THE TRADING CHRONICLES: DAY THREE

[Demonland 70,328]

TEMPO TRADING by the Oracle

I don't know whether it's just me or not but I have this feeling that something strange is happening in football circles - something associated with this week's trading between the AFL clubs.

Much of the trade week discussion is centring on the fact that everything is moving in slow motion, but what if these past few days are following a predetermined pattern as if there was some purpose or design in what's been happening?

Something sinister and hidden deep beneath the surface like a conspiracy involving the men who run the various club football departments?

Believe me, I'm not paranoid (mind you, sometimes I think there are people out there who are out to get me) but please consider what's been happening since the exchange period opened on Monday.

There has been a lot of rumour and innuendo and many names have been named. Names like Jason Cloke, Peter Everitt, Ryan Ferguson, Aaron Fiora, Michael Gardner, Jason Johnson, Steve Johnson, Paul Medhurst, Stephen Milne, Graham Polak, Jordan Russell, Dean Solomon Chris Tarrant, Brett Thornton, Toby Thurstans, Shane Tuck and Paul Wheatley and others.

But despite all of the names and all of the rumours, precious little has really happened. The pace of development has been painfully slow for trade week aficionados like you and me and I think I have the answer as to why this is going on.

I believe that the club recruiting officers are involved in a conspiracy whereby they are deliberately slowing down the tempo of the trades. I've decided to call this phenomenon "tempo trading"; a situation that's come about because these blokes decided in advance that a week is too long a time to busy themselves with the argy bargy of trading and it would be better to take a few days off in the middle of trade week before that one morning involving a few hours of frenzied activity on Friday.

It all makes sense to me.

The club recruiting officers got together on the first day at Telstra Dome, exchanged the names of the players they were willing to trade and then took a few days off to sun themselves by their swimming pools and to sip on their pina coladas before briefly meeting again on Friday morning to finish their business.

Of course, they couldn't be seen to be doing nothing because that would almost certainly arouse the suspicion a few of the brighter members of the media (those who were also sunning themselves and sipping pina coladas by the pool) so one or two trades are announced and the odd interview is given for television or radio where the impression is given that trade activity is reaching fever pitch. A plethora of rumours are confirmed or denied usually by way of carefully dropped clichés like: -

"We have got a good young list and we don't want to risk building on that." That really means our list is crap and we’re doing everything we can to get player X but we don't want to give away our few remaining good players or any of our early draft picks to get him.

There are others like: -

"We met with his manager and Y Football Club representatives today concerning the player and two different options were discussed."

"We are not going to give up the world to get player Z."

"But no agreement has yet been reached between the two clubs."

"We're continuing our discussions."

All of them meaning that we're doing bugger all at the moment but we want the board members and, of course, the public to think that we're being run off our feet and that we'll eventually get somewhere by the end of the week. Now back to the swimming pool, the suntan lotion and the cocktails.

The result is that every morning from Tuesday right through to Friday, it's like Groundhog Day. The news is almost identical every day - no deal yet on Tarrant but we're inching closer, nobody wants to talk about Thornton, a new offer's coming in very soon for Spida, we need someone with the wisdom of Solomon to palm him off somewhere (please!) etc. The reality is that nothing's really being done at all except for a few selected and pre-prepared deals.

Consider the two deals that have been done to date.

On day one, the blokes from Brisbane and the Western Bulldogs got together in front of the cameras and announced that Jason Akermanis was going to be traded.

Just like that!

Three minutes into the trade week Aker's gone but was there any detail given about the trade?

No way!

We'll worry about the detail at some later time.

You would think that such a revelation might get all of the club recruiting managers thinking. Why not be smart about it all and announce a few more done deals to keep the week's momentum going?

No, nothing happens at all for two and a half days and suddenly, out of the blue comes another transaction. And what a ball tearer that happens to be!

Forgotten Bulldog Shane Birss is traded to St. Kilda for draft pick 59 in an announcement coming hot on the heels of the unveiling of Ross Lyon as Saints' coach.

Now, does anybody around here think that Birss, who played 51 games in five seasons but managed only three appearances for the Doggies in 2006, is going to be the icing on the cake on a big day for the fans down Moorabbin way?

Give me a break!

These so called "deals" are nothing more than a diversion - a cover up for a carefully planned and systematic attempt by the AFL recruiting officers to do nothing for a few days.

There's clear evidence of that - in fact, it's obvious to someone with a mind highly trained in detection skills like mine. The order of the trading gives it all away!

First cab off the rank was Jason Akermanis. Next went Shane Birss. Then Daniel Bradshaw conveniently decided to stay in Brisbane.

Don't you see what's happening?

That's it. They're all going in alphabetical order!

My bet is that the next name to be traded will be Collingwood's Jason Cloke. The announcement will probably be made first thing on Friday morning.

And based on the above revelation, my advice to all the trade week freaks is to take the day off today.

Nothing's going to happen. I'm certain of that!

[NOTE: Demonland disassociates itself with any inferences made that in this article that club recruiting officers are anything other than fine, hardworking citizens. The views expressed above are those of the author alone and any correspondence should be addressed to him care of the Sunny Days Health Farm, P.O. Box 791, Southbank.]