KANGAROOS COP KEYSTONE

by Whispering Jack

The bloke who came to the game with me stood up suddenly and said,

"That's it. I've had enough. I'm out of here," and with that he was gone ...

This was an unusual event because, in all of the years that we've been going to the footy, he's usually stayed, even to the bitter end when we were getting a flogging in the wind and the rain at some of the old inhospitable suburban locations where they used to play the game at its highest level. More unusual was the fact that we were ten minutes away from half time. The score line that showed Melbourne trailing by 45 points (1.2.8 to 7.11.53) wasn't pretty but it was still only a little over an hour ago that he'd purchased an all day return ticket to Richmond Station when he could have bought the cheaper two hour version. Something had to be wrong.

I have to admit that it came as a relief later in the day on discovering that there were no reports on the 5 o'clock news bulletin of any water police dredging the Yarra for bodies under the Bolte Bridge.

And so it is that life goes on!

Life went on for the Melbourne Football Club yesterday, although, in truth, life was barely hanging on by the knuckles. For the first fifty or so minutes of the game it was extremely difficult to detect a pulse as the season from hell continued. And if there is little heartbeat or pulse in the grand old flag these days, there's also very little soul.

The first quarter resembled a badly scripted scene from an old Keystone Cops feature. I could never quite get my head around how it was possible for those cops to bungle everything they attempted so Mack Sennett's silent film comedies always lacked an air of credibility until I was a witness to yesterday's opening quarter. I should add that the bungling wasn't confined to the Demons and the Kangaroos contributed to the antics with some poor football of their own kicking 0.7 in the first 20 or so minutes. Most teams worth their salt would take advantage of such a poor early return but the Demons weren't up to it because they were busily going on their merry way making skill errors and decision errors of their own like handpassing direct to opponents or at the feet of teammates or kicking to one on none contests where the "one" was wearing blue and white.

The umpires were also equal to the task managing to destroy the game with a constant barrage of pathetic decision making that virtually started with the first bounce and later in the opening term handed North three of its first four goals on a platter. They didn't get better as the afternoon wore on either as they creatively invented new rules on the run that rewarded North Melbourne players for tripping over themselves and for taking dives and they were still bungling at the end of the game but I promised myself I wouldn't complain about the maggots this year, so I'll just shut up!

But the real villains of the piece were the blokes wearing red and blue and the ones directing the play in the coach's box. I understand fully that they are being taught a new style of game (paradoxically described as a "game plan") but its execution was truly miserable. The only thing missing was the silly vaudeville music in the background to accompany the mistakes and muck-ups that were coming with such regularity that fans were loathe to cup their heads in their hands in despair for fear of missing another clanger.

This more or less went on until I was left by myself late in the second quarter. During that time, there were a few triers who worked hard at limiting the mistakes. Brad Green was one of the few who showed some leadership which is another of those funny paradoxes since he's one of the few elders not in the leadership group. Aaron Davey, Paul Wheatley and Jeff White (the victim of an apparent new rule that penalises ruckmen holding the front position in ruck contests) tried and there was promise shown by Colin Sylvia, Lynden Dunn and the real "youngies" in Cale Morton and Austin Wonaeamirri. The latter two continue to improve and showed that the young are often better placed to learn new things. They represent where the club should be putting its faith for the rest of the year.

The Keystone Cops never left the stage entirely but there was a marked improvement as the game went on and particularly in the final term when Melbourne kicked six goals and won its first quarter for the season. I don't know whether the instructions changed at the final huddle but they lost some of their hesitation and actually started running through the lines. There was more movement further afield when our players had the ball in their hands. Suddenly, they actually found targets to direct their kicks at and – voila – the result was measured in terms of goals and not sheer and utter despair for the supporters. Unfortunately, this came much too late in the day and the Demons lacked the leadership necessary to enable the mounting of the sort of counter-offensive the Brisbane Lions were able to provide that evening against Port Adelaide.

I've been saying since before the season started that the club's leadership group is problematic. After witnessing yesterday's events, I have to add that it's much more than that – it's a debacle and some tough decisions will have to be made in this area in the near future. Those tough decisions will inevitably lead to more Melbourne-bashing in the media and in other quarters but all of the answers for the club now lie in it's youth which makes those decisions tougher but even more necessary.

North Melbourne 4.8.32 8.11.59 13.15.83 18.19.127

Melbourne 1.0.6 3.6.24 5.10.40 11.13.79

Goals

North Melbourne N Thompson 5 Edwards Thomas 3 Campbell Jones 2 Grant Harvey Je Smith

Melbourne Robertson 3 Wonaeamirri 2 Davey Dunn Jamar McLean Wheatley White

Best

North Melbourne Harvey Wells Rawlings N.Thompson Edwards Power Campbell Firrito

Melbourne Davey Green Wheatley Sylvia Morton Miller

Injuries

North Melbourne Gibson (knee)

Melbourne Nil

Changes

North Melbourne Nil

Melbourne Nil

Reports

North Melbourne Nil

Melbourne Miller (charging)

Umpires Farmer Armstrong McInerney

Crowd 23,427 at the MCG