Alison Caldwell on the ABC on Mark Neeld this week:

Well, I've heard from a few of my contacts at the Melbourne Football Club that he has been sacked and that he'll be temporarily replaced by an acting coach whose name I can't remember.

The name Ms. Caldwell was probably struggling to find was Quincy Adams Wagstaff who, like Neeld, is an educator. Here's Wagstaff in action:

According to some, Melbourne needs a coach who is against everything; who will try nothing and do nothing in order to keep the level of the media's concentration on its current plight.

Wagstaff presents the ideal scenario for the Demons but what makes him so appealing is the fact that he has several brothers who can act as his able assistants including brother Pinky who would make an excellent spokesperson for the club because he never talks.

There's so much white noise reverberating around the club at this time that Pinky's role should be a welcome addition in place of the random meaningless talk that abounds around and about the club. We need more action and less talk.

Some of the talk in recent times has been particularly destructive but a some of it might have been helpful. However, while it might be well-intentioned (e.g. this), its all horse feathers - stuff of which weve already been made well aware and know and is therefore better left unsaid and dealt with in the manner in which Pinky deals with such things.

The only unfortunate aspect of Wagstaff's appointment as coach in the place of Mark Neeld (if indeed, he is the man who's name Ms. Caldwell can't remember) is that the new coach cannot bring to the club the action that's needed to win games.

Why?

Because he's against it!

THE GAME Melbourne v. Collingwood at the MCG Monday 10 June 2013 at 3.20pm

HEAD TO HEAD

Overall Melbourne 79 wins Collingwood 143 wins 5 draws

At the MCG Melbourne 59 wins Collingwood 76 wins 3 draws

Since 2000 Melbourne 5 wins Collingwood 10 wins 1 draw

The Coaches Neeld 0 wins Buckley 1 win

MEDIA

TV - Channel 7 & Fox Footy Channel live from 3.00pm.

RADIO - SEN ABC 3AW Triple M

THE BETTING Melbourne to win $ 17.00 Collingwood to win $1.01

LAST TIME THEY MET

Collingwood 19.15.129 defeated Melbourne 13.9.87 in Round 11, 2012 at the MCG.

Melbourne started poorly and conceded six goals to nil in the first quarter before regrouping and showing some of the spirit that had been missing for most of the season. With Jones and Grimes working hard in the midfield and Clark and Howe livening up the forward line, they threatened but unfortunately, some dreadful turnovers prevented them from getting close before the Pies reasserted their position.

THE TEAMS

MELBOURNE

Backs Lynden Dunn Cameron Pedersen Dean Terlich
Half backs Colin Garland Tom McDonald Sam Blease
Centreline Jack Trengove Colin Sylvia Michael Evans
Half forwards Jeremy Howe Jack Fitzpatrick Jack Watts
Forwards David Rodan Chris Dawes Aaron Davey
Followers Mark Jamar Matt Jones Nathan Jones
Interchange Dean Kent Jordie McKenzie Luke Tapscott Jimmy Toumpas
Emergencies Rohan Bail Max Gawn James Sellar

In Sam Blease Max Gawn Tom McDonald Colin Sylvia

Out Rohan Bail James Frawley (hamstring) Joel Macdonald (foot) James Strauss

COLLINGWOOD

Backs Nathan Brown Ben Reid Heritier O'Brien
Half backs Heath Shaw Nick Maxwell Marley Williams
Centreline Steele Sidebottom Brent Macaffer Luke Ball
Half forwards Jamie Elliott Quinten Lynch Dane Swan
Forwards Ben Kennedy Travis Cloke Alan Didak
Followers Darren Jolly Scott Pendlebury Jarryd Blair
Interchange Josh Thomas Ben Sinclair Kyle Martin Paul Seedsman
Emergencies Martin Clarke Jackson Paine Adam Oxley

In Travis Cloke Ben Sinclair

Out Martin Clarke Andrew Krakouer

DUCK SOUP

As if the unfortunate Ms. Caldwell's remarks weren't sufficient evidence of the media's descent into some sort of collective madness presaged recently by the incoherent rantings of the chief football writer for a former broadsheet now turned tabloid but unworthy of wrapping fish 'n chips, this takes the potato cake:-

That's right folks. Even the once mighty Kiss of Death has taken leave of his/her/its senses and predicts Collingwood will fall to Melbourne by a margin of 13 points. Appropriately, there's a Men's Grand Slam singles final on the night before the game which allows me to segue beautifully into one of the greatest quotes from the history of such tournaments:-

You can't be serious, man. You CANNOT BE SERIOUS!"

The whole world knows that Melbourne's average winning margin in matches this season is an AFL high of 41 points. With the eyes of the football world well and truly upon us, we are not going to lower our standards one iota on Queen's Birthday. We will win the game by 42 points. Yes - you heard it first right here.

[Editor's note: Just in case you're a sceptic, remember that last week's DEMONLAND reviewer George On The Outer predicted a 15 goal Hawthorn victory which, but for David Rodan's miss after the ¾ time buzzer, would have been spot on the mark.]

While my main motivation in tipping a Melbourne victory is that KOD went for Collingwood and he/she/it usually gets them wrong, there are other reasons.

Since the first two rounds of the season, the Magpies have struggled to put together wins on the trot and there are rumours of trouble in their camp. Buckley seems to be on the nose. Dane Swan is said to have even added a new tattoo of Bucks with a target imprinted on his forehead (we just don't know what part of Swan's anatomy houses this feature).

The Demons, on the other hand, have been a model of stability and consistency throughout the season. As they say in the classics, "what you see is what you get." Despite Ms. Caldwell's above gaffe, the Board has full confidence in its coach. The letter of dismissal was never sent - it was dealt with in the way that Rufus T Firefly (coach Quicy's alter ego) did it in Duck Soup:-

FIREFLY: To my dentist. Er .. 'Dear Dentist: Enclosed find cheque for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly.' Send that off immediately.

BOB:I'll ... er I'll have to enclose the cheque first.

FIREFLY: You do and I'll fire you.

And there you have it - nobody got fired at Melbourne (at least not this week).

In fact, a remarkable thing is happening at Demonland before our very eyes. Young people with a bit of talent are infiltrating their way into the team. This week Jimmy Toumpas quietly makes his way back into the side along with Sam Blease. Last week it was Jack Fitzpatrick and the week before, Dean Kent. Soon we'll see Jack Viney, Max Gawn and maybe even Rory Taggert in the 22. Together with some of the mature age players introduced this year as well as the return of our injured stars, the addition to the mix of Jeff Kennett, will really make this place rock.

OK, I'm not serious about Jeff but his style reminds me of the words of the slightly less than immortal Rufus T. Firefly:-

If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited! I'll put my foot down, so shall it be... this is the land of the free! The last man nearly ruined this place he didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now, just wait till I get through with it! The country's taxes must be fixed, and I know what to do with it. If you think you're paying too much now, just wait till I get through with it!

That's Melbourne these days but whilst I've proved the case for a Demon win by 42 points on Monday, please don't tell the Ox.

He's against it!

We'll see tomorrow, I suppose but the point about the youngsters creeping in at the expense of the old is solid. The team is becoming more and more Neeld's team than Bailey's and it will be interesting to see how it unfolds.