Little Goffy

As a recovered public servant, I'm a big fan of jokes slipped under the wire so stuffy serious people don't notice it.

At the micro scale, a boss of mine in the public-facing private sector always included explicit stipulations about quality and quantity of muffins to be provided at all client-called progress meetings.

Slightly more forcefully, my dad infamously added the staff who had worked copious unpaid overtime to the 'sponsors' page for a certain peak body's annual report, right next to Linfox and Visy et al.

But if you ever want to witness an exercise in deadpan humour carried out in full, there is the 1999

Report to the Minister for Defence on the Collins Class Submarine and related matters

The utlimate shaggy dog story. Just from recall;

• the propeller blades were misaligned causing cavitation which in turn caused the defects in the propeller manufacturing to be exposed as sudden potentially catastrophic cracking

• the propeller shafts were not designed to match the size and RPM of the propellers, so wore out quickly and needed frequent in-port maintenance, dramatically limiting missions range and capabilities.

• the periscopes were not hydrodynamic and would begin vibrating loudly and potentially breaking if the submarine moved too much while periscopes were in operation

• the periscope mirrors weren't properly shielded, such that at certain times of day around dawn and dusk the periscope operator could suddenly be hit by a concentrated glare that would leave them blinded for minutes.

• the hull shape wasn't correctly modelled and had to be modified after construction to prevent the submarine generating a bubble-wake

• the hull paint/coating wasn't on spec for acoustic dampening

• the engines were prone to collecting backwash water, radically reducing performance and causing constant loud banging, causing corrosion of parts, emitting fumes, and vibrations damaging parts such as gear trains and pistons.

• the contracts defining who was responsible for what were hopelessly lacking in details, leading to months of lost time and legal wrangling over almost every issue which came up. Some contractors were released from their contractual quality standards because it was all too much trouble to administer

• the various offices involved and the key people in the project (Navy/Defence Materiel-DSTO/Australian Submarine Corporation) all developed such an intense hatred and 'trench warfare' culture towards each other that they actively avoided calls and the meetings required to make progress

• At no time was there enough crew to field any more than three of the six subs, and typically only two

• but that wasn't particularly relevant because it was unusual for more than half the fleet to be available for service anyway, or even for sea trials in preparation for service, given the continuous maintenance burden

• the performance limitations and genuine risks of operation at high loads meant that crew training and development was far below the rated expectations for service

• the computer systems (both software, and, by the time the software was updated, the hardware) which were initially installed were out of date by the time they arrived. The networking was so unreliable that crew were writing down the details from the screen in front of them to pass to the person at the next screen - for example, target information from sonar was no longer accurate by the time the weapons officer's screen refreshed.

Now, I did say this was a shaggy dog story. So the final punchline is, of course, that after more than a decade of hilarious shemozzle...

(put on your best Norm MacDonald voice)

"The Collins class submarines are well designed for Australia's special requirements and have generally been soundly built."

You said reply only in PMs, but didn't say the had to be Australian PMs. So here is my guess;

England has just dropped off the chase for Essendon's claim to worst failure streak in world sport.

This is good news because it makes Essendon look even sillier.

3 minutes ago, Ghostwriter said:

My little grandy found these pom-poms at mine and immediately fell in love with them, to the point where she refused to let go of them. She even napped while holding them. This started off as good news and it still is, to me. To her parents, not so much. 🤭

Until this moment I had no idea you could pluck stawberries out of the face of toddlers.

(I didn't sleep well, okay?)

2 hours ago, Ghostwriter said:

Supermarkets are the worst. It’s like folks are shopping to restock their underground bunkers for the apocalypse. One day without access to shops turns people into wild beasts.

Awful lot of bunkers out there heavily stocked with prawns. Not an ideal long-term companion to wait out the nuclear winter, I'd say.

As for the good news, since there's already been some toddler joy! My rapidly-less-tiny about-to-be-6-month-old is about to get back from visiting the in-laws overseas. He's been utterly loved by his little cousins and has survived the attacks of swarms of asian aunties.

Fun fact - all babies get nicknames in Vietnam, often well before birth, and they are often used in priority over actual names, especially among family. So when Sam is in a group with his little cousins, they are 'Pumpkin', 'Peppermint leaf', and 'Moon' - all one-syllable words in Vietnamese so it sounds cuter. I don't even know their formal names!

On 21/12/2025 at 17:56, Bring-Back-Powell said:

He was essentially the best player at the club in the last month of 2017 as we unsuccessfully tried to break our 10 year finals drought. Had a couple of 25 possession 2 goal Brownlow vote games during that span.

A well liked versatile Dee after a slow start with the club in 2013.

Stats from his consecutive Brownlow vote earning games late in 2017. He would have had the three votes in both games except two were deducted against Brisbane for taking running bounces while nominally being a tall forward / ruckman, which as we all know is against the law and spirit of football.

