Mazer Rackham

In days of yore, we had to do that. Shirts vs skins. Of course some days it was so effin' cold it didn't matter even if you had a shirt on or not.

And from AFL headquarters of all places. This Steve Hocking may be a breath of fresh air. If the AFL made their umps professionals, it might be more attractive to ex-players of all standards as a viable way of staying in the game.

When coaches and clubs start jumping up and down that there are jumper clashes and it could cost someone a flag!!! then I will believe it is an issue. Until then it just the typical AFL bullsh!t inconsistency and making it up on the run. The last time I heard clubs grumbling was when the AFL themselves engineered a clash between us and the umpires!

Round 3, 2017 Round 20, 2017

They didn't have D&Ms and counselling sessions with the players at stoppages either. "Nathan .... Nathan .... Nathan ... give me the ball please. Nathan .... give me the ball please. Nathan ..." "Dustin ... move one metre back please. Dustin ... Dustin ... move one metre back please ... Dustin ..." They hardly spoke to them at all. No flapping around. Don't give the ball back = free. Don't move back = free. Now it's like they're trying to talk the drunk guy at the pub out of decking them using the skills they learnt at their effective communications course at the CAE.

Ray's stature is such that he likely to be a future umps director. I am not encouraged.

The AFL. The mob who knee-jerked a new rule, the deliberate behinds rule, when it wasn't really needed. The mob who responded to (sarcasm alert) public outrage, letters to the editors, speeches in parliament, and public demonstrations about players abuse of deliberate out bounds, by cracking down like a ton of bricks on it. Hard as nails, these AFL bosses. The mob who have managed to do three quarters of FA about a genuine issue, throwing the ball. Why no crackdown on that? The mob who have managed and counter-managed holding the ball and head-high tackles to the point where when the ump blows the whistle, no one knows what decision has been paid and why. Even the players. The mob where the umpires director doesn't seem to know what the rules are, and expects umps to make decisions in spite of that. (Ray, maybe you've earned your blankie, mate.) The mob who have mangled the MRP process to where it's chooklotto. These are the ones who are about to decide that the bounce will play no part in our great game. Well done AFL. Another winning decision. At least we've got cheaper chips! The game of Australian Rules Rugby has never been in better hands.

Maybe instead of trying to kill the bounce, Ray should be asking the AFL for blankies.

Jesus! I bet all those crooked bounces cost someone a premiership!!!!! Funny how we've never heard any complaints.

Check your palms every so often to make sure they're not growing hair.

The AFL. These are the people with their hands on the controls of our game. It's so obvious to not require "nominations" ... just say, only one of your players goes up and if you can't get that right, you give away a free. With the 1m rule, you could have a "bounce down", so the contesting "ruckmen" don't know for sure where the ball is going, and decide to stand a little way apart to advantage themselves, and give themselves a "runup" so as to help them "leap at" the ball and get one up on the opponent. But no, the AFL know better. Another one is the deliberate behinds rule. Bad rule, with bad compensations on top making it even worse.

