International Incident Narrowly Averted over Connolly Comments

The Melbourne Football Club is at the centre of an international scandal after the Australian Ambassador to Ireland, Bruce Davis was summonsed to a late night meeting in Dublin yesterday with Enda Kenny, the country's Prime Minister. Davis was given a dressing down over comments allegedly made three years ago (or was it four?) by former football operations manager Chris Connolly.

It was alleged in a newspaper report published in the ailing Melbourne broadsheet, The Ace, that Connolly told an ashen faced CEO, Cameron Schwab, after the club's third win in 2009 that "Jimmy's just fallen out of his hospital bed.'' He was referring to club President Stynes who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

Kenny told Ambassador Davis that the comments constituted an insult to all Irishmen given Stynes' legendary status as a national hero. When Davis insisted that the comments were intended as a joke and had been completely misconstrued by a third rate hack journalist with a twisted agenda against Stynes' old club, PM Kenny flew into a rage and threatened to cut off diplomatic relations with Australia.

"I'm sick and tired of you Australians with your Irish jokes and you can stick that newspaper and its hack journos where the sun doesn't shine".

Davis responded that many Australians were doing exactly that these days.

Connolly was also under attack for allegedly telling a room full of MCG catering staff that their jobs were at stake if the club was to win more than four games in 2010 or perhaps that was 2012? He also threatened to take them to the vault at the Junction Oval where they could take their chances being urinatef on by the possums in the roof.

In late breaking news, according to sources who prefer to remain anonymous, AFL officials were last night questioning a member of Melbourne's half time Little League team of 2009. Henry Kishmentuchus, now aged 14, made the claim that the team coach told his players on several occasions during the season that the objective of the game was not to win but to "have fun".

This journalist does not accept the coach's comments. The young lad's evidence is clear proof of the culture of tanking that is so rampant within the Melbourne Football Club. It's time for McLardy, Schwab, Connolly, club captain Jordan Gysberts and the tea ladies to go, if not be indicted for treason for almost causing an international rift with a friendly nation. This matter will undoubtedly play itself out in the International Council for Human Rights.

GOLD