hardtack
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Posts posted by hardtack
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Ok then, possibly the only other joke I can remember…
Sir Henry Rawlinson is a wealthy businessman courtesy of an inheritance, who has several large operations that he very occasionally deigns to visit, but usually opting to work from the comfort of his sprawling mansion just outside Oxford.
(none of this has much to do with the joke, I’m just padding it out with useless information…and you ain’t seen nothing yet!).
Well, on this particular day Sir Henry decided to visit his sock emporium located on Castle Street in the city of Oxford. Now, when Sir Henry visits any of his business premises, he like to start the day with a bubble bath, meticulously prepared by his faithful old retainer, Waddle.
Sir Henry called out, his booming voice echoing down the corridors, loud enough to wake the ghosts of centuries past. “Waddle!!”, he cries, “Waddle, I’ll be visiting my sock emporium today, so could you please prepare my bath to the usual 74°F (we ARE in Britain, after all), and with a three and three quarter inch layer of jasmine scented foam on top.”.
As Sir Henry was finishing up his sentence, Waddle arrived, puffing from the effort (he’d been busy preparing Sir Henry’s breakfast at the other end of the mansion), and greeted Sir Henry with an enthusiastic, “Of course sir…as you wish sir!”.
Today was no ordinary day, as it was Waddle’s birthday; no one really seemed to know how old he was, Waddle himself had lost track…but that is of no consequence to this tale. Sir Henry held a fondness for Waddle, of the kind that a veteran of the Boer War might hold for his old hunting dog, that is on its last legs. “Happy birthday old chap!” he said, in as gentle a voice as he could muster, “After you have finished preparing my bath and breakfast, as a tribute to your passing years, I am awarding you the rest of the morning off!”.
And so Waddle ran the bath, diligently checking the temperature of the water to ensure that it didn’t exceed the stipulated 74°F, and using a squeegee, levelled the foam on top to the desired depth of three and three quarter inches. He then announced to Sir Henry, “You bath is ready sir, prepared precisely to your specifications, I shall now return to the kitchen and finish preparing your breakfast after which I shall take my leave.”
Sir Henry thanked Waddle and entered the vast bathroom, removing his scarlett red satin dressing gown and paisley patterned pyjamas (souvenirs from his days with the British Raj).
As he entered the bath and commenced lowering himself into the temperature perfect water, his corpulent buttocks parting the jasmine scented bubbles, Sir Henry had a sudden urge to pass a copious amount of wind, and as his buttocks came in contact with the water, he let fly with the most enormous fart, a fart that continued as he submerged its source to the point where it came in contact with the bottom of the bath.
Maybe half a minute had passed when all of a sudden, Waddle burst into the bathroom, a hot-water bottle clasped tightly in his hand, breathing heavily from the effort. Sir Henry, startled by this sudden, unexpected intrusion, blurted out, “Waddle! What in god’s name are you doing, bursting in here uninvited, with a hot-water bottle in your hand?? I thought I’d told you to take the rest of the morning off!”.
Waddle, looking somewhat bemused, rather sheepishly muttered, “But sir, I distinctly heard you call out, “What about a water bottle Waddle”, and so here I am.”
boom boom!
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15 hours ago, Little Goffy said: As a recovered public servant, I'm a big fan of jokes slipped under the wire so stuffy serious people don't notice it.
At the micro scale, a boss of mine in the public-facing private sector always included explicit stipulations about quality and quantity of muffins to be provided at all client-called progress meetings.
Slightly more forcefully, my dad infamously added the staff who had worked copious unpaid overtime to the 'sponsors' page for a certain peak body's annual report, right next to Linfox and Visy et al.
But if you ever want to witness an exercise in deadpan humour carried out in full, there is the 1999
Report to the Minister for Defence on the Collins Class Submarine and related matters
The utlimate shaggy dog story. Just from recall;
the propeller blades were misaligned causing cavitation which in turn caused the defects in the propeller manufacturing to be exposed as sudden potentially catastrophic cracking
the propeller shafts were not designed to match the size and RPM of the propellers, so wore out quickly and needed frequent in-port maintenance, dramatically limiting missions range and capabilities.
the periscopes were not hydrodynamic and would begin vibrating loudly and potentially breaking if the submarine moved too much while periscopes were in operation
the periscope mirrors weren't properly shielded, such that at certain times of day around dawn and dusk the periscope operator could suddenly be hit by a concentrated glare that would leave them blinded for minutes.
the hull shape wasn't correctly modelled and had to be modified after construction to prevent the submarine generating a bubble-wake
the hull paint/coating wasn't on spec for acoustic dampening
the engines were prone to collecting backwash water, radically reducing performance and causing constant loud banging, causing corrosion of parts, emitting fumes, and vibrations damaging parts such as gear trains and pistons.
the contracts defining who was responsible for what were hopelessly lacking in details, leading to months of lost time and legal wrangling over almost every issue which came up. Some contractors were released from their contractual quality standards because it was all too much trouble to administer
the various offices involved and the key people in the project (Navy/Defence Materiel-DSTO/Australian Submarine Corporation) all developed such an intense hatred and 'trench warfare' culture towards each other that they actively avoided calls and the meetings required to make progress
At no time was there enough crew to field any more than three of the six subs, and typically only two
but that wasn't particularly relevant because it was unusual for more than half the fleet to be available for service anyway, or even for sea trials in preparation for service, given the continuous maintenance burden
the performance limitations and genuine risks of operation at high loads meant that crew training and development was far below the rated expectations for service
the computer systems (both software, and, by the time the software was updated, the hardware) which were initially installed were out of date by the time they arrived. The networking was so unreliable that crew were writing down the details from the screen in front of them to pass to the person at the next screen - for example, target information from sonar was no longer accurate by the time the weapons officer's screen refreshed.
