Dr John Dee

I won't mention suspect penalty decisions if the grape doesn't mention how crap Arsenal are at getting round the bus when the opposition parks it. Things might have tightened up at the top but like others here I still fancy Leicester's chances. They're playing with real desire and with real belief in each other (I'm not sure what 'playing above themselves' would entail but they're probably doing that as well). Those local rivalries oop north (Liverpool/Everton, Newcastle/Sunderland) are pretty fierce ... in fact, just about anywhere with a strong working class heritage. Newcastle on a Saturday night is a truly frightening place and it's even more frightening if there's a derby game on. But the cake would have to belong to Rangers and Celtic since they've also got the religious dimension to them (there are vestiges of that in Liverpool/Everton because of the Irish influence ... Arsenal were also the team of the London Irish once upon a time, but I'm not sure how significant that might be in the dispute over north London sovereignty).

Rest assured, Mr Old, the Tweed Valley banana farmers will quickly fill any gaps in the market ... at the usual inflated prices of course.

Are they Kevin Andrews' Sisters?

Wow, a month to come up with that incoherent gibberish.

I assume there'll be plenty of noisy celebrations on this thread later tonight at the ascension of Bananaby Joyce to the leadership of the Notional Party.

I suspect we do have a first-rate side, it's just that lots of them are in rehab and have never had the opportunity to play together. There are some Arsenal players who, when they fill in their travel cards, presumably just add 'injured' in the occupation section. City are much the same, of course. I was assuming they still had enough class to peg Leicester back over the next few weeks but last weekend probably took care of that. Good luck to the Foxes, at least it'll break the big money stranglehold on the title (I suppose I could say that about Spurs as well, but I'd only do so in parentheses).

They also showed some genuine class at times. Their defence can be a bit prone to panicking, but that's a reasonably common story in the EPL (the Arse are experts at it). As an Arsenal supporter I won't mind too much if Leicester end up winning the league but I won't be too happy if they win next week. It's one thing to have that pub team from Hackney in front of us on goal difference but if they go clear I suspect we'll be looking at something close to the end of the world in Islington.

I hope we can tie him down on a date for that, Moonie.

Interesting you should mention the Bastille, Moonie. The Marquis himself was housed there just before the revolution. History to repeat itself? And when can we expect the publication of the collected writings of BBO?

Well, that may be true in theory, Moonie, but when it comes to earning a quid there's only a certain number of instruments I can keep to hand.

I had a moral compass once but someone from Essendon stole the needle.

Don't worry, I've been busy but I'm back now. Who's first in line ... ?

You are referring, I assume, to the unfortunate experience with Mr Edward Kelly, the curmudgeon into whose hands I place both my trust and my wife. I prefer not to talk about it now; although she does, sighing and going on endlessly about what she calls his 'powers'. Perhaps you may be able to offer some assistance with a cure or, if not, at least a means of distraction given your recently advertised virtuosities in the workings of the marriage bed.

Seconded, Mr Old. Tout le monde should raise a banana smoothie to the happy couple today.

I do have some reputation for conjuring up spirits, I must admit, but this is the first time some damn'd ghost has tried to conjure me.

I can't recall writing that, Uncle Bitters. We charlatans and mountebanks lead busy lives and usually rely on remembering all the lies facts we disclose. I must be slipping. Does the intention to cancel your visit (I would have hoped merely for a postponement) mean that I should return the manacles and associated accoutrements to the local boutique de plaisir?

Can this thread please return to talking about Melksham rather than about each other? If not, dazzle's prediction will come to pass pretty soon.

Not wit, charm and intelligence, obviously. Must be looks.

A couple of cyborgs. It makes sense.

Still, there's a feedback loop going on here, 'tack, since one of the pressures on the hip pocket is produced by the amount of tinfoil those people also have to buy and that forces up aluminium production, which requires more energy, which requires more CO2, which leads to more predictions about climate change, which feeds more loonie paranoia about world governments and the need for more tinfoil hats to make it all go away ... So if people would just stop making predictions about the climate there wouldn't be a problem, although Alcoa might not be so happy.

Ian Dury and Mozart might be an even more interesting double act, pineapple. It could confuse a few of the punters though, especially those still stuck in the seventies.

Try the Barossa, Mr Leg.

Ah, bondage, one of those words with several possibilities to it that you can flavour as you wish. Serfs and villeins spent their whole lives in it, so my few humble years are no record I'm afraid. Speaking of records, you may remember this one: As for New Year, this is banana country, no straw men here and banana leaves are too moist to burn (as many a recipe book attests) so no point in shaping them into effigies or anything else. We follow a different tradition, what's known as the de-riding of the Queenslanders, gathering on our side of the border and mocking those on the other side for having fallen a year behind (metaphorically it's many more years than that, of course). Much fun while it lasts, which is only an hour, but then fireworks in your big cities don't go on all that long either ... I'll leave aside the other sorts of 'celebrations' you might choose to indulge in until dawn or thereabouts in Romsey Vale.

As a well-practised jesuitical fellow I'm inclined to take umbrellas at any implication you might be trying to get at in your question BBO. In truth though I did spend a couple of years in bondage to that most unchristian fraternity. Amongst the many barbarisms to which I was subjected (some of which, such as corporal punishment you would no doubt endorse) was being forced to play Rugby Union. I've never quite recovered from the experience but I'll have to leave it to others to judge whether that scarring has influenced any tendencies I might exhibit nowadays.

2 nil as it turns out, but that doesn't mean you're not 100% right.