Melbourne defeats St Kilda Round 21

Melbourne defeats Brisbane Round 22

Played >90% game time while being backup ruck for Gawn who was on the field for ~85%.

Take notes, Max Heath, it can be done!

1 hour ago, John Demonic said:

I can see West Coast / North Melbourne becoming the next West Coast / North Melbourne for the next 5 years

At which point North starts looking more like the next Fitzroy. Wouldn't ever wish it on them, but there's a little hint of background anxiety about it.

They are currently on the worst 6-season form run of any club in the AFL era.

O'Sullivan their only rising star nomination in 25, and since/including 2020 there's been Wardlaw, McKercher, Archer, Ford (since delisted), Sheezel, Jason Horne-Francis (traded), and Curtis Taylor (delisted).

Just 4 rising star nominees on their list from the six years they have been on the bottom of the ladder.

A lot hangs on Wardlaw coming back and the midfield reaching critical mass. If it gets moving, that young midfield could be absolutely game-breaking.

But West Coast, honestly, they are welcome to sit right where they are. I don't get enough to look closer!

Ned Guy is being recruited as a big-picture level strategist, and has a track record of making tough decisions and being hated for it. Part of him must be thrilled that the Demon's have already made the toughest of tough decisions.

Early in his time as list manager he was under huge pressure to keep the list topped up by retaining and regaining 'beloved' Collingwood players, such as the ultimately disastrous trade for Beams (for pick 17 and the next year's 18) and the excessive long-term contract for Grundy - both of which we're resoundingly popular decisions made under board pressure at the time.

Later, he was deeply hated for making the salary-cap-management decisions to move on Treloar, Stephenson and Tom Phillips. I think hindsight favours him there.

From an article at the time of his departure from the Pies;

Highly regarded and well-liked internally, especially by those with an understanding of the dire mess Collingwood was in with its salary cap, externally Guy has worn blame for the ugly post season.

Quoting Graham Wright - "Recalibrating our player payments structure was a tough and necessary job. Our future payments profile is healthier in large part to him. In years to come his achievements will become clearer."

15 minutes ago, DubDee said:

I think it’s clear he will Synergise backwards overflow and integrate interfacing functions.

Or maybe take 2 years to write a mission statement

Sounds a lot like the tasks my baby Sam is working on.

The 'integrating interfacing functions' part is great fun, but I could do with a little less backwards overflow, synergised or not.

An AI hallucination of this appointment briefly appeared at the European Marine Energy Centre website.

Basically, AI assembled;

'Melbourne decision'

'Former boss'

'ending time at AFL HQ'

And concluded Melbourne was ending Ned Guy's time as the boss of AFL HQ.

It is hilarious in its way, but if there are any C-level executives on here, please remember to expunge AI from your organisation before it gets someone killed.

If you watched those highlights you might be tricked into thinking that all we had as a tall, strong marking and accurate set shot forward with the situational awareness to also create opportunities in general play and who can quickly and accurately snap goals from anywhere up to 55m out.

Which is selling him a bit short, really.

He's so smart in general play between the arcs - has potential for Brayshaw level game sense.

Probably his best single attribute is being able to reliably send a very long kick forward with purpose instead of just banging it mindlessly.

Just watched an ecological sciences video about a 'dead' forest which had been abandoned as a forestry zone but never actually given any work to restore a functioning ecosystem, so it was just a mass of the monoculture harvest trees left to go feral, blocking all light to the understory and stifling new growth. There was no birdlife, no small animals or even bugs, no mushrooms, and it was consuming groundwater to the extent of diminishing streams and agricultural water lower in the catchment.

A key part of the restoration strategy was to cut down some of the most established trees which were dominating the ecosystem without contributing to it, so that a more complex and resilient network could take hold.

The transformation happened surprisingly quickly. So, cheer up, Ox, our situation has solid metaphors.

I really like that Cameron Pedersen has earned such enduring respect. It is as if some instinct is telling us all that 'Everything this person has, he earned.' A feeling that he took nothing away from anyone else, either.

1 hour ago, Hellfire Dub said:

It might be the best and funniest Kris Kindle present I've ever received. My Hawks colleague trolled me with a 40cm bobble head of 2021 Norm Smith medalist Petracca #5.

It's still too soon.

Bastad colleague and Bastad traitor.

Apparently it was reduced from $100 to $10. At $15 dollars postage it cost more to ship than to purchase; plus a packet of crisps.

'Cost more in postage than the actual product', sounds more like the Oliver trade.

I've never heard his name before.

Quintessential COO on that count!

2 hours ago, Demonland said:

Last training session of the year. Farewell 2025. Bring on 2026.