Now, I did say this was a shaggy dog story. So the final punchline is, of course, that after more than a decade of hilarious shemozzle...
(put on your best Norm MacDonald voice)
"The Collins class submarines are well designed for Australia's special requirements and have generally been soundly built."
But hey, at least we got to take delivery. Meanwhile, we outlay billions on subs we’ll probably only take delivery of after they are well and truly redundant, while Trump Class (an oxymoron if ever there was one) battleships are scouring the Gulf of (cough) America, in search of Venezuelans on belly boards after failing to find Greenland.
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Edited by hardtack
A joke that I’ve probably told on here before (I don’t have many), but what the hell, I’ll do it again, followed by a Christmas/Easter themed video..
First, the joke:
A chap is out walking his dog and is waiting for the traffic lights to change, so they can safely cross. There is another gentleman standing next to them, also waiting to cross, and he couldn’t help but notice the first chap’s dog was sitting there calmly and enthusiastically licking his nether regions.
To break the ice and to stave off boredom, the gentleman says to the chap with the dog, “Wouldn’t it be great to be able to do that!”, to which the chap with the dog replies, “Well, if you pat him first, he just might let you!”.
And now for the video:
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Edited by hardtack
I loved the guernsey they had made for the Shanghai clash against Brisbane. I managed to snag Matt Warnock’s #1 jumper (photos are from Google search) in a club auction. I also loved the green St Pats jumper for the Jim Stynes game… again I snagged one in a club auction, this time it was Liam Jurrah’s!
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10 minutes ago, 710 Ashbury St said: Congratulations! She’s beautiful. I hope someday I end up with some. My son and his partner are saying they don’t want any, and my daughter is only 18—so I’d prefer that not happen anytime soon 😂. I’d like to be a grandmother—not raise another one. Have a wonderful Christmas with them. This time of year is the only time I wish I was in America in winter. The holidays with my family. But, it’s all good. ❤️
And the good news for me is that only 1.5 more days until a long weekend. And when I go back to work Monday, lots of people are off so I can actually get work done instead of dealing with 100 questions and countless meetings. 🤦♀️
I was a late starter in the parenting stakes, and used to tell my sons that they were extra blessed, because they got a father AND a grandfather all rolled into one!
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40 minutes ago, Tarax Club said: ‘Ralf and Florian’ Kraftwerk added melodic sound after the earlier experimentalism. Ralf Hutter and Florian Schneider as a duet before the commercialism and haircuts kicked in. Believe it was never re-released on CD. Take it to heaven.
Neu! the eponymous debut album. Michael Rother and Klaus Dinger post an early Kraftwerk split. Still a great listen half a century after release. Quality earphones recommended or the inner sanctum of your listening room.
Finally ‘Faust so Far’ . When albums were more than just music. Each track has some accompanying individual artwork inside a black sleeve. I found it rather mysterious and it’s decidedly not for the mainstream listener.
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1 hour ago, Demonstone said: Also covered with distinction by the Beasts Of Bourbon in 1988. Tex looks the part!!
And covered by some band called Los Romeos Oxidados.
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1 hour ago, Demonstone said: Did they ever record together? I'm thinking something along the lines of 'Hot Rats In The Middle Of The Dead Skunk'.
Lumpy Gravy in the Middle of the Road.
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2 hours ago, demonzz said: That's fine by me, I listen to most types of music, anything from loudon Wainwright to Frank zappa.
I had a CD that I can no longer find, that was a sampler that included Elvis Costello’s cover of the old Leon Payne song, ‘Psycho’…but it also had a great Loudon Wainwright song called ‘Colors’, the subject matter of it being the different colours of the dogsh!t on the streets of his town.
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3 hours ago, Demonstone said: On a sort of related note but completely off topic, why aren't urinal cakes called 'piscuits'?
I’ve always called them ‘trough lollies’.
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15 minutes ago, Ghostwriter said: His manger just had people believe there was a possibility of him leaving.
So, rather appropriately for this time of the year, he had him away in a manger.
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After watching Bill Bailey’s Vietnam on SBS, I remembered that the BBL was back and so switched over just in time to catch the last 4 overs of the Renegades’ innings. I was surprised to see Afridi bowling for the Heat…well, perhaps ‘bowling’ is a poor word choice, as in his third over, he bowled three no balls (a total of 8 runs), was hit for a six and was eventually dragged by the umpire for bowling two balls above waist height in the one over, with his final figures being 0-43 off 2.4 overs.
