SOURCING OUR NEXT RECRUITING GURU

Over the summer months we're giving our readers the opportunity to put together their own stories for Demonland. Here's one from Deeman who admits that not all of his material is original ...

SOURCING OUR NEXT RECRUITING GURU by Deeman

With the departure of Craig Cameron after 11 years at the job, some Demon fans are despairing at the prospect of an MFC bereft of a true recruiting guru to head up one of the most important aspects of an AFL club's operations.

However, I have discovered that just as the MFC went through an exhaustive selection process earlier this year to replace Neale Daniher as the club's head coach, the wheels are in motion in a similar direction as we speak. The process is virtually identical to the one that unearthed Dean Bailey as Melbourne's coaching el supremo a few months ago. It includes simulated interviews between prospective candidates for the job and possible draftees which took place this weekend at the Australian Institute of Sport.

Here, exclusively for Demonland is a transcript of a simulated interview between a candidate for the position of head of club recruiting and list management and 17 year old key position sensation from Frankston, George Shmuck who will line up for the Dandenong Stingrays in 2008.

Candidate: Hi George, how are you going?

George Schmuck: Hey, rack off man. I don't get no regard or esteem here so I don't need to waste my time talking to bozos like you. Who are you anyway, my new parole officer?

Candidate: No George, I'm here to discuss your football future. We've watched you playing the game since you were 13 but I'd like you to tell me a little about yourself, your family life, your parents and childhood?

George Schmuck: My parents hated me. I could tell that from the start. My mother never breast-fed me; she told me she liked me as a friend. She always thought I was ugly so she fed me with a sling shot. My father wasn't any better. He carried around the picture of the kid that came when he stole obtained the wallet. Both of them hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Candidate: OK... how about you telling me something about the place where you grew up?

George Schmuck: When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. We always lived in downtrodden neighbourhoods. Our first house had to be renovated before it could be condemned. It was so bad they pulled it down to build a slum. Then another time we couldn't afford a Christmas tree – we lived in one. It was a really tough area. Once, I put my hand in some cement in the footpath and I felt another hand. I remember the time I was kidnapped they sent a piece of my finger to my father, he said he wanted more proof that it was me.

Candidate: That sounds very difficult...how about pets and life outside the home?

George Schmuck: I had a great dog. It was a bullpit terrier, his favourite bone was my arm. When I played in the sandpit, the cat kept covering me up. I had plenty of pimples as a kid, one day I fell asleep in a library and when I woke up a blind man was reading my face.

Candidate: Right, well let's move on. Should we draft you to Melbourne most of our young players cop a lot of criticism. Often it's just argumentative stuff and the ranting of tragic individuals. Have you heard of Demonland?

George Schmuck: Yeah. I've been there a few times. Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Candidate: So you do know it. There have been high profile scandals in football recently and we want to be sure you have no untoward drug or sexual history. You know, so that you're suitable for club promotions and the like.

George Schmuck: If you read my profile on the AFL site you would know that I've modelled every aspect of my football on Benny Cousins. What sort of drugs do you want me to...?

Candidate: Err, no just tell me about the other thing.

George Schmuck: Sex? I saved a girl from being attacked last night by controlling myself. But I’m not that big on sex. In fact, if it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. I got a job last year as a poster boy - for birth control.

Candidate: I think we’re finished.

George Schmuck: No problem. I've already spoken to the Eagles and they told me they're going to select me before your pick comes up anyway. Apparently, I fit their profile to a tee. Anyway, I hope you get run over by a f...ing car.