Well golly gosh darn it. And also [censored] [censored] [censored].

I arrive in Melbourne Friday morning and was kind of hoping.

Are you sure they can't throw in an extra session for me?

Seems a good kid. We should try to get him.

Just like the gypsy woman said.

Good timing for Bowey at a personal level too - he'll want to renegotiate his next contract given that he'll be a reigning premiership vice-captain going into 2029.

18 minutes ago, Edward Langdon said:

We were never a chance to win the game after our slow start.

To think otherwise is Disneyland stuff.

Collingwood were far the better side that night aside from the last few minutes and richly and heartily deserved that win.

I guess we never had a chance against the might and poise of Mason Cox. Presumably that's why you started the thread about how we should get him?

On 29/09/2025 at 01:36, Norm Smith's Curse said:

In that case he might get along well with Judd McVee - who according to wikipedia - is a well known eft wing activist:

McVee was drafted by Melbourne with their first selection and eighteenth overall in the 2022 rookie draft.^[2] He made his debut in the fifty point win to Western Bulldogs at the Melbourne Cricket Ground in the opening round of the 2023 season.^[3] He wore number 41 in his first two seasons, until changing to 4 before season 2024.

He is a well known left-wing activist with ties to The Australian Greens, frequently campaigning for the minor party. ^[4]

In one of the more bizarre moments in my Demonland journey, I just noticed that the claim of McVee's political activism has a 'reference' which points back to Demonland's 'Welcome to Judd McVee' thread, which contains no such inferences.

Everyone go donate to wikipedia. Cleaning the cobwebs out takes time and we need to keep their staff in place or we'll end up with wikAIpedia and we're all stuffed then.

2 hours ago, Bring-Back-Powell said:

Collingwood were all over us even before Brayshaw got knocked out.

I absolutely do not subscribe to the common theory around here that we beat Collingwood had the incident not happened.

Collingwood were the better team on the night for three quarters, were mentally more switched on from the get go, took their opportunities as evidenced by only kicking 6 behinds for the game and deserved the win.

The semi final result V's Carlton was completely flushed down the toilet and a game the club really let itself and its supporters down.

Wut?

Here's the replay.

https://www.afl.com.au/video/1026065/match-replay-collingwood-v-melbourne?videoId=1026065&modal=true&type=video&publishFrom=1694131800001

The game starts at 0.00 time with Max Cox jumping early and driving his hip into Max Gawn's head.

Hill gets a quick pair of goals early, then thanks to Brayshaw's effort, Collingwood's lead is back to 1 goal after just 50 seconds after Hill's second.

After the incident -

12.08 on Brayshaw, "Such an important player for Melbourne, as well. His flexibility - he can go inside, he can play half back, half forward.."

Another commentator; "So with Brayshaw missing so little football, this team doesn't know much footy without him, so its going to be really interesting for Melbourne losing such an important player for their team."

Bailey Laurie is the sub trying to fill those shoes.

Melbourne gradually regain composure, in particular our midfield which clawed back from their worst quarter for the season in the first, to win the contested possession count by 24 after quarter time.

Collingwood do not kick a goal in the last 40 minutes.

The final margin is seven points.

Ten second in and the Jordyn Allen highlights reel has me satisfied. Running across the 50 and nailing a goal is premium gear in the women's game because the opportunities to try will be there for so long as there are the reduced numbers.

Looks like she has good awareness, can think fast and understands position in terms of momentum rather than just location.

afl.com.au/aflw

"I fractured it in four spots at the start of the third quarter, but Josie (Bamford), one of my good friends, I showed her. I was like 'I think I just broke my hand' and she looked at it just like 'Nah, I think you're fine'. So, I kept playing,"

I like her so much I'd be awkward around her at parties.

I'll take "Things GWS thinks they can laugh off" for $1000, thanks.

What is having nil community support.

And for the bonus round;

What is chronic failure in the face of every advantage.

1 hour ago, Demonstone said:

Given the horrific events at Bondi, I'm pulling the pin on this one early. It doesn't seem the appropriate time for fun and light-heartedness.

The players in my team were all taken immediately after MFC's first pick/s in their respective drafts.

They could have all played for Melbourne.

Oddly enough, you could still have included quite a few Demon players.

Latrelle Pickett, Bailey Laurie, Angus Brayshaw, Jack Trengove.

And, in a mind-bending way, Jordan Gysberts, who was taken one after Jake Melksham, and just to mirror that, Ed Langdon who was taken one after Oscar McDonald.

That horrifying moment when you look at one of these and think the answer has instantly clicked.

Either I'm brilliant or that wrong answer is going to stick with me and I won't be able to think of anything else.

Yeah, I've done some checking. Not even going to PM Demonstone with it. Not worth the inbox clutter.

Doooooomed.