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3 hours ago, DeeZone said: I think that Reg is Xavier Taylor our new boy hardtack.
Thanks Deezone, just another brain fart, of which I seem to be doing too often of late.
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49 minutes ago, Fritta and Turner said: And yes they do call XT Reg. (Only the third Xavier to play for the MFC).
Is it just me that finds it weird that a team of young guys would give Xavier that nickname? I am assuming it comes from the country singer ‘Reg Lindsay’, and I would have thought you’d need to be mine or @old dee ’s age to think that one up!
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Edited by hardtack
51 minutes ago, Demonland said: white
Heath Windsor Steele Chandler Rivers
Wings: Sharp
Wow! I know he’s got pace and stamina to burn, but Sharp is covering BOTH wings?
Edit: I post what I thought was a really clever/humerous post, then go back to continue reading, and guess what… @Lil_red_fire_engine goes all pre-crime on me 🤣
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Edited by hardtack
On 26/11/2025 at 21:50, Macca said: Also, 'Pluribus' is superb and well worth a look, especially so (or more so) if you like the genre (Dystopian Sci-fi, Dark Comedy, Psychological Drama)
I started watching Pluribus the other day and am loving it, so thanks for that recommendation Macca! I know it’s nothing like it, but it has a kind of Truman Story feel to it.
Another that I’m reminded of when watching Pluribus, is Fallout…and I’m so pleased to see that Season 2 drops on Apple TV this Friday… can’t wait!! It’s one of the most enjoyable sci-fi series I’ve seen for a while; right up there with The Last Of Us and Silo.
Entirely different to the aforementioned, but just as engaging, is an Irish series called Bodkin…it’s on Netflix. I won’t give anything away, just watch it.
Also on Netflix, and I may have mentioned this one before, but the Japanese series, Sanctuary, about a sumo wrestler who refuses to play by the rules and bow to tradition, is flat out brilliant. A MUST watch, in my opinion.
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Edited by hardtack
The Xmas Lane Party I mentioned a couple of posts back, happened last weekend and was a roaring success. Not a large number of people, but enough to make it work, so I’m really happy for my former neighbour (I relocated about 12 years back 🤣), who organised the whole shebang!
Most of the musicians that I invited to sit in with my band attended, and we had Richard Burgman (former Sunny Boy and Saint), Bob Spencer (former Angel and Skyhook), Terry Serio (former Elk, portrayer of JO’K in the TV mini series, and juvenile delinquent in the film, Running On Empty), and Peter Head (former keyboardist way way back with Headband and with Wendy Saddington among numerous others and now author of his own incredible memoir, Headonism).
You absolutely MUST look out for Peter’s book (it’s on Kindle as well as in bookshops)… it’s a fantastic well written read, and his musical life simply defies belief… partying with the Stones and writing songs with Bon Scott, being just a couple of his many exploits. He was still a whizz on the keyboard, and the old [censored]er is about to turn 80!! There’s just no stopping him. I only wished he’d brought his daughter Lo Carmen along to do some vocals with us…she’s brilliant!
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Edited by hardtack
I’m afraid I’m pretty much unable to contribute to this topic as the only gigs I’ve been to in the last year, have been my own band’s 🤣
And it’s been so long since I’ve been to any real gigs of note…
Ryuichi Sakamoto & Alva Noto at the Sydney Opera House 2018
Nick Lowe & the Straitjackets at the Enmore Theatre (Sydney) 2020
Jenny Don’t & the Spurs at the Duke Hotel in Enmore (Sydney) can’t recall year, but maybe 2023
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On 05/12/2025 at 11:53, Neil Crompton said: L, interesting thoughts. Yes Suno is my AI friend. For me it is just an interest - to finally be able to put some music to my lyrics. The bigger issues I hadn't even thought about to be honest, I'm just having some fun. But I'm sure it's a contentious issue with musicians.
Here are a couple more:
Nice… I’ve just installed the app and have tried a couple of things, the results of which are interesting (my lyrics tend not to follow simple rhyming patterns). I’d upload them here, but I think I’ve used up all of my space allowance in my cancer thread 🤣
Did you subscribe, and if so, to which plan (Pro or Premier)… if Premier, I’m wondering what the Suno Studio is like… looking at the comparison, it seems that it is only available to Premier and only on the web, not app.
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14 hours ago, pitmaster said: Hush your mouth. The second verse of GOF, which references the 1926 and 1939 premierships, was included in the first history of the MFC which was published in 1957, so even without consulting the book itself it is clear that the club theme song long pre-dates 1972. In fact I think the second verse was added before the end of WW2.
Collingwood's been banging on about a cakewalk for a similar period. Only Hawthorn, which adopted Yankee Doodle Dandy in the early 1960s even comes close to your claim.
How do you come up with this nonsense?
Ok, you got me there (and your guess is as good as mine), not being a club historian, I got myself mixed up by reading too much about the Fable Singers versions - the version that is played at our games. Of course I should have recalled the song from my childhood when we were winning grand finals, but for some reason, my brain disengaged itself from reality.
Apologies if my nonsense in any way negatively affected you 😉
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Favourite joke or video
in Melbourne Demons
There was something in the way he moved that carving knife.