The current AFL admin, with their hands on the controls of our game, are about to balls it up again. Pun intended. There used to be this thing ... the art of ruckwork ... a unique position, with a unique skill set. And apart form making our game different, it was another thing to watch and enjoy ... like pack marking .... like a leading full forward ... like two centremen playing man on man for 120 minutes ... as the two ruckmen had to contend with a ball that doesn't go perfectly vertical, and bounces to a different height each time, so they had to judge where and when it was going to go, and get to it, and tap, palm, or punch the ball to their teammate. Some ruckmen were beanpoles. Some were big fat buggers. Some had mighty leaps. Some were practically nailed to the ground. Various kinds but they all had this beautiful thing, the art of ruckwork, at their disposal. Because of their misguided "fixing" of rules that required no fixing, the AFL have watered down this skill set gradually to the point where it is nearly non existent. Now it will be a totally predictable tipoff. Totally predictable means every ball up will be a set play, which means more players in their assigned position ready to charge in the moment leaves the ump's hand, which equals more congestion. Just what the game needs. well done AFL. Will their poor arms drop off because of the amazing physical impact of throwing up this odd shaped thing? Why haven't we heard of boundary umps hospitalised with dislocated arms? They give it a hell of a heave. Possibly because some rules of the game, which made having a ruckman in your lineup an advantage, have been altered bit by bit over years. If the AFL are going to remove every variable from the game, anything which "might cost someone a grand final!!!!!", then they might as well simulate the whole thing on computers and send the results out on twitter. Save a heap of dosh on player payments. Season can go for 34 rounds too. I seem to recall Eleni doing a pretty good job of bouncing the ball .It's not like it requires incredible strength. Watch a female golf pro hit the ball. They can really spank it and no one would call them "strong". Fit and well skilled, yes. "Fit" and "well skilled" are things that are within a lot of peoples' reach, particularly if they are full time professionals with the time to devote to fitness and honing their skills. (Spot the glaring red flag.) Bouncing the ball is a skill that the AFL have allowed to atrophy over the years, to where it is now almost terminal. Like an endangered species with two breeding pairs left. It's probably going to die out because it may now be too late for remedial action. Watch replays of old. One and two umps bouncing the ball all over the ground, all match, on surfaces nowhere near as consistent and of good quality as today. Incredibly, they didn't end up hospitalised with their arms falling off due to the impossible physical demands of bouncing a wet muddy ball all day long. And they didn't recall it if it didn't go straight up. It was up to this facet of the game, the art of ruckwork, to come in to play to anticpate, allow for , and counter this imperfect flight of the bounced ball. A beautiful thing. Now to be another football dodo and another regression of our game towards hybrid rubgy.

Arctin, the God of Player Movements, has looked upon us with benevolence in recent years. A few prayers might have him send Sloane our way. As opposed to Stormbung, the evil God of the End of Season Draft (and of High Priced Chips), who afflicted us with curse after curse for a number of years. This year we have sacrificed Jack Watts to Nar-bing, the God of Ladder Position, to see if we can rise up into the finals. Here's hoping! Go Nar-bing! Go Demons!

The old man is the MFC. Living on past glories and not taken seriously by the rest of the fishing (footy) community. His last trip out to sea is the MFC stocking up on high draft picks, hoping against hope for the big one that will redeem all. The marlin is Jack Watts. A magnificent specimen, but can the MFC get him back to shore (land a flag) and reap the glory? As you may recall, the marlin is gradually eaten away by sharks until it is but a skeleton. In a little-known and rarely read final chapter, the skeleton goes on to work in another fishing port and catches the winning after-the-siren tuna to mark the old man's final humiliation.

The tatts and moccies he acquires in Port, or more likely, Elizabeth, will be all for show and to cover up his true allegiance.

Jack is red and blue all the way through. Knowing that such an event was not only possible, but inevitable, he would drop himself to the SANFL the Thursday before.

Reckon a fit Vanders has it all over a fit Kent. Kent has shown his potential. Has the talent, now needs to show the application. Easy equation.

Forty plus blokes on the list and then there are all the support staff. Not everyone is going to like everyone. In every club there will be players who don't like the coach, or don't like the captain, or don't like the fitness guy, or, or, or .... It's in losing clubs where we hear about it. GCS, Brisbane. Whispers coming out of North now. Winning has an amazing way soothing the dissent and keeping it at trace levels. We see it in political parties. They are periodically "in turmoil" and riddled with "infighting" ... until the moment they win an election. Suddenly they are unified and all happy campers.

F**KING HELL I just heard a rumour on D-land that he broke it and its nearly detached! Just dangling there on the end of his leg!

How about someone accuses someone else of being a Nazi or fascist? Or accuses a public figure of criminal behaviour. Those are good reliable thread enders.

Doesn't that depend on the size of their ... erm ... "fang"?

Inflation OD. It's up to 6 cents now and we're spending our last cent.

I heard some logic that the Lever deal was bad because we gave up next year's first rounder which we could spend on a proven quality player. Well, that's what we did this year!! Why sit on our hands for a year? Patton: a good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed next week.

You sure he's a real marine biologist? "The sea was angry that day, my friends."

But can we trust you Chewy? We've been hurt before. We're not ready to commit to a relationship with some new rumourmonger. Don't disappoint us. I don't think we could take being hurt one more time. Let's just be friends.