm, Jesse. Buy you a farm and ship the ostriches in! At our expense! JH: It's not the farm, you fool. It's the luxury. Thing is, I don't even like ostrich. Ostriches are so last week. My new favourite thing is ... hmmm ... Roos: Jesse, tell us! Just tell us your new favourite thing! We'll get it for you! Mahoney: We'll get you ten of them! JH: Silence! (There is instant silence.) JH: Now here's the team for Saturday. I want Kent Oliver Harmes and Bugg in and playing forward. Kennedy and Garlett can have mysterious injuries. I don't want them stealing any of my goals. Keep that horrible McDonald away from me. And that other tall fellow. I don't want to see them outside the defensive fifty. Keep Gawn away from me too. I'll do the forward ruck work AND kick all the goals. No interchange. And do something about those godawful umpires! Mahoney: But Jesse, that will-- JH: I can always have my manager be seen in a discreet meeting in a Fremantle coffee shop ... All: Yes, Jesse. JH: Now go. I will summon you at my convenience. All: Yes, Jesse.

I'd been planning to wait until a disappointing loss, where JH trudges off the ground without smiling. But now's a good time too!

OD, you know the answer to that already.

Don't drink the whiskey! And don't put your thumb over the lens when you're photographing the list of spies.

He's a Vic who played for SA in the state of origin!

Yep. If he's saying this kind of stuff in 12 months time, then it's time to panic. But not before.