Fearless Predictions for 2010 ... and Beyond by The Oracle

[Demonland 73,140]

by The Oracle

The last time I attempted an exercise in predicting the future, the whole thing ended in complete and utter disaster. That was three years ago, back at the end of 2006 when I was prevailed upon to make a prediction as to the shape of the AFL ladder for the following season.

Three of my top four selections, Fremantle, Melbourne and West Coast immediately went into steep decline. The first two haven't looked like making the finals ever since. The Eagles limped into the 2007 finals, quickly limped out and then lost their best players and went through some horrific experiences in the interim. My other top four selection, Sydney, also fell of its perch. The Swans briefly saw finals action in 2007 and again in 2008 (before a miserable home crowd of less than 20,000). They headed further south in 2009 and could well be on their way down towards football's version of Antarctica in the coming years as they fight off the local challenge and the hype of a cashed up Kevin Sheedy led Greater West Sydney.

As always, there's an excuse for my incompetence. My trusty crystal ball Stella was on the blink at the time as a result of the drought that swept the nation at the time. First, the snows inside her slowly melted away only to leave a dense smog to cloud her insides and thereby limiting severely my abilities to predict events accurately. Things got even worse during those recent sandstorms that enveloped the east coast so I decided to take the necessary action to restore my competitive edge over such agencies as gypsy fortunetellers, tarot card readers and of corse the weather bureau.

After several expensive and largely unsuccessful visits to the crystal ball doctor, I decided to take matters into Using state of the art technology to cut the greenhouse gas emissions within Stella's glass environment I have managed to reverse the damaging effects of climate change inside the crystal sphere and voila! The snow is once again falling, Stella has been restored to full health and, for the first time in three years, the Oracle is able to predict the future.

I have therefore not only been able to respond to the request to come up with my fearless predictions for the 2010 AFL season but I've also managed to look beyond that and gone five years into the future to uncover these wonderful sights: -

Photos courtesy of MFCnow

What follows is my final eight at the end of the home and away season plus other predictions. Since the warranty on Stella is for only six months, I can't quite extend the scenario through to the end of the finals series.

1. St. Kilda - If you think Ross Lyon looks like he's suffering from a bad case of haemorrhoids whenever you see him walking, just wait till next year. Despite getting a big fat zero for Luke Ball, the Saints have recruited well. They've managed to get the best out of other clubs' cast offs and Lovett and Peake fulfil important needs in their midfield. The pain of a premiership thrown away in 2000 should prove ample incentive to maintain the fire and the rage necessary to endure successfully another long campaign.

2. Geelong - possibly because they come from a sleepy country town environment, the Cats have this burning desire to be known as the greatest team ever. They threw one away in 2008 and then lucked it in this year when the Saints' small men missed too many easy shots at goal when the game was there to be won or lost. The Cats still have enough talent and enough of their nine lives available to maintain the dream.

3. Adelaide - I rate Neil Craig highly as a coach. He has worked wonders developing young players on his list and has done the job without the benefit of early draft picks. He has proved on more than one occasion that he's adaptable and tactically strong as a coach but I also reckon he knows that he squandered a perfect opportunity in last year's semi final against Collingwood when he failed to react to Malthouse's response to his team's first quarter blitz. The Pies should never have been allowed back into that game. With Goodwin, McLeod, Edwards, Burton and Lleyton Hewitt all reaching retirement age, this could be his last shot at glory.

4. Hawthorn - the Hawks imploded after their 2008 heroics and, with the off field exploits of Kennett, Clarkson and co, the injuries and the huge drop off in form, one got the impression that the lunatics were losing their control over the asylum at Waverley Park. Kennett's had a haircut and the Hawks have taken him off to the Kokoda Track. In a variation of their usual trip the Hawks are making their players walk around Jeff's mouth thereby adding a few extra kilometres to the normal journey. Still, I can't believe that a team with the talents of Franklin, Hodge, Roughhead and Mitchell plus new recruit Shane Burgoyne can't finish top four. They might however, be in for a shock in round one.

