NIGHTMARE ON VULTURE STREET

Melbourne and Hawthorn were not the only teams in crisis last night. Demonland was also thrust into a desperate situation when our Queensland correspondent Bananabender was unable to make it due to the Gabba because of ... er ... transport difficulties when his trusty old ute followed Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett to the great junkyard in the sky. The Oracle was on standby ready to report on the game from his lounge room but, during the third quarter, he sufferede a nervous break down and attacked his television set sending it to the same resting place as Bananabender's vehicle and himself off to find a steadying drink. He has not been heard from since.

So an appeal was sent out to our readers and, with thanks to those who made a contribution, we bring you our match review ...

NIGHTMARE ON VULTURE STREET by Team Effort

Singer-songwriter Paul Simon who is currently visiting our shores once wrote that "these are the days of miracle and wonder" and the sentiment is so true today. It was a miracle that the late Michael Jackson survived past his 50th birthday in view of the lifestyle he led and, given what the Demons produced at the Gabba last night it was a miracle that Brisbane won by less than 10 goals. I suspect that this miracle was only possible because the Lions shut up shop early to prepare themselves for the rest of the season and their finals campaign which is now an inevitability.

As for Melbourne, the only inevitability is that they are destined to continue to break their supporters' hearts for a long, long time irrespective of whether the excuse this week was an outbreak of flu at the club. Unless they develop some semblance of a system to their game even the early draft picks on offer later this year will not help.

In the second and third quarters, Melbourne produced some of the worst football I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing from the oldest club in the history of the game. Ironically, there were simply not enough old heads in a football sense to guide the young, inexperienced players who battled it out with a slick, well coached outfit. The result was a nightmare for all at Demonland [Lucky Lucy].

I had high hopes of putting aside our disappointing efforts in the last couple of games and I was hoping for a better display. I sat down to watch the game on Foxtel with my two young boys and I could smell pretty early on that we would struggle [Dandeeman].

The scene was set early when an errant handball from James Frawley was intercepted by NAB Rising Star favourite Daniel Rich and the home side had the first goal on the board after 35 seconds. Not quite as fast as Gary Ablett's 9 second opening goal earlier in the season but still enough to cause concern in the camp. The Dees got on the map with a long goal from Cale Morton and a Russell Robertson mark and goal put them in front. It was reasonably deep into the first quarter that Melbourne led 2.0.12 to 1.2.8 and Bradshaw and Brown were being well held but late in the term the troubles began. The Brisbane Lions proceeded to amass 12 unanswered goals and by three-quarter time the margin was 74 points [Demon Head].

In the first quarter we got hands on the ball as much as our opponents and our effeiciency with the footy was unusually good. Black, Brown and Bradshaw had limited influence. I felt we in in an armwrestle with an opponent who had far greater strength and we were looking him in the eye waiting for him to put our hand through the table. And so partly because we expected and feared it, in the second quarter in happened[Dandeeman].

We were crap [Geddy Lee].

Clark dominated the ruck contests particularly in the centre, Brisbane were more organised, had greater intensity and controlled the footy barely giving the frightened demons a sniff [Dandeeman]. A great deal has been made of Essendon and the fact that the Bombers have one ruckman left standing after injuries to Hille, Laycock and Bellchambers (actually they also have a young untried rookie but he's nowhere near ready for AFL).

Well, we just happen to be in the same boat except our last ruckman standing isn't really a ruckman. Hence, Stefan Martin has been called in to fill the breach. He had to play the role he was given because there was no alternative. Clark killed it in the ruck and according to the statistics available to me he fixed up both Johnson (7 hit outs) and Martin (9 hit outs) and gave the superior Brisbane midfield a great armchair ride against Melbourne's one paced and tired looking midfield [Demon Head].

Black and Power were constantly belting the ball into our defensive line where to the advantage of Brown and Bradshaw. If they didn't mark the footy the ball was dropping to the advantage of thier small forwards. Our hapless backline could do little to stop the bleeding, though Frawley was doing some good things in his battle with Bradshaw and Jack Grimes looks a genuine future star. In contast out midfield looked slow, lost and always behind. Mclean had no impact, Moloney couldnt find the footy and various players such as Sylvia, Petterd and others were tried in the midfield we had no players able to create clearances or any flowing running footy [Dandeeman].

The Demons of 2009 are becoming known as final quarter specialists and goals from Cameron Bruce and Nathan Jones got the scoreboard ticking over at last before Brisbane's power forwards. Brown and Bradshaw booted their fifth and fourth goals respectively. Between them they had well and truly out goaled the entire Melbourne 22 and a final flurry of goals from Colin Sylvia, Liam Jurrah and Aaron Davey added a touch of respectability [Demon Head].

Davey was our best player but sadly rarely gets his hands on the footy in clearance situations. He is however an eceptional user of the ball and would be a genuine star in a better team. He usually has a hand in any scoring opportunity.

Grimes is already a very good player with exceptional, courage, skill and maturity. He has the knack of knowing when to attack the footy or defend. He has strong hands and is a nice user of the footy.

Frawley worked hard against Bradshaw and did some good work when given the opportunity to go the other way.

Sylvia again did some good things and got a couple of late goals and Stefan Martin took some good contested marks but his disposal is a concern.

Dean Bailey needs to go back to the drawing board and establish a plan to improve an uncompetitive and disorganised midfield. This is the clubs greatest on field challenge [ Dandeeman].

Michael Voss said at his press conference, "no disrespect to our opponents, but that was not one of best performances tonight" Seriously!

Anyone who follows Melbourne and can take any positives out of tonight are living cloud cuckoo land [iv'a worn smith].

Summing up - To quote David St. Hubbins from Spinal Tap, "I am sure I would feel much worse right now if I weren't under such heavy sedation" [Einstein]

Melbourne 2.0.12 2.2.14 2.5.17 8.8.56

Brisbane Lions 3.4.22 9.7.61 13.13.91 16.15.111

Goals

Melbourne Sylvia 2 Bruce Davey Jones Jurrah Morton Robertson

Brisbane Lions Brown 5 Bradshaw 4 Polkinghorne Rich 2 Roe Sherman Stiller

Best

Melbourne Davey Bruce Sylvia Grimes Frawley Martin

Brisbane Brennan Brown Rich Adcock Power Black

Injuries

Melbourne - nil.

Brisbane Lions nil.

Reports

Melbourne - nil.

Brisbane Lions nil.

Changes

Melbourne

M Bate (virus) replaced in selected side by N Jones.

Brisbane Lions nil.

Umpires Donlon Hay Jeffery

Crowd 23,750 at the Gabba