he just makes me laugh

A guide to stay out of trouble for professional athletes

Being a professional athlete is hard and it’s only getting harder in the days of social media and the 24-hour media cycle.

You can get crucified for even the most trivial transaction.

But how do you avoid making a mistake that could derail your career?

After all, many of things that trip up athletes in the public eye are so hard to identify in advance.

So here are some helpful generic tips to help avoid a troublesome episode.

Most of them seem relatively benign but weirdly, the public, legal profession and the media react poorly to them:

• Never run a dog fighting ring

• Don’t bet on a game you’re involved in and especially don’t get a mate to put the bet on for you. Don’t bet is a good idea actually

• Under no circumstances try to blame your flat mate when you’ve done something illegal

• Never supply cocaine or any other illicit drugs. Stick to licit drugs

• Don’t have sexual relations with teammate’s partners

• Never get in a car with a group of bikies who then fire shots out of the car as you speed across a bridge

• Violence against spouses or women in general is best avoided. Treating others with a high level of respect is a good rule of thumb

• If you’re implicated in an ASADA investigation, don’t challenge the investigation in the Federal Court and whatever you do, don’t appeal the decision

• Try not to get written off at your sport’s awards night and make a fool of yourself while it’s all being broadcast on national television

• Probably a good idea to not bite an opponent. Biting of their ear is a particularly bad look

• Be careful to not crash your car and have it reveal that you’ve been having affairs with dozens of women for a long time

• Never try to flee police when they pull you over by running, then swimming, then running some more

• Don’t shoot African elephants, or any elephants for that matter. Probably best to err on the side of caution and refrain from shooting anything

• If you’re running a long-term doping program, don’t attack those exposing you, ruining their lives or it will look bad when it all comes out

• Under no circumstances, start a music career

• Don’t urinate in your mouth while a mate takes a photo

• If you crash into another car, don’t have everyone lie to say you weren’t driving. Especially if it’s your teammates or girlfriend

• Avoid smuggling a loaded handgun into a nightclub and end up shooting yourself in the leg

• Remember to not post pictures of your nights out gambling and drinking while you’re about to be launched as the face of the sport

• Avoid urinating on a police car on your honeymoon

• While tempting, don’t blame your mum if you get caught using a banned substance

• Best not to assault a bartender in Ireland when they cut off service. In fact, don’t assault bartenders in any country. They are heroes who give us alcohol. In fact, don’t assault anyone

While not a comprehensive lists, these are some of the borderline things you can do that will get you in trouble.

Avoid these and you should be fine

Love him, and check his Twitter account every day without fail.

Some recent gems:

"The NRL has taken over the administration of the Titans from the cartel that is currently in control of it."

"The NRL is worried that this latest scandal will leave its reputation unchanged."

"The rules of the BBL state that the batting side can request the last 10 overs are played as a Fast4 tennis match."

"Many people forget that the Big Bash League started life as a complicated set of legal arrangements to avoid paying the mining tax."

"Match Fact: Don Bradman still holds the highest T20 score at Etihad Stadium while the roof is closed with 213 n.o"

He's the best, a Melbourne supporter too so I'm sure he lurks Demonland occasionally.

From Titus this week

"Hey Jimmy, you should change your name too. How about Ollie Wines?!"