THE CALL OF NATURE

by Whispering Jack

Please forgive me for resorting to this but it has been a big wee(k) in the world of toilet humour. First there was Fev's performance a few days before Carlton's opening game of the season, then there was Kane Johnson's big effort in relieving himself on the St Kilda Road Police Station at the weekend but that wasn't the end of it!

The legend goes that a particular junior football coach would select a different captain to lead his under 10 football team each week. The day he chose young Freddie, he told his players to get behind their skipper and follow him out onto the ground and they followed their instructions to the letter. The problem was that little Freddie received the call of nature as he ran out onto the park and headed straight back to the conveniences … followed by twenty nine and ten year olds who dutifully stayed there until their skipper had relieved himself. Meanwhile, parents and friends, umpires, the oppositon team and one red-faced coach waited …

I always suspected that this story was untrue - that it was one of the urban myths of junior sport. It couldn’t have possibly happened that way, surely? Now I'm not so sure because I would never have believed what Melbourne dished out to its supporters yesterday either.

The Demons' abysmal performance was so reminiscent of those under 10's as to be uncanny. The skipper led them out and took them (and several thousand supporters) with him to the toilet. From go to whoa it was a deeply embarrassing display characterised by a lack of leadership – not just from Neita but from the entire leadership group who should be hanging their collective heads in shame today because, like Freddie's under 10's before his big match, they certainly left their coach and their supporters totally red-faced.

Indeed, the day highlighted what has been so patently obvious for a long time. The club's aging players have lost the drive and the zest needed to lead the younger members of the team by example in the heat of battle. The decision to retain as captain a player who has seen one too many afternoons and evenings of football and the general "oldish" nature of the leadership appeared a risky strategy when it was announced. It came home to roost yesterday in practice as an abysmal failure.

If the leadership group wants to show some leadership they should gather themselves together and fine every player the amount of their earnings and give the money to the Royal Children's Hospital. Then at least something good will have come from the day.

And some of them should prepare to see out the remainder of the season at Sandringham while the club starts the process of rebuilding its list and finding 22 players who have some pride in their performances as professional footballers.

There is no quick fix solution at a club with a broken list, no apparent game plan or the skills and desire to execute it if it existed. Perhaps now, I think I can understand the cloak of secrecy over training and why there have been so many sessions closed to the public over the off season. Were they hiding the panic and fear of the football department at the lack of skills and ability of the playing list or their own inability to do something about it? What have they been doing while the world wasn't watching?

The greatest insult delivered by those who wore the jumper yesterday was the lack of team spirit. Of all of the rubbish I have seen dished out by our club in the past, this was the most disappointing and not just because it happens to be the freshest in my memory. Where was the talking when player after player was run down by an opponent? Where was the effort like the one I saw from a virtually unknown Hawk defender Tom Murphy who, despite the fact that his team was more than 100 points ahead and it was late in the game, chased and caught Russell Robertson when a certain Demon goal beckoned? Here was a young kid from the opposition demonstrating more of what the game is about than our leadership group with a thousand games under its belt. Shameful!

If there is one silver lining on the horizon it is the fact that there are half a dozen players on the comeback trail after spending most of the pre-season recuperating from injury and one who was out yesterday (rightfully) suspended for disciplinary reasons. They might be a little underdone and lacking in match practice but they could not have done any worse than the 100 point flogging Melbourne received from Hawthorn yesterday. We need the football department to do what it failed to do in the past couple of years – to bite the bullet and start handing out some pink retirement slips to those who are resting on the laurels of the past. We desperately need to find and develop players on the list who have the pride and the fight and yes, … ahem … the shit in them to match it out on the ground with the other fifteen teams in the competition.

Hawthorn 5.5.35 7.10.52 15.12.102 23.16.154

Melbourne 1.1.7 1.5.11 2.10.22 6.14.50

Goals

Hawthorn Franklin 6 Roughead 3 Osborne 3 Dew 2 Boyle 2 Stokes 2 Campbell 2 Taylor Young Rioli

Melbourne Robertson 3 Green 2 Newton

Best

Hawthorn Bateman Franklin Mitchell Gilham Osborne Ladson Dew Birchall

Melbourne Jones P Johnson Moloney Buckley McLean and the doorkeeper.

Injuries

Hawthorn Croad (wrist)

Melbourne How do you suffer injuries when you're always five metres behind your opponents?

Reports Nil

Umpires Farmer Kennedy Nicholls

Crowd 40,141 at the MCG