ULTIMATUM TO DEMONS FANS

"THE AFL has sent a simple message to fans of beleaguered club Melbourne - turn up or miss out."

MELBOURNE ON A SLIPPERY SLOPE

"Chief executive Paul McNamee said this week it was the most important night in the club's history. 'Tonight is a platform to get together and draw the line in the sand and say now is the time to move forward and articulate what we stand for in terms of the future,' he said. 'We will celebrate the past and then we look forward.' "

POOR CROWD COULD COST DEMONS RIGHTS TO BLOCKBUSTER

"FAILURE to entice 60,000 spectators to Monday's match against Collingwood could cost Melbourne the rights to the lucrative Queen's Birthday fixture."

CAROLINE WILSON ON MELBOURNE

"IT COULD scarcely have been a worse prelude to a 150th birthday party. Over the past fortnight, the Melbourne Football Club has been relocated by Jeff Kennett, targeted and then threatened by Andrew Demetriou and pummelled by St Kilda in a jumper that can only have been created by an understaffed off-field team working under duress."

CALE MORTON IS ONE DEE THAT'S CUTTING IT

"Morton might have played only nine AFL games, but the lessons keep stacking up."

JAKE NIALL ON MELBOURNE

"Regardless of financial storm clouds, the Demons must implement a long-term football strategy. They should allow Dean Bailey time to demonstrate whether he is the club's future, and judge him less on the win-loss column than where he's taking them."

ROBERT WALLS ON MELBOURNE

"Bailey has to be positive, calm and measured and show which direction he is pointing this team. If the supporters and sponsors feel they are included and informed, they will back him."

JAMES FRAWLEY JOINS DEMONS INJURY LIST

"MELBOURNE'S season of woe continued last night when defender James Frawley received a knock to his shoulder at training."

Of course, life wouldn't be the same without the local rag -

SHOCK AS ZEBRAS SIGN WITH ST KILDA

"SANDRINGHAM’S successful VFL alignment with Melbourne is over."

And after tonight ... there's sure to be lot more.

great work...thanks for all of the aricles!

apologies to the HedgeHoppers

It's good news week,

Someone's dropped a mark somewhere,

Contributing to the laissez faire

And darkening the skies,

It's good news week,

Another’s found a way to whinge,

The bastards doubt our right to live,

Go off and let us try.

Have you heard the news?

What did it say?

Who's won that game?

What's the weather like today?

It's good news week,

Fans shout the need for playing bold,

By stimulating ball control,

We're wanting just another win.

It's good news week,

Trainers finding many ways,

Of wrapping breaks in clever ways,

To keep us from the truth.

It's good news week,

Someone's dropped a mark somewhere,

Contributing to the laissez faire

And darkening the skies,

It's good news week,

Another’s found a way to whinge,

The bastards doubt our right to live,

Go off and let us try.

It's good news week,

Have you heard the news?

What did it say?

Who's won that game?

What's the weather like today?

(what's the weather like today?)

It's good news week,

Fans are tired of dredging old,

Of overbearing Leagues cuckold,

We're wanting just a home.

It's good news week,

Fans arrive in Blue and Red,

From waking early from our beds,

We’ll march and cheer as one.

We’ll march and cheer as one