5. Western Bulldogs - would've, could've, should've made last year's grand final and from that point would've, could've, should've given it a big shake in the grannie. They didn't and they won't improve their dysfunctional forward line with an aging pug like Barry Hall who joins Dad's Army in the Bulldog forward line.

6. West Coast - one of my big improvers for 2010. I was impressed with the way they lifted after being humiliated by Melbourne in Round 14 at the MCG. Woosha's Eagles are slowly recovering from the disasters of the post Judd era and proved that they're going to be very tough to beat at Subiaco. They should pick up enough wins elsewhere to lift themselves into top eight calculations.

7. Collingwood - I don't like the bastards. I don't like the way they handled their coaching situation and the crystal ball tells of future tension between Malthouse and Buckley. The former has gambled heavily recruiting for the here and now rather than the future. Jolly is a good ruckman but not getting any younger and will simply replace one or both of the other Magpie ruckmen. Ball remains Mr. 46%, slow and can't kick further than 40 metres. They haven't solved their forward problems and have been given a more difficult playing programme than what they usually get. If injury strikes, Collingwood's lack of depth might become a problem.

8. Melbourne - it may come as a surprise to many of you who probably want a more logical explanation for this placing than my standard one which is that it's there in Stella's snowflake formations that the Demons will be playing off in the 2010 finals series. Then again, if you've read this far and expect some logic and reasoning then you must be completely delusional.

As for the rest, I'm simply not impressed. Carlton without Fevola will slip but remain thereabouts thanks to their stellar midfield. However, they don't have a defence, forward line or ruck strength to go far in today's game. Brisbane with Fevola will also slip. I regard Michael Voss' recruiting as being nothing short of a diabolical attempt to move deckchairs around the Titanic and Stella tells me his abrasiveness might lose him some friends at the club during 2010. The same fate awaits Matty Knights who will rue the loss of experienced stalwarts in Lloyd and Lucas. Paul Roos will go out without a whimper and the remaining clubs, Port Adelaide, Fremantle, North Melbourne and Richmond are all facing a long, tough stretch. There will be no draft concessions on which to build a team as the free rides given to GC17 and GWS takes hold and the full ramifications of them are finally experienced in practice. It could be very, very ugly.

Brownlow Medal - Colin Sylvia is ready at last to break out and fulfil his true destiny.

Coleman Medal - Daniel Bradshaw. With plenty of games at the SCG and no other forwards in the team, Bradshaw could be a winner for the Swans.

Season Highlight - six consecutive weeks of young Demon players winning the NAB Rising Star Award.

Season Lowlight - a record number of sacked coaches.

A strange thing you might see in the future - Sam Newman proposing marriage to Caroline Wilson on the set of The Footy Show.

Good News Story of 2010 - Jimmy makes a complete recovery to full health.

Finally, I repeat my promise to return during the season, to bring more exciting AFL predictions and to uphold the centuries-old family tradition of fearlessness, accuracy and foresight.

See you in the future!

[GolfBoyPro 43]

To the Oracle!

While i like your prediction of Melbourne finishing 8th, i still think your one season to early on that. Mind you, i hope i'm wrong... We still have a lot of youngsters who need experience and then i think we will be a serious contender. I personally just want to see a bit more exciting footy, and i will love it if were a bit up and down, cause you never know what your gunna get from one week to the next.

[Sir Why You Little 37,125]

To the Oracle!

While i like your prediction of Melbourne finishing 8th, i still think your one season to early on that. Mind you, i hope i'm wrong... We still have a lot of youngsters who need experience and then i think we will be a serious contender. I personally just want to see a bit more exciting footy, and i will love it if were a bit up and down, cause you never know what your gunna get from one week to the next.

We spent 10 Years going up and down under Danniher. Personally i have had enough of that ride

Bad for the heart anyway!