PARALLEL UNIVERSES

by Whispering Jack

The world's great thinkers have long speculated about the existence of universes that run parallel to ours and in which things occur somewhat differently to the accepted norms that apply in the one that mankind, as we know it, currently occupies.

This concept, which I've discussed previously, is most commonly covered in a form devised not by an eminent philosopher or great man or woman of science, but by one of the writers for DC comics in the USA and is known as the "Bizarro World" (often referred to as "htraE"). The original Bizarros were the opposites of Superman and Lois Lane but today we use the term Bizarro to describe anything that utilises twisted logic or that which is the opposite of something else.

And this is the only way I can reasonably come to terms with season that the Melbourne Football Club and its followers have experienced both on and off the field in 2008. The off field stuff has been well documented and, although it's important, I don't propose to concern myself with that here. It's on the field where my concerns presently lie. In that respect, the whole season has been a total "Bizarro" experience culminating in yesterday's excursion across the Bizarro border and into a state known in the universal parallel language as ailartsuA htuoS.

IMAA Stadium in the picturesque city of edialedA was the venue for the game. It's dimensions are 177 x 145 m, the playing area is 165 x 133 m and, for this game there were two sets of goals: the official set being the goals which the home side used and which run north to south and the unofficial goals that Melbourne utilised (or so it seemed) and which run east to west to cater for the Demons' style of play which places such great store on sideways movement. When one takes this all into account, the fact that the Demons managed seven goals for the day at the official ends of the ground was an extraordinary feat of human endeavour.

Let's face it. Melbourne was absolutely terrible against Port Adelaide and, in spite of the injuries, in spite of the inexperience, in spite of the hostile crowd and in spite of the fact that some veterans were being given farewell runs, the performance put on by the 22 players and their coaches was unacceptable. There are simply no excuses when you lose a game to the second worst performed team in the competition over the previous month by 78 points.

None of the things you would expect from a professional modern day team were apparent starting from the necessary work rate and encompassing everything our game entails – skill, strength, pace, the ability to read the play, keep to your feet in the contest, dispose of the football, make correct decisions, discipline and awareness of what to do when the opposition has the ball.

Tactics and strategies?

Out through the window and into another parallel universe.

At the end of the day, coach Dean Bailey was said to be gutted by his team's performance and well he should be because his long honeymoon as coach of an AFL side is fast coming to an end.

Soon, he will be armed with the paltry spoils of mediocre performance in our game – the high draft picks including the first selections in the national and pre season drafts. Together, he and his football department will need to make the right choices, jettison the players who are unable to perform at this level in the real world, recruit personnel who can actually play the game and just ... teach them.

They need to be more than just competitive (which they are not at present) but also to be successful and win games consistently and often because unless that happens and happens soon, the Melbourne Football Club will only be known in the parallel universes and not in the one in which we live.

Melbourne 1.0.6 2.4.16 4.8.32 7.9.51

Port Adelaide 6.6.42 9.10.64 10.17.77 18.21.129

Goals

Melbourne Miller 2 Bate Bruce Jamar Newton Wonaeamirri

Port Adelaide D Motlop 5 P Burgoyne Lade Pearce J Westhoff M Westhoff 2 Boak Cassisi Rodan

Best

Melbourne Sylvia Buckley Wheatley Green McDonald Morton

Port Adelaide P Burgoyne Cassisi D Motlop K Cornes Brogan Logan S Burgoyne Pearce

Injuries

Melbourne nil

Port Adelaide Daniel Motlop (dislocated finger)

Changes nil

Reports nil

Umpires Margetts Head Keating

Official Crowd 18,875 at AAMI Stadium