Dr John Dee

Rest assured, Mr Old, the Tweed Valley banana farmers will quickly fill any gaps in the market ... at the usual inflated prices of course.

Are they Kevin Andrews' Sisters?

I assume there'll be plenty of noisy celebrations on this thread later tonight at the ascension of Bananaby Joyce to the leadership of the Notional Party.

I suspect we do have a first-rate side, it's just that lots of them are in rehab and have never had the opportunity to play together. There are some Arsenal players who, when they fill in their travel cards, presumably just add 'injured' in the occupation section. City are much the same, of course. I was assuming they still had enough class to peg Leicester back over the next few weeks but last weekend probably took care of that. Good luck to the Foxes, at least it'll break the big money stranglehold on the title (I suppose I could say that about Spurs as well, but I'd only do so in parentheses).

They also showed some genuine class at times. Their defence can be a bit prone to panicking, but that's a reasonably common story in the EPL (the Arse are experts at it). As an Arsenal supporter I won't mind too much if Leicester end up winning the league but I won't be too happy if they win next week. It's one thing to have that pub team from Hackney in front of us on goal difference but if they go clear I suspect we'll be looking at something close to the end of the world in Islington.

I hope we can tie him down on a date for that, Moonie.

Interesting you should mention the Bastille, Moonie. The Marquis himself was housed there just before the revolution. History to repeat itself? And when can we expect the publication of the collected writings of BBO?

Well, that may be true in theory, Moonie, but when it comes to earning a quid there's only a certain number of instruments I can keep to hand.

I had a moral compass once but someone from Essendon stole the needle.

Don't worry, I've been busy but I'm back now. Who's first in line ... ?

You are referring, I assume, to the unfortunate experience with Mr Edward Kelly, the curmudgeon into whose hands I place both my trust and my wife. I prefer not to talk about it now; although she does, sighing and going on endlessly about what she calls his 'powers'. Perhaps you may be able to offer some assistance with a cure or, if not, at least a means of distraction given your recently advertised virtuosities in the workings of the marriage bed.

Seconded, Mr Old. Tout le monde should raise a banana smoothie to the happy couple today.

I do have some reputation for conjuring up spirits, I must admit, but this is the first time some damn'd ghost has tried to conjure me.

I can't recall writing that, Uncle Bitters. We charlatans and mountebanks lead busy lives and usually rely on remembering all the lies facts we disclose. I must be slipping. Does the intention to cancel your visit (I would have hoped merely for a postponement) mean that I should return the manacles and associated accoutrements to the local boutique de plaisir?

Can this thread please return to talking about Melksham rather than about each other? If not, dazzle's prediction will come to pass pretty soon.

Not wit, charm and intelligence, obviously. Must be looks.

A couple of cyborgs. It makes sense.

Ian Dury and Mozart might be an even more interesting double act, pineapple. It could confuse a few of the punters though, especially those still stuck in the seventies.

Try the Barossa, Mr Leg.

Ah, bondage, one of those words with several possibilities to it that you can flavour as you wish. Serfs and villeins spent their whole lives in it, so my few humble years are no record I'm afraid. Speaking of records, you may remember this one: As for New Year, this is banana country, no straw men here and banana leaves are too moist to burn (as many a recipe book attests) so no point in shaping them into effigies or anything else. We follow a different tradition, what's known as the de-riding of the Queenslanders, gathering on our side of the border and mocking those on the other side for having fallen a year behind (metaphorically it's many more years than that, of course). Much fun while it lasts, which is only an hour, but then fireworks in your big cities don't go on all that long either ... I'll leave aside the other sorts of 'celebrations' you might choose to indulge in until dawn or thereabouts in Romsey Vale.

As a well-practised jesuitical fellow I'm inclined to take umbrellas at any implication you might be trying to get at in your question BBO. In truth though I did spend a couple of years in bondage to that most unchristian fraternity. Amongst the many barbarisms to which I was subjected (some of which, such as corporal punishment you would no doubt endorse) was being forced to play Rugby Union. I've never quite recovered from the experience but I'll have to leave it to others to judge whether that scarring has influenced any tendencies I might exhibit nowadays.

2 nil as it turns out, but that doesn't mean you're not 100% right.

And now Bournemouth have rolled United. WTF is going on? At this rate the Arse will end up accidental champions.

Sorry, Arsenal is already preparing to exercise its traditional option on fourth. Liverpool will just have to plan on third.

Around here I'm not sure whether only one body would be likely to turn up. We had a bloke wave us down a while ago, asking for a lift because there were two people chasing him trying 'to murder' him. Don't know whether it was an elaborate hitchhiking ruse but he did look genuinely spooked.